Tried by Fire

I've written so much lately about letting the Lord use my mouth and have me to say the things that edify and not tear people down. Yesterday....yesterday was a test. Yesterday, someone was cold towards me for no apparent reason. Yesterday, someone who I've shown up for time and time again, forgoing sleep and pushing back my dissertation to be where ever they needed me to be, decided that that wasn't worth much. Yesterday, I almost ended a relationship I've been in for over a decade.

The thing I saw God do was three fold: 1. He didn't let me fool myself into giving this person a pass for their bad behavior. I almost gave them the benefit of the doubt that they actually were too busy to be a decent person BUT they accidentally sent me a text message meant for someone else which more than explicitly told me that wasn't the case. You're planning a party but you're telling me you have so many things need your full attention and thus you don't have any time for me in the previous message intended for me? Okay. Now because I didn't decide to pop off at the mouth I got to learn something. I asked if I had offended them and I brought up how long we'd been friends and they gave me this.

"No but you're overly pushy." I took that information directly to google and found out that pushy means unpleasantly assertive. This is where God did the second thing. What was it? Glad you asked. The 2nd thing was to show me that some people don't want the truth. I take very seriously all the relationships I'm in and if there's a problem, especially if there's a kid is involved, I'm going to say something. The last thing you want to do with a person like me, a person who has a very clear sense of what is right and what is wrong, is ask for my opinion. Don't ask me what I think if you don't want the truth. I don't give people the truth lightly but I do give it because I genuinely assume you want it. This is where the 3rd thing comes in. 3. I need to learn more about how to gauge what people are actually looking for when they ask me questions. I'm going to need a stronger spirit of discernment for this but I think it will start with simply asking "Do you actually want to know what I think?" and praying for that discernment ASAP.

So yea, I didn't end that relationship yesterday but that's because I let God move instead of moving ahead of Him. I gathered all the information at my disposal and realized that my over the top kindness wasn't the problem. They were.

Isaiah 52:6

Therefore My people shall know what My name is and what it means; therefore they shall know in that day that I am He who speaks; behold, I Am!

The name Jesus is a prayer all by itself. I've been praying it very regularly since I became a scientist. I say it every time my data isn't looking like its going to be legit. What I love about saying just Jesus in the lab is that now my lab members say it too. They don't know they're praying but they are. :-)
In my life I've learned a lot about what Jesus means. He has meant so many different things over the years but right now He means peace. I know that when you belong to Him, its not going to be easy but its going to be possible. The possible gives me an inner tranquility unmatched. When you've been without peace, peace can blow your mind.
He also means love. Love that's unconditional and without boundaries. When I think about the fact that we're commemorating His ultimate sacrifice for us this weekend, I'm reminded of what it means to actually love. It doesn't always mean words, it often requires action. Jesus made His love an action. I strive to be that way in my relationships. I want to be the kind of person that demonstrates love. When I was praying last night I thought about the definition of Love in the Bible and realized that God had simply described Himself. That definition -patient, kind, keeps no record of wrongs, isn't easily angered, protects, hopes, trusts, preserves- that's God. The more I strive to be like that, the closer I am to Him. The more He grows that in me, the less I see of my own human nonsense.

Isaiah 52:7

How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good tidings, who publishes peace, who brings good tidings of good, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, Your God reigns!

Let's get one thing straight. I love my feet. I really really do. I spend a lot of time doing them. I've bought my fair share of high priced bottles of toenail polish and I make it happen almost year round. I also have really pretty feet. To this day I refuse to wear certain types of shoes because I don't have any blemishes on my feet and I want to keep it that way! Right now I'm wearing a beautiful shade of orange red. Now, I clearly don't think my feet are beautiful because I'm always bringing good tidings but Lord knows I'm trying to be. I try to be a person who does this but can I offer that there's a necessary anchoring of the spirit that allows for this type of disposition? I know I need it. I know that yesterday, without the Word and without this devotional, I wouldn't have behaved like the kind of person who only brings good tidings. Why? Because I wouldn't be compassionate enough to see anything from any other side and I wouldn't be patient enough to wait to see what's actually happening. When I think about the peace that God gives, I know that that's what other people need extended to them. I'll bless you in your reality and let you do that thing. Fact is, God's got it. He's got you and me.

Isaiah 53:3

He was despised and rejected and forsaken by men, a Man of sorrows and pains, and acquainted with grief and sickness; and like One from Whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we did not appreciate His worth or have any esteem for Him.

The He was Jesus. The Savior was not popular at all. Though He sinned not and have a flawless relationship with the Father, He didn't always have a positive relationship with other humans. He had issues with the religious leaders of the day and He often ate and spent time with those the general public didn't regard as worthy. The thing about Jesus was that He knew He needed to be with those who were informed and living in sin because He was the sacrifice for their right standing with God. Sick people go to the hospital. Sin sick people go to Jesus.
I've found in my life that when you do try and be what people actually need, they often don't respond in kind. I think that's something like the way people reject the love of Jesus. Its like no one expects you to care deeply about them. People can't believe the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross and thus they don't accept it. Can I offer that Jesus not only knew He was the sacrifice but His obedience to God in going to the cross demonstrates that just because something doesn't seem reasonable doesn't mean it actually isn't reasonable? Jesus was the full, perfect, and sufficient sacrifice. God loving you to this degree, to willingly sacrifice His Son, isn't reasonable to us but it happened. The cross is real. His love is real.

Isaiah 53:5

 But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our guilt and iniquities; the chastisement [needful to obtain] peace and well-being for us was upon Him, and with the stripes [that wounded] Him we are healed and made whole.

The work of the cross is finished. Its done. I think there's a misunderstanding among people about what finished means. Its complete. There's no more that is required. You can't be good enough, do enough or go to church enough to be holy. You've already sinned too much and fallen so far short of the glory and so have I. But what I know is that Jesus's body was crushed for us. He was hung high and stretched wide that we might not know the death due to use as a result of our sin. The price for this relationship I have with God was Jesus. The veil was torn so that I could boldly and without reservation go to the Father. Jesus had to be broken for me. And He was willing?!?!? Did y'all get that? Jesus was willing to go the the cross that I might have grace. He was willing to go to the cross so that His blood would speak on my behalf. He justified me and His blood speaks through all of eternity for me. I cost God His only Son and He was still willing. He didn't take the cup from Jesus. Jesus went to the cross and died there that God and I would have the opportunity to walk out my life together. Love? That right there, what Jesus did...laying down is life not for His own sake but for mine, that's love. He was obedient even unto to death. His death gave me life.

Isaiah 53:7

He was oppressed, [yet when] He was afflicted, He was submissive and opened not His mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so He opened not His mouth.

I find it so humbling that God stayed in the cross. Jesus was both fully man and fully God. He could have called down an army of angels and slayed the crowd. He could have in all His infinite power got off the cross. Do you understand what that means? That means He could have decided not to give us salvation. We could have been without salvation. We could have no relationship with God the Father. There could be no blood to make us white as snow. Jesus had that kind of power on the cross. He wasn't beyond being able to get off the cross but He chose not to get off the cross. He chose to give salvation by remaining on the cross and giving His life instead. Salvation is a gift. He could have kept it but instead He gave it freely. Roll that around in your head for a moment. Yea....that's love.

