Last night was the first night I slept without my commitments since my love's heart broke. It wasn't intentional...in fact I've been the exact opposite of that throughout all of this. I've been so intentional. I wear it all the time. The only time I've not had it on my person was basically to put on lotion. Its amazing how a practice like that can change you. I'm talking about being intentional. And as soon as I woke up this morning and I clasped my hands before placing them on home row at this computer I became acutely aware. I think that the thing about intentionality. You start doing something and then not doing it becomes nearly ridiculous to you. I think about getting in bed without reading the Word and that seems like such randomness. There is such order to my life because I read the Bible at night and pray and in the morning I write this devotional in the morning. Now, I haven't always done this work on my relationship with God but I have been doing it for the better part of 2 months so its a part of me. I still woke up and prayed for my love but my hand....it didn't feel funny but it just didn't look or feel like it was supposed to. I think being intentional about your faith walk, about your time with Jesus matters. I know it makes me better. I also know that though I'd never forget my love, I also like the reminder. We've been doing this thing 10 years...10 precious, hard, loving years. I don't need to wear my commitment to her, but I want to.
Happy Palm Sunday!
Isaiah 48:6
You have heard [these things foretold], now you see this fulfillment. And will you not bear witness to it? I show you specified new things from this time forth, even hidden things [kept in reserve] which you have not known.
I ran from med school. Twice. I ran from it senior year of college. I wasn't scared of med school but I felt like I could have more impact on people in grad school. Ironically enough, that's been true. Grad school has given me the freedom to actually be with people. I can show up for people in ways no medical school or resident ever could. My life is incredibly flexible. I think that was a God given intersection. My grad school experience was definitely where God wanted me for a season and I'm so grateful for it. I learned so much and I think it actually made me an independent Christian, a person that has their own relationship with God. The 2nd time I ran was when I knew the Lord was pushing me back to medicine. I started openly considering midwifery school because the 8 years of med school and residency sounded crazy to me. I didn't want to do anything that long but I knew. I knew the whole time that it was medical school. One of the greatest tools of redirection was the number of pre-reqs I didn't have that I'd need for midwifery....ummm no. But still, God had foretold so long ago, in 2nd grade that I'd be an OB. I just had to get back there. And now that's happening. Its real.
The second part of this verse speaks to everyone about the promises of God. There are new things, things I didn't even know that the Lord has revealed. When I think about coming to know who I am for myself, its all God. I spent so much time seeking and asking about this thing that I hadn't felt but a few times in my life, knowing it was right but questioning it. Can I offer that God is the ultimate google? He is. Not because He's instantaneous but because His answers are always right and His direction never leads me astray. You just have to seek Him. He's also shown me exactly how He's going to use that for His glory and I'm floored but willing. I'm available God, to whatever you'd have me to do. I just want to be in the middle of your will for my life.
Isaiah 48:9
For My name’s sake I defer My anger, and for the sake of My praise I restrain it for you, that I may not cut you off.
What I love about God is that He never treats me as I deserve. The wages of sin are death. I deserve nothing. I haven't earned anything. If He never blessed me again that would be just fine based on who I am. What God does is He never treated me like who I actually am. He treats me out of two truths: 1. Because I have accepted Jesus as my savior and believe by faith, He sees me through the blood of the Lamb and that Blood speaks on my behalf each and every time I fall short. 2. He treats me out of His own nature. What's the nature of God? He's loving and kind, generous, faithful, all powerful but seeking my consent for relationship, merciful, with grace that abounds farther than the eyes will ever behold. He is so amazing and I need Him so desperately to see me through Jesus's sacrifice and the treat me out of who He is. I'm so thankful to live after the full, perfect, and sufficient sacrifice of Jesus was made that I may only know God's love and not His anger.
Isaiah 48:12
Listen to Me, O Jacob, and Israel, My called [ones]: I am He; I am the First, I also am the Last.
The beginning and the end. I always thought this was scripture but I'd never seen it. Here it is...in black and white. What I love about that reality is that there's nothing beyond God. There's not thing out of His reach or that He can't see. There's a level of safety in a relationship with God that you won't find anywhere else. When I've been completely unsure of myself, I've been sure of Him. My friends would tell you that until I really got on purpose I was always ready to go be with Jesus. I've always been that sure. I'm still that sure....but I got a lot of things to do like deliver 8,000 babies, train a couple hundred residents, marry my wife and have 4 +/- kids. I've got to do something before I see Him but can I tell you I'm without a doubt about Him? I am.