Isaiah 53:11

He shall see [the fruit] of the travail of His soul and be satisfied; by His knowledge of Himself [which He possesses and imparts to others] shall My [uncompromisingly] righteous One, My Servant, justify many and make many righteous (upright and in right standing with God), for He shall bear their iniquities and their guilt [with the consequences, says the Lord].

 When I think about who I was and who I am now, I know it was nothing but God. Let me tell you. Ain't no way. Ain't no way I'm the way I am because of me. Ain't. No. Way.
NONE!
Phil just isn't that awesome. She's not. She may appear to be but let me tell you that's Jesus. Here the Word says very clearly that Jesus justifies many and makes them righteous. Any good thing you've seen is simply evidence that He lives on the inside of me. I wish I could keep up the things He enables me to do but honestly, I just keep up this practice of seeking Him and He does the rest.

The Heart Speaks

I finished the revisions I was asked to do last night. Today I'm going to pick up the final revision of my dissertation from the print shop for my boss to read. He wants a week. Soon and very soon I'll be sending my actual dissertation back to my committee and a group on men will sign a piece of paper it took me 6 years to earn. I'm reminded of the story in the Bible where Jacob had to work for 7 years to earn his bride. Trickery aside, I feel that way about my PhD. It took me all these years to learn so much.

I feel like my PhD is actually a certificate of growth as opposed to a terminal degree. There's so much I've learned about who I am, what I believe, what I'm called to, and purpose in the last 6 years that have nothing to do with pharmaceutical science. I'm a better person for having earned a Phd. I'm more diligent, I'm kinder, I'm more compassionate, more loving. None of these things can be attributed to the work but they can be attributed to watching the collective struggle of my fellow classmates as well as freedom. The freedom to show up for so many people, family and friends, throughout my graduate school career has been amazing. I've watch LP turn into a toddler, kept a baby for two months, learned to cake decorate, talked a friend through her divorce, taken in a domestic violence victim, seen ML graduate from med school....so much has happened and I've been able to be there for so much of it. I love that.

I love what my PhD has done for me. Its forced me to press towards the mark of the high calling not because I was called necessarily in the PhD but in life.

Isaiah 50:4-5

[The Servant of God says] The Lord God has given Me the tongue of a disciple and of one who is taught, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him who is weary. He wakens Me morning by morning, He wakens My ear to hear as a disciple [as one who is taught].
The Lord God has opened My ear, and I have not been rebellious or turned backward.

The words outlined here are new prayers. I haven't often prayed that God use my mouth and have me say what He would have me to say. The thing about that is that often that causes me to not say things I want to say and say things that I'd never think of. Its been my recent prayer because what do you say in certain situations? What can you actually offer? Not a whole lot. Can I offer that when I have nothing to say, prayer is always appropriate? It is....and it always brings me peace. All I can do is be present for her. I can't imagine a season like this and I can only imagine how weary she is but Lord, have me to say what you would have me to say and do what you would have me to do to be there for my beloved.

When I think back on the times I didn't want to be obedient and I was, I find that God is always faithful. I know the assignments God has put on my heart and I have no idea where she'd be if I hadn't spent the last 2 months praying for her. Its not my prayers per say that are so powerful but prayer in general. Prayer is the most powerful tool I have and its the most important thing I'll ever do for anyone and especially one so dear to me. Prayer takes investment. Its a different thing to believe God for someone else....to actually spend the time you have with God on someone else's situation? Its another level of faith. Can I offer that things would be different if I hadn't been obedient? I know so. And I'm so humbled to have been called at all....

 I give myself away, so You can use me. Withholding nothing.

Isaiah 50:7

For the Lord God helps Me; therefore have I not been ashamed or confounded. Therefore have I set My face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame.

God's faithfulness is unmatched. When I've faltered and failed in every single relationship I've ever been in, He hasn't. He's been my very present help at all times. Even when I didn't seek Him, I belonged to Him, so He chased after my heart. He kept me when I wasn't making any attempts to keep myself. He is. He just is. I know that when I stand on the Word of God, nothing can shake me. Opinions, disappointments, accusations, none of those matter when I know I'm in the center of His will for me. I also love that every single time He's spoken to me, its come to pass. It wasn't easy in the waiting but He always made a way and its grown my faith exponentially. Can I offer that waiting on God is a powerful life altering experience? It is.

Isaiah 51:1

Hearken to Me, you who follow after rightness and justice, you who seek and inquire of [and require] the Lord [claiming Him by necessity and by right]: look to the rock from which you were hewn and to the hole in the quarry from which you were dug;

 In His image were we created. God's the blueprint from which humanity was designed. He is the rock from which I was made. And when I think about how much more like Him I became by accepting His Son's sacrifice for me, I realize that for me God is inescapable. His truth endures. His Word is everlasting. His grace is sufficient for me. He's enough. I also realize that He made me for relationship so despite Him being enough, He knows I want people. I need people. I love my people too. My posse is bad y'all. Bad.

But the thing I love is that the Lord is saying "listen." Now...if you've been in a conversation with me that was at all funny, I've said listen to you. Its my thing. But God is saying Listen! If you seek Me and you seek after Me, these are the things that your life will be seeking. What I've found is that when you're moving towards God, there's always a sense of uprightness. I honestly feel more moral and ethical when I'm in His will. His perfect will is never lacking in justice. I'm not slighting people or doing anything that isn't a "this can stand the light of day" activity. What I will say though is that that isn't trivial. There have been times when no one would find out but this practice right here, the word that He's stored up in my heart wouldn't let me fool myself into thinking I could do certain things. I've found a level of delicacy with which I treat others when I'm seeking Him. There's an extra thought there, extra consideration. That's God. Its not me. I'm brash and a little harsh sometimes. God is never that way. Seeing evidence of Him in my life delights me.

Isaiah 51:7

Listen to Me, you who know rightness and justice and right standing with God, the people in whose heart is My law and My instruction: fear not the reproach of men, neither be afraid nor dismayed at their revilings.

Oh so now I know rightness because my His instruction and His law are in my heart? Ok then. I didn't know that was next y'all. I promise I didn't say I love seeing Him in my life knowing He was going to say "yup, I'm on your heart and thus you're in right standing with me." He be knowing y'all. Knowing!  So listen, I think this verse is so important.

Firstly, knowing His law and His instruction are critical. Love. Its that simple. God's law is love and His demonstration of that is about to be commemorated on Friday. God sent His son to the cross because of love. He tore the veil because He loved us and wanted us. The instruction piece is real. God never leaves us without instruction. Sometimes its just wake up, bible study, go to work, hit the gym, talk on the phone, and pray but those are still instructions. Every day isn't a day of great purpose from your own perspective but they're all important and He's always there. The other thing about instruction is that when He wants you to do something new, He'll tell you. Silence doesn't mean He isn't speaking. It means go back to the last thing He said to you or put on your heart and do that. I've often gotten caught up in wanting new instructions and God already been clear. His lack of new instruction is because I haven't actually done all that He's asked.

Next, its essential to know you belong to Him. I am acute aware of the fact that all the good and pleasing things I do are Him working through me. Phil is selfish. She wants to watch Netflix. She wants to nap and go shopping. She wants to eat everything. EVERY. THING. Phil isn't that awesome but the God in me is. God makes me the person y'all like. God makes me crave this time with Him.
I am His beloved. Holding onto that reality isn't no small deal. Its everything.

I say that because of the last piece of this verse. Fear not the reproach of men. <----But people is who I live around and with....how can I avoid fearing this? With effort that's how.  Having your people not be your side is NOT trivial. I've had to seek out my own people for the better part of my life. From Shannon's parents coming to my symphony concerts to Sarah being unable to drive and thus available all the time. My past loves were also my people. The reproach of those you assume will love you unconditionally is terrifying. Its also a reality. Its also why I've sought people who I can show up with completely. When the God in you agrees with the God in someone else, that's a person He's brought you. Hold onto that. You will probably need them. Lord knows I have.

Isaiah 51:16a

And I have put My words in your mouth and have covered you with the shadow of My hand, 

The shadow of His hand? Remember that part about imprinting yesterday? No? Go back and get that in your life then come back to this. There's such importance in being in His hand. I think being in His hand is peaceful but there are definite boundaries. There's only so much you can do...there's only so far you can go. There are limitations. I find them popping up in my life all the time. God is only going to let me go so far and do so much that isn't what He has for me. When I think about the fact that I got into one med school and it was the one He clearly told me was His will I know that was a boundary. Why? Because He knew I was weak. I still am in so many ways. He knows me. He knows given other opportunities I might not have chosen His perfect will but rather His permissive. I want to want His will sometimes but I don't actually want it. Getting to the place where you only want His will is an uphill climb. He's been so faithful all my life but I still have me to contend with and me doesn't always want to wait for promises...I want them now. But on good days, His patience in me abounds.

The imagery of holding hands comes to mind. There's a required closeness to do so. You can't be that far away and hold anyone's hand. Eventually your connection won't be feasible. He's holding me. He's holding you. He's got this. Whatever you're bringing Him, He's got it.
Oh and the words He puts in my mouth? Mind blowing and so true and timely. I'm often shocked by what I appear to be saying but I know its Him. I know that when people come to me sideways about being a lesbian or being Black and I don't snap....that's God. The teaching moments I take with people in those situations, that's a personality trait He put in me. He's grace and He allows me to extend it too.

Isaiah 51:22

Thus says your Lord, the Lord, and your God, Who pleads the cause of His people: Behold, I have taken from your hand the cup of staggering and intoxication; the cup of My wrath you shall drink no more.

Listen, I wouldn't be able. I'd be so unable under the wrath of God. I need His love, His kindness, His tender mercies, His grace, His devotion, His care, His strength, His protection of my heart. I need Him in so many ways that I know I couldn't live outside of the thorough and sufficient drenching of my soul in the blood of the Lamb. I need Easter. I need the cross. I needed the work of the cross to be finished. And it is. It is finished. Welcome to love.

Deliberate and with Great Care

Last night was the first night I slept without my commitments since my love's heart broke. It wasn't intentional...in fact I've been the exact opposite of that throughout all of this. I've been so intentional. I wear it all the time. The only time I've not had it on my person was basically to put on lotion. Its amazing how a practice like that can change you. I'm talking about being intentional. And as soon as I woke up this morning and I clasped my hands before placing them on home row at this computer I became acutely aware. I think that the thing about intentionality. You start doing something and then not doing it becomes nearly ridiculous to you. I think about getting in bed without reading the Word and that seems like such randomness. There is such order to my life because I read the Bible at night and pray and in the morning I write this devotional in the morning. Now, I haven't always done this work on my relationship with God but I have been doing it for the better part of  2 months so its a part of me. I still woke up and prayed for my love but my hand....it didn't feel funny but it just didn't look or feel like it was supposed to. I think being intentional about your faith walk, about your time with Jesus matters. I know it makes me better. I also know that though I'd never forget my love, I also like the reminder. We've been doing this thing 10 years...10 precious, hard, loving years. I don't need to wear my commitment to her, but I want to.

Happy Palm Sunday!

Isaiah 48:6

You have heard [these things foretold], now you see this fulfillment. And will you not bear witness to it? I show you specified new things from this time forth, even hidden things [kept in reserve] which you have not known.

I ran from med school. Twice. I ran from it senior year of college. I wasn't scared of med school but I felt like I could have more impact on people in grad school. Ironically enough, that's been true. Grad school has given me the freedom to actually be with people. I can show up for people in ways no medical school or resident ever could. My life is incredibly flexible. I think that was a God given intersection. My grad school experience was definitely where God wanted me for a season and I'm so grateful for it. I learned so much and I think it actually made me an independent Christian, a person that has their own relationship with God. The 2nd time I ran was when I knew the Lord was pushing me back to medicine. I started openly considering midwifery school because the 8 years of med school and residency sounded crazy to me. I didn't want to do anything that long but I knew. I knew the whole time that it was medical school. One of the greatest tools of redirection was the number of pre-reqs I didn't have that I'd need for midwifery....ummm no. But still, God had foretold so long ago, in 2nd grade that I'd be an OB. I just had to get back there. And now that's happening. Its real.

The second part of this verse speaks to everyone about the promises of God. There are new things, things I didn't even know that the Lord has revealed. When I think about coming to know who I am for myself, its all God. I spent so much time seeking and asking about this thing that I hadn't felt but a few times in my life, knowing it was right but questioning it. Can I offer that God is the ultimate google? He is. Not because He's instantaneous but because His answers are always right and His direction never leads me astray. You just have to seek Him. He's also shown me exactly how He's going to use that for His glory and I'm floored but willing. I'm available God, to whatever you'd have me to do. I just want to be in the middle of your will for my life.

Isaiah 48:9

For My name’s sake I defer My anger, and for the sake of My praise I restrain it for you, that I may not cut you off.

 What I love about God is that He never treats me as I deserve. The wages of sin are death. I deserve nothing. I haven't earned anything. If He never blessed me again that would be just fine based on who I am. What God does is He never treated me like who I actually am. He treats me out of two truths: 1. Because I have accepted Jesus as my savior and believe by faith, He sees me through the blood of the Lamb and that Blood speaks on my behalf each and every time I fall short. 2. He treats me out of His own nature. What's the nature of God? He's loving and kind, generous, faithful, all powerful but seeking my consent for relationship, merciful, with grace that abounds farther than the eyes will ever behold. He is so amazing and I need Him so desperately to see me through Jesus's sacrifice and the treat me out of who He is. I'm so thankful to live after the full, perfect, and sufficient sacrifice of Jesus was made that I may only know God's love and not His anger.

Isaiah 48:12

Listen to Me, O Jacob, and Israel, My called [ones]: I am He; I am the First, I also am the Last.

The beginning and the end. I always thought this was scripture but I'd never seen it. Here it is...in black and white. What I love about that reality is that there's nothing beyond God. There's not thing out of His reach or that He can't see. There's a level of safety in a relationship with God that you won't find anywhere else. When I've been completely unsure of myself, I've been sure of Him. My friends would tell you that until I really got on purpose I was always ready to go be with Jesus. I've always been that sure. I'm still that sure....but I got a lot of things to do like deliver 8,000 babies, train a couple hundred residents, marry my wife and have 4 +/- kids. I've got to do something before I see Him but can I tell you I'm without a doubt about Him? I am.