Isaiah 48:17
Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I am the Lord your God, Who teaches you to profit, Who leads you in the way that you should go.
There's such freedom in following. I spent many years learning how to be the leader...I quite literally have a terminal degree. There is no more that anyone can require of me in my field of study. There's also a ton of responsibility there. Its my job to advocate for others who are trying to get where I am and teach them how to navigate the amorphous world of graduate study. So yea...I know how to lead. There's the leading and following thing God is working on in me now that's very cool, to me at least. So check this, He's teaching me to follow so that I can lead spiritually. I've always really thought that I was supposed to be the head of my household and I've always had such a heart for giving and serving and providing. I didn't realize that heart was placed in me because one day I'd be charged with being the head of my household but I see that now. God's really teaching me how to seek Him diligently so that when I do become a wife, I can operate fully from that place having already done the work. When I think about the nature of some of the prayers I've prayed, I can see a pattern. He's definitely teaching me to seek Him first and often. There's such responsibility in leading or feeling called to lead but there's grace there and there's also so much instruction from God.
Isaiah 49:9-10
Saying to those who are bound, Come forth, and to those who are in [spiritual] darkness, Show yourselves [come into the light of the Sun of righteousness]. They shall feed in all the ways [in which they go], and their pastures shall be [not in deserts, but] on all the bare [grass-covered] hills.
They will not hunger or thirst, neither will mirage [mislead] or scorching wind or sun smite them; for He Who has mercy on them will lead them, and by springs of water will He guide them.
God wants you. He wanted me. I remember how diligently He pursued me. How He still pursues me. Opening my heart to Him was such a powerful experience in my life. There's not part of me that He can't access. Once I admitted that I really love women and once I sought Him about that, I've been radically changed in my faith walk. I believe Him for things I struggled with for years. I also believe He's enough for the first time ever. Though I have a promise from Him, I trust Him and believe on Him with expectation now. I know how and who He made me to be and I can take all of that to the throne. Can I offer that if you show Him who you are, He'll love you not despite of yourself because of yourself? He will. He made you. You're His beloved.
I've not had it at all easy but I've definitely had more peace in my life than I've had in a long time. My life didn't acutely lack peace. It just was so far from it and I didn't realize it. I didn't have true grasp on how powerful it was for me to get on my knees about things. I didn't tap into the spirit in me as often and I needed to. I also love how He's guiding me. It makes no earthly sense but I know it doesn't need to. God can do whatever, whenever, however, for as long as He likes. I'm just going to wait on Him. This is going to be sooooo good. Come through JESUS!
Isaiah 49:13
Sing for joy, O heavens, and be joyful, O earth, and break forth into singing, O mountains! For the Lord has comforted His people and will have compassion upon His afflicted.
If we believe that God is unchanging and unchangeable and we've seen what He's done for His people in the Bible and our own lives, we can be assured that He will bring us whatever it is we need. It is my humble prayer every night that the Lord give my love what she needs. I also pray that whatever I need to be I am, that He equip me to do what He would have me to do but I realize that the only real place she'll ever find comfort is with Him. There's not a whole lot I can do for a hurt this big. He's faithful though...I know He's got her.
Isaiah 49:16
Behold, I have indelibly imprinted (tattooed a picture of) you on the palm of each of My hands; [O Zion] your walls are continually before Me.
This reminds me of my commitment and I think this verse demonstrates how powerful it is to have something on your hands as a statement. It not only reminds me but it tells others. My commitment isn't permanent but I've got two permanent tattoos on my body and the latest is my first religious one. It means infinite, boundless grace because that's exactly what God has had with me. And I've needed it...trust me! But I love the idea of imprinting. From Twilight (yes, you may laugh) we remember that wolves imprint for life. They will never be with another in the way they were with the one they imprinted on. God feels the same way about us. We are imprinted on His hands and we are constantly under His direction and instruction. I love being in the palm of His hand. I use to pray a prayer that ended with "And while we are apart one from another, may God hold you in the palm of His hand." I had no idea that had a scriptural reference. I love God.
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