Isaiah 48:17

Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I am the Lord your God, Who teaches you to profit, Who leads you in the way that you should go.

There's such freedom in following. I spent many years learning how to be the leader...I quite literally have a terminal degree. There is no more that anyone can require of me in my field of study. There's also a ton of responsibility there. Its my job to advocate for others who are trying to get where I am and teach them how to navigate the amorphous world of graduate study. So yea...I know how to lead. There's the leading and following thing God is working on in me now that's very cool, to me at least. So check this, He's teaching me to follow so that I can lead spiritually. I've always really thought that I was supposed to be the head of my household and I've always had such a heart for giving and serving and providing. I didn't realize that heart was placed in me because one day I'd be charged with being the head of my household but I see that now. God's really teaching me how to seek Him diligently so that when I do become a wife, I can operate fully from that place having already done the work. When I think about the nature of some of the prayers I've prayed, I can see a pattern. He's definitely teaching me to seek Him first and often. There's such responsibility in leading or feeling called to lead but there's grace there and there's also so much instruction from God.

Isaiah 49:9-10

Saying to those who are bound, Come forth, and to those who are in [spiritual] darkness, Show yourselves [come into the light of the Sun of righteousness]. They shall feed in all the ways [in which they go], and their pastures shall be [not in deserts, but] on all the bare [grass-covered] hills.

They will not hunger or thirst, neither will mirage [mislead] or scorching wind or sun smite them; for He Who has mercy on them will lead them, and by springs of water will He guide them.

God wants you. He wanted me. I remember how diligently He pursued me. How He still pursues me. Opening my heart to Him was such a powerful experience in my life. There's not part of me that He can't access. Once I admitted that I really love women and once I sought Him about that, I've been radically changed in my faith walk. I believe Him for things I struggled with for years. I also believe He's enough for the first time ever. Though I have a promise from Him, I trust Him and believe on Him with expectation now. I know how and who He made me to be and I can take all of that to the throne. Can I offer that if you show Him who you are, He'll love you not despite of yourself because of yourself? He will. He made you. You're His beloved.

I've not had it at all easy but I've definitely had more peace in my life than I've had in a long time. My life didn't acutely lack peace. It just was so far from it and I didn't realize it. I didn't have true grasp on how powerful it was for me to get on my knees about things. I didn't tap into the spirit in me as often and  I needed to. I also love how He's guiding me. It makes no earthly sense but I know it doesn't need to. God can do whatever, whenever, however, for as long as He likes. I'm just going to wait on Him. This is going to be sooooo good. Come through JESUS!

Isaiah 49:13

Sing for joy, O heavens, and be joyful, O earth, and break forth into singing, O mountains! For the Lord has comforted His people and will have compassion upon His afflicted.

If we believe that God is unchanging and unchangeable and we've seen what He's done for His people in the Bible and our own lives, we can be assured that He will bring us whatever it is we need. It is my humble prayer every night that the Lord give my love what she needs. I also pray that whatever I need to be I am, that He equip me to do what He would have me to do but I realize that the only real place she'll ever find comfort is with Him. There's not a whole lot I can do for a hurt this big. He's faithful though...I know He's got her.

Isaiah 49:16

Behold, I have indelibly imprinted (tattooed a picture of) you on the palm of each of My hands; [O Zion] your walls are continually before Me.

 This reminds me of my commitment and I think this verse demonstrates how powerful it is to have something on your hands as a statement. It not only reminds me but it tells others. My commitment isn't permanent but I've got two permanent tattoos on my body and the latest is my first religious one. It means infinite, boundless grace because that's exactly what God has had with me. And I've needed it...trust me! But I love the idea of imprinting. From Twilight (yes, you may laugh) we remember that wolves imprint for life. They will never be with another in the way they were with the one they imprinted on. God feels the same way about us. We are imprinted on His hands and we are constantly under His direction and instruction. I love being in the palm of His hand. I use to pray a prayer that ended with "And while we are apart one from another, may God hold you in the palm of His hand." I had no idea that had a scriptural reference. I love God.

Called, Chosen, Loved

Everything is working together for my good. That's a hard truth sometimes. Its something I have to believe despite. Despite what I see, despite what I feel, despite what I hear, despite the conversation around me, despite my own doubts, I have to believe that all things work together for the good of those who are called. Being called is an interesting reality.  Its not like having your name called or having to be the one that speaks on behalf of your group. Sometimes it is but I find that being called often requires me to spend more time away from people. It actually requires me to spend more time with God. Being called feels like there's greater purpose behind everything. It feels like checking in all the time to make sure you're exactly where you're supposed to be, saying what He wants you to say, being what He wants you to be. Sometimes the call on your life is so much bigger than you could have ever conceived. The call on mine is. I'm often baffled by the backlash I get for certain things that I know are God's will. The thing I have to realize is that that response isn't about me. Its about them dealing with their own issues. When I look back at the things God has instilled in me to believe deeply in and pursue, I'm struck by the fact that before I knew I was called He was calling me. That has to shift my perspective of the things around me. Even when they don't look like they're for my good, I've found that they are. The difficulty lies in believing that well before it looks good, feels good, or even smells good. So many times I've lost sight of who God is and placed my eyes firmly on the natural and been devastated. As I move deeper in my relationship with God, I'm often reminded "All things not some things Phil." Often.

Isaiah 45:3-5

And I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, Who calls you by your name.

For the sake of Jacob My servant, and of Israel My chosen, I have called you by your name. I have surnamed you, though you have not known Me.

I am the Lord, and there is no one else; there is no God besides Me. I will gird and arm you, though you have not known Me,

When I tell y'all I don't read what I'm going to write about before I write my intro....I promise I don't. God be handling me real tough. I love Him so much! Really God? Okay lets get this. Can I offer that things I've had a heart after and sought Him for are the very things He will give me? I had a conversation a few weeks ago about this. There's something in my life that I know can't be anything but God. I've prayed about it, gotten scriptures about it, gotten confirmation about it, gotten a sermon about it and I'm just waiting expectantly with hope for the promises God has made me. Additionally, I don't want to do anything to bring about what He's promised me so I can be absolutely sure it was Him that not only placed that desire but also brought it into fruition. I want to be able to say "That was God" definitively. Some of the things He's promised me were so hidden from me, He had to reveal them to me to even offer them. There were a lot of "unknown to my conscious mind" desires I've had that He brought conscious and then informed me that I would have. 

I honestly thought for a long time that I would be satisfied with having the most flexible schedule imaginable and never being required to do anything, but the Lord knew I needed people to need me even if I do enjoy waking up with no alarm clock. I have had a deep and pervasive desire for a God honoring marriage and I had no idea that God was going to use me to demonstrate how that's possible in a same gender loving relationship but I know He is. I know its Him. There's no doubt about it for me. He's quite literally giving me a testimony. I'll be able to say "It was He alone." It blesses my heart to know I'm going to be able to glorify Him in my work and in my love. 

I was just talking about how he called me before I knew He was? Yes...that's so true. I need Him to be a little less obvious with me lol. This is really blowing me y'all. So anyway, He did. He called me way before I was aware. I remember buying and reading all those books about marriage, which I still own, and being like okay God. Nothing about my life has anything to do with this but I have a thirst for this information. I wanted to be a physician for most of my life. When I detoured to grad school, I was serious about it. Can I offer that the true desires of my heart snuck back up on me. At first I tried to do it the easier way but I found that that wasn't going to work. There was no bypassing med school. I'd be getting that MD too. It's always been God calling me, talking to me, giving me purpose I couldn't see. Can I suggest that when He calls you He also equips you? Because He's done so for me. Its not easy. It wasn't comfortable. I wasn't happy all the time. But I have joy...and I have peace despite. Peace like a babbling stream. Peace.

Isaiah 45:23

I have sworn by Myself, the word is gone out of My mouth in righteousness and shall not return, that unto Me every knee shall bow, every tongue shall swear [allegiance]

 The Word says God is not a man that He lies. It also says here that nothing He's promised with His mouth will return void. Its right there in black and white. This is one of those things that God is so clear about that is also so hard to believe. When I was waiting that 87 days (8= new beginnings, 7= completion) for my med school acceptance, I was not able to always be this person, the person that believes that no word shall return void. I very clearly felt Him and heard Him about Howard being what He had for me but I also didn't see anything in my mail box. Every time I called, they had nothing to tell me. I had all these plans and this desire that God clearly placed in me because I was about that no alarm clock life, and I was mad. Why wasn't God doing this thing faster? Can I offer that it was to build my faith? Because it sure did. I needed to hear God about med school and watch Him bring that to pass to have the faith required for what He revealed to me just a few weeks later. Two things that seemed incongruous actually but both from the same place. Can I offer that God can do anything, including the things that don't make much sense to you? He can. He does. He will. I'm waiting with expectation. No word returns void. Not one. 

I'll be oh so careful to honor and praise Him this time. I learned my lesson. Even though there will be hard days and there often are. I believe God. 

Isaiah 46:9-10

[Earnestly] remember the former things, [which I did] of old; for I am God, and there is no one else; I am God, and there is none like Me,

Declaring the end and the result from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all My pleasure and purpose,

I think this is such an important part of faith. God's done it before + God is unchanging = God will do it again. It would be different if He'd never given us anything upon which to base our faith but He has continuously, consistently, and constantly. Even though He owes us nothing, He's given us everything. If He'd give His son so that we could have relationship and life eternal, why wouldn't He give you things that cost Him almost nothing? The sacrifice of love He's already shown should be evidence enough that He's exactly who He says He is. God is love. The thing is...when your day doesn't look that great, your week was less than stellar, and your year didn't get off to a good start, its hard to remember the things He has been faithful over. I know. I lived that reality for a year when I wasn't getting into med school. The weight of feeling unworthy and worthless almost crushed me. I'd lost sight of who I am in Him and what He's called me to and the fact that if He's called me, it will come to pass. My faith walk was a crawl. 

Can I offer that He knew from before and that He told me before and I didn't believe like I should? I didn't. I absolutely didn't. When His promises, what He intend from the beginning, became a thing in the natural it grew my faith exponentially. God will do that, just to show you who He is. I want to believe God more deeply, that everything will be fine well in advance of that reality. I'm walking that out real faithfully sometimes and sometimes not. But there's grace. Both from Him and as a permanent reminder on my ankle. Infinite Grace.

Divine Intersection

Someone I trust told me to go back to Psalm 91. When I went to see what I'd originally written about this section of Psalms I found that I hadn't written anything. I was SHOCKED! So.... apparently I underlined but didn't write about it. Talk about a divine intersection.

Psalm 91:1

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty

Can I offer that being in regular, consistent, relationship with God is like a buffer? I know it to be so for myself. Even with tumultuous and convoluted situations surrounding me, I know that I've got an actor that will hold. He is the rock upon which I stand. I'm clear about who God is because He is unchanging. In the midst of it all, He is the same. He is my God everyday and everyday I can rest assured in that fact.

I don't really think of Him as a secret place because I'm very open about my relationship with Him but I definitely think its private. The relationship I have with Him exists between just the two of us. I share it with lots of people but it only works because I work at it one on one. I love the word dwelling. The indwelling of the Spirit will changed my life. I can go right down inside myself and check if certain things feel right/agree with the Jesus in me and make decisions on the spot. Nothing I find in the Word fails to agree with the Spirit in me because they come from the same place. When I felt the Lord say telling me to offer an outward demonstration of faith in what He's promised me, I had such peace within that I hadn't had in such a long time. It was peace I never thought I'd have. It is a peace I continue to experience. He's so faithful.

Psalm 91:9-11

Because you have made the Lord your refuge, and the Most High your dwelling place,

There shall no evil befall you, nor any plague or calamity come near your tent.

For He will give His angels [especial] charge over you to accompany and defend andpreserve you in all your ways [of obedience and service].

I've noticed that when I'm right, nothing shakes the foundation of what I believe. When I know in the core of who I am that this is what God has for me, I'm unmoved by the thoughts and opinions of others. Its not a stubborn thing but a "its been established by God and its coming to pass so I'm going to be in line with His Will" thing. Now I know that can come off harshly or like I don't care about other's people's feelings about my actions but what I've found is that God's got that. Its not my job to help everyone get on board with what God is doing in my life, He's got that. The thing about the will of God is that it might not change but He'll change your opinion of it to be something you want. Can I offer that that level of surrender isn't easy? Because its not. Its so not. Nothing about walking out the truth of God in your life is easy. Often it requires more faith, more trust, more patience, and more obedience than you've ever conceived of. God will make provision for that. 

When I think about what's required of me, I'm acutely aware of the fact that its not under my power that its happening and also that He's changing me to make me more like Him. Initially it was all Him but He's changed my capacity to hold and be what He wants me to be. He's molding me into a better, more loving, more patient, kinder, more compassionate person. Its not that there's no struggle. There most definitely is. Can I offer that because I'm seeking Him to be my refuge and my strong tower, I'm better able to withstand everything else in my life. 

Also, angels. They are real. Sometimes they're earthly and sometimes they're heavenly but they've been with me day in and day out. I'm most acutely aware of them when I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. And they're huge. One angel can take up most of my bedroom. Their wings are massive.  They also have names. We know that because Gabriel was named. Those are the heavenly ones....the earthly ones are people. They show up or cross your path when you least expect it. They are often divine intersections when you pass by people you had no idea you'd be interfacing with. They leave you with something you didn't know you needed but needed desperately. I've got a few. They're awesome.

Psalm 91:15

He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

Call upon Him? Yes. Consistently. I'm in such desperate need of His guidance so often. Most often in my life I've prayed for things: admittance to college, med school, grad school, getting a fellowship. Those things are difficult to wait on but can I tell you about my new things? My current prayers blow my mind. I'm praying for more faith, I'm praying for manifestation of the Word in my life, I'm praying for discernment, and I'm praying for my promises from God. I'm praying for lots of non-tangibles. I'm praying to be more in tune with the Spirit of God. I'm praying that He use my mouth to say what He would have me to say and my fingers type what He'd have me to understand about His Word. I'm praying on a new level. Can I offer that He's been so faithful in this new season? He has. He is. He always would be but I had to get there. I had to see His faithfulness over things like med school before I could believe He would for ME with other things. And when I was waiting on Him, I was most definitely in trouble. I was in trouble with myself because I thought I wasn't good enough, smart enough, lots-of-things enough. Can I tell you that not only did He restore my self-esteem and do away with destructive behaviors, He also honored me with admission in January? Yea....I wasn't entirely faithful over my few things, but He was faithful out of His very nature. 

Psalm 92:5

How great are Your doings, O Lord! Your thoughts are very deep  

This is a hard truth. God's thoughts are deeper than ours. The things we want, the things we desire, even the things we need are often shortsighted. Yes, we do have the ability to reason but we just can't see exactly how all these things need to come together. I never could have seen that going to Nebraska would get me to UNC. I never could have seen that that move would be the first tilling of the soul of my relationship with my mentor. I never could have known that I'd get to spend so much time with LP because of this move. I would never have guessed that 5 years after meeting my grad school bestie, she'd be the first native Chinese person to attend my church and she'd stand up and credit me with her finding faith in Jesus. I had no idea how God was going to use my life at all. I know what I wanted but can I offer that what He had for me was better? It was. It is. It continues to be. The reality is that there are things we just won't understand in human form. I've got two things I know I'm supposed to do and they aren't close to each other at all. God can handle that. The hard part is letting Him do it.

Psalm 94:9

He Who planted the ear, shall He not hear? He Who formed the eye, shall He not see?

Had the Lord not created ears, you'd never hear. Had he not formed eyes, you'd never see. I think about the sunsets and the symphonies, the laughter of babies, and the smiles of old people around babies and I think, what a loss that would be. God has done some marvelous things that I think we take for granted often. As simple as my ability to look at my phone and see any of my loves, hearing LP say "Lise", or listening to the voice of the one I love. So simple. So beautiful. So edifying. Even the way my obnoxious little sister calls me "sibl" which is short for sibling. All of it....amazing.

And I think of how using those things can be so life giving. Its the hearing of the twinge of pain in the  voice of my sister over her sarcasm or the sincerity behind words spoken through laughter. Its the way I look at her. Its the way eyes well up with tears but remain unspilled saying "hold me", "love me", "be with me."  These things are opportunities God has offered me that have taught me so much about what it means to really love and actually be devoted. I'm grateful.

Psalm 94:11-12

The Lord knows the thoughts of man, that they are vain (empty and futile—only a breath).

Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man whom You discipline and instruct, O Lord, and teach out of Your law,

He knows your thoughts. He definitely knows mine. I'm telling Him what they are all the time. They may not matter but they matter to God. Can I offer that He wants the best for us and that when we're struggling/tired/in pain/vexed/dismayed that He's interested in that? He has been in my life. Every time I've decided to come to Him, He's been very interested. He's been the calm in the storms of my life every time I've sought Him. He is my refuge and my ever present help. 

The discipline of the Lord.....well.....its a thing. Its not an easy thing. Its not trivial at all. It requires...well diligence. The thing about lessons with God, for me, is that if I don't get it it comes back. God wants me to understand something and I'm going to understand it if I have to see this lesson a million times. Sometimes I think my independence is my parents' test. My sister is nothing like me but God made me different. I'm a thinker and I'm devoutly religious and I'm a lesbian. I'm not like what they were expecting from a first born. I have no idea what He's teaching them but I know that He's taught me about how much more radical grace and love are through learning who I was made to be. Can I offer that the most important law of God is love? It is. And that's what He's taught me. 

Psalm 95:7a

 For He is our God and we are the people of His pasture and the sheep of His hand. 

 I am His beloved. He is my one true love. There is no other truth more powerful than this one. This relationship is the only one I've got to try to get right. I won't get it right with God most of the time, but grace endures. Everything else about my life will fall into place because He's got it. He's got me. He's got you. Its hard to see that, to understand and comprehend, that even in the midst of crazy amounts of pain and lack of understanding, that God still has our best in mind and it is coming to pass. God's best for us is a reality. He's faithful. Trust Him. 

Behold, He Is

I was awake this morning at 5:30. When I'm really awake like that, I know the Lord wants something from me. Its always prayer. So I prayed.  That's one of those obedience things for me cause usually I want to just go back to sleep. Ever since I found out what intercessory prayer was, I've wanted to be an intercessory prayer warrior. Oh but I had no idea what I was talking about. I still remember when all the mothers of the church covered me in prayer when I showed up, all of 15, at 7 am prayer during our Mid Winter Conference. You know what intercessory prayer looks like? 5:30 prayer time! That's what it looks like. I love that I know why I'm awake. I love knowing that God wants me to pray and I just pray whatever is on my heart. Its simple and beautiful.

Isaiah 43:1-2

But now [in spite of past judgments for Israel’s sins], thus says the Lord, He Who created you, O Jacob, and He Who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you [ransomed you by paying a price instead of leaving you captives]; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you.

 He's always with me. He never leaves me or forsakes me. In spite of my failings, my sin, my human frailty, He is there. Even though there are all these people, He has time for me. He paid a very high price to be in relationship with me and He most definitely gets His money's worth or rather His Son's blood's worth. When I think about all the times I haven't sought Him but He's sought me, I'm so humbled. I think about situations where He made sure it would work out for my good and I'm amazed. I often talk about being purified by fire. There have been times in my life when He's presence was the fire. What was best for me caused me great pain. This relationship wouldn't be able to stand on its own had I not walked through losing my mentor, not getting in UNC, and not getting into med school the first time. I also know I wouldn't know Him like I do had I not needed to cling to Him. Those nights I cried with my Bible against my chest: the fire. 

Isaiah 43: 10-11

You are My witnesses, says the Lord, and My servant whom I have chosen, that you may know Me, believe Me and remain steadfast to Me, and understand that I am He. Before Me there was no God formed, neither shall there be after Me.

I, even I, am the Lord, and besides Me there is no Savior.

I realize its a radical thought but God is the same. He's the same God that parted the Red Sea, that had Jonah eaten but NOT digested by a whale, and who tested Job. Job was the first book of the Bible I ever read. I read it because it was assigned to us in 10th grade English. We read and discussed the whole book. Job was God's guy and God LET the devil test Job. Job lost everything but remained faithful unto God, who he wasn't getting any blessing, favor, or apparent love from. I don't know if God has ever tested you to see if you were serious about your faith but He's tested mine. "Do you trust me? Will you still worship me if not? Would you give me back that thing that you hold so valuable?" <---Real questions God has asked me. It isn't always easy, in fact it usually isn't easy. Possible is what the will of God is. Its possible. 

The thing about knowing God is that you know He's better, greater, more powerful, worthy, loving, kind, generous, merciful. You know these things but knowing them isn't always feeling them. Can I offer that being faithful to your faith is its own reward? When I look back at all the time He carried me through situations that looked awful simply because I kept believing or at minimum wanting to believe and didn't turn my back on Him? Talk about a testimony. God wants to show you His character but sometimes He's got to walk you through some situations so you can see who He is. There's no help besides Him. Trust Him. He's all we got!

Isaiah 43:13

Yes, from the time of the first existence of day and from this day forth I am He; and there is no one who can deliver out of My hand. I will work, and who can hinder or reverse it?

He's always been. You know sometimes, I sign my letters "Always" which means under my own power, I'll never leave you. God's always isn't like that. God's always is literally always. He knows all, sees all, allows all. This verse states plainly, no one can deliver out of My hand. <---Whatever God allows is what will happen. The influence of us humans is just not that big in the face of His will. We just don't have that kind of power.  Free will is real though. Can I offer that even when we make a decision contrary to what God would want, that His purpose for us will still be fulfilled? Yes we do make decisions but God is still God. The power rests not with us but with Him. God knows and knew beforehand. 

I can get my knees each and every day but that won't do me a bit of good if it isn't God's will. Its why I pray "If it be thy will Jesus." Trust me, its not because I want to all the time. Surrender is what that requires and sometimes I just want Him to do what I want. <---Not a thing. 

Isaiah 43:21

The people I formed for Myself, that they may set forth My praise [and they shall do it

Oh to be righteous and upright. To be continuously praising God. I wish my life was like this. I endeavor for it to be. I try really hard but my most perfect effort falls short, so very short. But He made me for praise and that's what I will continue to do. I think about my time in choir and how I so loved just going to worship the Lord. I know it wasn't about that for a lot of people but it was for me. I just wanted to sing and I wanted to sing about Him. I'd always been able to sing a little bit but I was great in band so I never got to take chorus in middle and high school. 

That was my praise then. My praise now is different. There's still singing but there's a lot more work on my relationship with God happening. There's a lot more study to my relationship now. The gift of studying comes in handy when you want to get to know God. So does the gift of writing. I look back at when I use to sing and I use to let people tell me who God was and now I know Him for myself. Learning that, becoming a person that seeks Him alone and lets Him move freely in my life....its a new day. 

Isaiah 44:3

For I will pour water upon him who is thirsty, and floods upon the dry ground. I will pour My Spirit upon your offspring, and My blessing upon your descendants.

God provides. I know it doesn't always seem like He does but as the Creator of all things, anything you need comes from Him. When I think about how much I wanted a baby in 2010, I know God provides. There was literally no way for me to get one but LP was born in April of 2011 and he lit up my life. He's my first love. He's love personified. He's a literal provision from above. 

Now God isn't always sending babies. Right now I need Him to send a few things but can I tell you I know Him to be faithful. He has been....and not over a few things like He wants us to be but over all things. Even when it doesn't look like He is who He says He is, can I offer that what it looks like isn't always what it is? Can I offer that if we aren't seeing God for who He says He is in the Word, that we are the ones that are wrong? I know I have been so often wrong about God. Every time I wanted something I didn't get I assumed it was because God didn't care what I wanted. The Bible has no such verses in it. The Bible talks about His provision, His favor, His blessing, and His plans being better than ours. I've found that believing the Word when reality doesn't seem to match up is always the better choice. Faith in times that seem impossible will change you. 

Can I also offer that the Spirit that God ours out on your offspring, aren't always your biological offspring. I know there are some "mothers" praying for me who didn't give birth to me and I'm grateful to know them and to be their "kid" in the Spirit. 

Isaiah 44:22

I have blotted out like a thick cloud your transgressions, and like a cloud your sins. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you

 We are without sin. We are free from our transgressions. We are redeemed. When I think about all the things I've done wrong, said wrong, and just plain been wrong about I'm so grateful for the finished work of the cross. I think there's often a lack of revelation about what finished means. There's nothing else that needs to be done. There's not amount of service you could do to entitle you to inherit the kingdom of God anyway but we act like there is sometimes. Its like we forget that Christ did it all. He was a FULL and COMPLETE sacrifice for all sins for all mankind. We don't sacrifice animals anymore because He was the only sacrifice needed. Everything that ever was going to happen and everything that happened is gone. There's nothing separating us from the Father. If there's separation, its on us. And why, pray tell, do we let the guilt of sins God doesn't even see keep us from Him? Why are we sacrificing the relationship Christ died for because of our own nonsense? I'm not. I'm constantly trying to not do that. 

Can I offer that no matter what you think you've done or someone else has done, if we belong to Him we are redeemed? Its true. We are His beloved. Walk in the reality.  

He Gave First

We love you.
That was yesterday's message from my mentor and company. They even have a nickname for me. They're so adorable. I actually talked to them about a lot of things but mostly preparation and how I got to this place. My relationship with the Father has been a type of everyday salvation for me. I've had to seek Him and know Him a lot longer than most because some people's best effort in my life wasn't very good. The Bible says He'll be a parent to those who lack and though I have two living parents, I've needed that truth so many times. He'll also send some folk to parent you. They talked about how much I'd grown since I met them and made sure I was clear about a couple of things that aren't okay. <--Their parenting moment!  They really check on me. People are so important. I love knowing exactly who my people are. And I love them right back!

Chapter 40:4-5

Every valley shall be lifted and filled up, and every mountain and hill shall be made low; and the crooked and uneven shall be made straight and level, and the rough places a plain.

And the glory (majesty and splendor) of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken it.

I've watched God make what looked crooked straight. I've watching Him smooth out the rough places. Going back to what I was talking about in my intro, I remember learning "They're doing the best they can." That changed my life. When I came to realize that people, even those who are supposed to love you deeply, are doing the best they can it was eye opening. Its how I learned to have more people than just those who were related to me. 

Can I offer that having more people can make those valleys flat? They did for me. God sent me some folk that filled in all those places in me. Its why I have such a sense of duty with so many of the people I love. I know exactly where I was when they gave a kind word or gesture. I remember having to ask my mentor if I was pretty because no adult had ever told me I was. She was floored. She actually left me voicemail that I kept for years that basically told me I was awesome because no one had ever done that for me. <---The crooked made straight. She told me I was awesome before I even conceived of it. ML is also one of those people in my life. When I couldn't trust myself, I could trust her.  She told me I was awesome when I didn't believe it at all. She's most definitely a gift from above. There are places in me that she reaches that no one else can. I've been so grateful to have her in my life and my heart. She's taught me so much about love and fidelity. Can I offer that the people God has used in my life have helped me see my God more clearly? I know these people didn't walk into my life by happenstance. I've seen how God has used them to love on me and that drives me to worship Him as well. He saw and met my needs. 

Chapter 40:8

The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.

Forever. That's a long time. The Word of the living, breathing God will never be done away with. That allows me to believe. I know I'm constantly seeking safety in relationships. The Word of God tells me that my relationship with the Father is the safest place I'll ever be. Can we talk for a minute about what it means that His Word is everlasting? It means salvation is available forever, that His character and nature will never change, His love endures, His mercy overwhelms, grace is unending, and He's still able.  

Chapter 40:28-29

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, does not faint or grow weary; there is no searching of His understanding.

He gives power to the faint and weary, and to him who has no might He increases strength [causing it to multiply and making it to abound].

He's always ready. I love my MacBook Pro. I deeply believe in MacBooks. I have them because they don't get viruses, they run fast, they are seamlessly integrated with everything else that Apple. Its great. But even the best computer ain't ready as soon as you open it. I gotta wait for the wifi to connect to be able to use it to its full capacity and it will go to sleep if I run the battery down with no regard for what I want to do. God's not like that. I can seek Him at the drop of a dime and He's right there. He's right there when I'm not even looking for Him. He's constant. He doesn't tire. Not only is that meaning that He doesn't get sleepy but He always doesn't ever find me annoying. And let me tell you? If I talked to you as much as I talk to Him, y'all would be like GURL! Do we really need all this conversation?!?!?! I talk to Him consistently throughout the day. 

Have you ever tried to run a MacBook on no power. Its a no. When I've had no power whatsoever, to do right, to be right, to even seek Him appropriately, He's given me power. He's made a way for me to continue. He's provided everything I've needed. When all I could say was "Father, show me who I am" He was faithful in that. When I couldn't get the words out through my tears, He was present. He's been the only thing that got me through the day so many times I can't even count. God knows when you can't do it yourself. He's got you. He's got that.

Chapter 40:31

But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall changeand renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.

 Yesterday, my love team was like "Girl....how are you making it?" I was like "He'll be a mother to the motherless and a husband to the widow." I've had to believe on that for a long time. You know sometimes I don't really know. When I think about how traumatic some of the things happening around me are, I wonder too. But can I offer that He's making the difficult peaceful? I mean honestly, it isn't easy. My heart isn't always strong. There are things that pull me by the throat and force me to my knees so quickly you'd think I'd fallen. But everyday, I get up and I look at the Word and it helps me so tremendously. I listen to the truth of who God is through music, I read it, I mediate on the Word, and I worship Him...sometimes sacrificially. I honestly only got slightly weary recently. My heart can only take so much silence from my love but can I offer that it changed my prayer life? When you know something's wrong and you can't fix it, it creates a desperation in prayer. Whatever she needs God, do that. Increase my ability to discern so that I can be whatever I need to be for her. If I'm not what she needs, get her that God. <---Desperate. There are deeper more surrendered places of prayer and seeking Him that He's able to pull from me.  Lord, change me, show me, teach me.  

So yea, with God it isn't easy. Its possible though. Its so possible. 

Chapter 41:4

Who has prepared and done this, calling forth and guiding the destinies of the generations [of the nations] from the beginning? I, the Lord—the first [existing before history began] and with the last [an ever-present, unchanging God]—I am He.

He knew us before we knew ourselves. god had guided each step we've taken. Nothing surprises Him. He knew. He's always known. When I think about coming to terms with who I am, I think about how delighted I felt when I found out that that thing I'd been looking for was what it was. For so long, I'd been less than pleased about sexuality. I didn't get it. I didn't understand it. I thought it was something I'd suffer through from the rest of my life. That was until God opened me eyes. This is who I made you to be. I'm so glad you found yourself. <--Found myself and who I am in God? Yea... that's what I heard in the Spirit. Knowing that makes so much difference for me. It also helps to see verses like this. He knew me. He knew I'd never love a man, but He gave me a deep and pervasive desire to be married and to honor Him through that. That wasn't an accident. I definitely feel like He's guiding me to be married and also to use my future marriage as a ministry for those who don't realize how God can use homosexuality, His creation, for His edification. I may not have always known and my parents may be just coming to know, but He knew. He's always known and He's got purpose there. He's going to get the glory.

Chapter 41:10

Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror andbe dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightnessand justice.

In a storm, He's so present. Can I offer that He's also that way at all times? There are times when nothing's happening. I love just hanging with God. Sometimes its through meditation and sometimes its just listening to some worship music. There's this place of complete peace that almost feels like sleep but it isn't. I love going there after prayer at night. Its not sleep but its so close to it. Its the most relaxed I've ever been. The first time I felt that was in the car coming back from a theme park with my church friends in Nebraska. I was listening to the Bethel Album. Bethel does it to me. I usually listen to them while I pray. I like listening to music so loudly when I pray that I can't really hear what I'm saying. It procures a more honest prayer out of me. I may stumble over some words since I can't hear them, but I'm definitely more truthful about what I need and where I am then. 

In times of great difficulty, I can reach for realities that stand firm forever. God is. I think its so important to remember that. God is able. God is love. God is merciful. God's grace persists. God can. God has. God will. When I think about how He's prepared me and walked with me, I know He's strengthened me for other things. They kind of scare me because some of the stuff I've been through definitely shook me to the core of who I am but I know Him better because of it. Lord, continue to be my ever present help and my hang out partner. I love you.

Chapter 42:1

Behold my [a]Servant, Whom I uphold, My elect in Whom My soul delights! I have put My Spirit upon Him; He will bring forth justice and right and reveal truth to the nations.

These are the Father's words about Jesus. This is how He describes His son. Can I offer that this is also how He describes us. This is what God thinks of you and me. When I accepted Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross for my sins, I became a child of God and gained the inheritance of such a person. I also got washed in the blood of the Lamb and God sees me through the filter of His son. You know the filters on the Gram? Yes there's a filter with God too. Its the Jesus filter and when He sees me through that His soul delights. Ummmm what? Yes I'm a delight to God. He calls me beloved. And He has put His spirit in me. The indwelling of the Spirit is God on the inside and shining through on the outside. I'm so blessed by the sacrifice Jesus made for me. Even when Jesus said can the cup pass He said not my will but yours. What? Talk about surrender. I'm still working on it but He's pushing me with that too. A faith walk? Yes....even the level of surrender I'm currently in requires so much more than I thought it would but He's right there. I think its so important to remind ourselves of what God thinks of us. I'm His beloved. Swoon

Chapter 42: 6-7

I the Lord have called You [the Messiah] for a righteous purpose and in righteousness; I will take You by the hand and will keep You; I will give You for a covenant to the people [Israel], for a light to the nations [Gentiles],

To open the eyes of the blind, to bring out prisoners from the dungeon, and those who sit in darkness from the prison.

 Jesus was called to these things by God. His purpose was utter righteousness and to be a covenant. I don't often think about Jesus as a covenant but He quite literally tore the veil. I love that the Word doesn't say I will give you a covenant but I will give you FOR a covenant. Right there is the foretelling of the cross and that the work there will be complete.  He is very much like the ring I wear on my hand. He is commitment. He is God's offering to us to solidify, edify, and be our bridge to our holy Father.  Through Jesus, we have God and a right to relationship with Him. Jesus opens the eyes, not only those that see, but those that see in the Spirit. The sin and the guilt for it that use to hinder me in my relationship with God....when I got a more clear revelation of what the cross did for me, I got out of the bondage quick! And even when I slip back into guilt, I remember this verse: "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are found in Christ Jesus." That's true period. And not only is it true but its much bigger, deeper, broader, and more profound than we can believe. No condemnation. None. At all. 

Chapter 42:9

Behold, the former things have come to pass, and new things I now declare; before they spring forth I tell you of them.

Watch out with this one. This one will throw you. The Lord has given me whiplash with the "before they spring forth I will tell you of them" concept. When I tell you the promises He'll lay on your heart will blow your mind? Things I wasn't even looking for or thinking about He's said will be mine. Seek Him without agenda and see what He says. Mind. Blown. I love Him so much. He's so good to me.