I've come to two things:
1. I'm a specifics person.
It doesn't matter to me if there are 100 people in the room, I'm looking for someone in particular. Usually these rooms contains my mentor, and that's the only person's approval or validation I'm looking for. I need to know how she feels about me. That makes me okay. That has been the thing that's made me okay for so long because I didn't have many people like her telling me I was okay, just the way I am.
2. Its perfectly fine to be a feelings person.
Its who I am. And the reality of that is both good and bad. Its bad because things you didn't mean to hurt me, will. I'm just not agile enough emotionally to handle some things. On the flip side even though you may not need kid gloves, I do, so I use them with other people. I'm going to show up for you because I'd be devastated if you didn't for me. And remember I'm a specifics person, so I would be devastated that it was you that didn't show up even if others did. One of the things I love about my mentor in this new season, is that she gets that. She gets that its specific and its critical for me, and she's so diligent in that. Now I'm not a tit for tat person, but just like she does that for me, I'm at everything she asks me to be at. Not because she needs me, because she's not like me in that respect, but because I treat her out of that nature of who I am. I'm going to treat you like I'd want to be treated and because I'm sensitive. I'm going to be careful with you.
And the head (the capital) of Ephraim is Samaria, and the head of Samaria is Remaliah’s son [Pekah]. If you will not believe and trust and rely [on God and on the words of God’s prophet instead of Assyria], surely you will not be established nor will you remain.
This talks about legacy and I think its completely apropos to continue in the same vein. Everyone has a legacy in something. Just the other day I looked at the lineage of mentoring that I'm a part of and it stretches across the country. My mentor's mentor has been mentoring her since 18. She's been mentoring me since 21. I've been mentoring my mentee since she was 18. That's 4 generations. The wisdom that my mentor has benefits my mentee today. Your lineage doesn't have to be family. It can be a lineage of thought but the thing about that is that it has to be sound. Without sound counsel, the chain will be broken. I think about that responsibility often. The same is happening here.
The trust I have in God has to be passed down. It has to be established in me and my wife before it can be established in our children. They have to see that we both rely on and believe God. They need to see us reading the Bible, discussing scripture, praying together, and serving in church. My kids need to know that I really know Him because He is their God too. I'm so thankful I came to know Him for myself, but I want to model that for them diligently. Its also bigger than that. God will do things and put you in places because He knows that 1. you'll go and 2. you'll take His Word with where ever you are. I think God is seeking that in me. I think He's sent me some places and allowed me to do certain things because He wanted something to be said or done for His glory. Listen, use me to do your Will and give me a heart to.
Isaiah 7:11
Ask for yourself a sign (a token or proof) of the Lord your God [one that will convince you that God has spoken and will keep His word]; ask it either in the depth below or in the height above
What did I tell y'all? I love when He sends me a verse establishing something I've believed on and practiced for years. I'm a huge signs person. I am constantly asking God to show me. My biggest one is, "If I'm supposed to do X, make Y happen." When something in my Spirit is unsettled, I'll just ask God "Hey, I'm struggling with this. If I'm supposed to do what I feel, give me confirmation." Now the thing about my confirmation is that usually, like 95% of the time, I ask for a specific confirmation. God wanted me to change my vacation this year and I asked for a specific dream about a specific prayer and by God I surely had it. And the very next day, I changed my vacation. I still don't know why God wanted that but He did and I've found obedience is never out of style. Another thing I do is I'll just ask for a sign if I'm wavering in my faith about His promises. I think because this faith walk is new and the size of the Grand Canyon, He's a little more patient with that. At first I was asking all the time and He reminded me "Do not test the Lord your God" but those times He's confirmed His promises in my heart have grown my faith tremendously. And intermittently now, He'll remind me of His faithfulness. I've also, oh so recently, asked God to show me what you want for me and He's just re-affirmed my assignment and my reality. You know when you're in that place where you don't know what to do? Well I was there and I just sat on the floor and opened my Bible to a random page (yea, that's my thing. There's always a message for me when I do that) and BAM there He was. He said to me "My promises return not void, I've told you your assignment, and its the same until I say different. " <----Faithful.
Isaiah 8:13
The Lord of hosts—regard Him as holy and honor His holy name [by regarding Him as your only hope of safety], and let Him be your fear and let Him be your dread [lest you offend Him by your fear of man and distrust of Him].
Despite the fact that it seems like me and God just chill, and we do, He's still God. There are still things I've got to do decently and in order. The biggest one for me is going before Him and worship. Last night wasn't easy but I got on my knees anyway. Why? Because He is the literal source of hope and safety. In a world that's very unsafe to me, He is my refuge and my strong tower( yes that's from Psalms...AND? David's pen was hot and he was about that life okay!) Its just the truth of my life. When I want to find peace, I go right there because He's always got it for me. He's just waiting for me to seek it and the thing about going is the more you go the more you just go. Instead of having all this extra conversation, I just get on my knees and get myself together. There are a few people I go to, but that's AFTER prayer. Thankfully, I have a prayer practice that keeps me in regular communication with the Father. I probably need to do a better job at seeking Him before I seek others but I trust the God in the others I seek.
Isaiah 8:17
And I will wait for the Lord, Who is hiding His face from the house of Jacob; and I will look for and hope in Him.
Sometimes I've got to seek Him thoroughly. Sometimes, its not instant. Sometimes I've got to worship for an hour before I get to breakthrough. But can I tell you its always there. He's always there. He's ever present and His calendar is blank. No appointment necessary. God wants an exercise of diligent pursuit from me. Everything ain't easy, not because of God but because of me. I have to get out of God's way. I've got to really enter worship and let all that other stuff go. Shaking off that other stuff ain't instant everyday but He's my hope, my peace, and the greatest lover of my soul. Usually, I'm not waiting for Him, He's waiting for me but nevertheless, He's where I'm going.
Isaiah 9:1
But [in the midst of judgment there is the promise and the certainty of the Lord’s deliverance and] there shall be no gloom for her who was in anguish. In the former time [the Lord] brought into contempt the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the latter time He will make it glorious, by the way of the Sea [of Galilee, the land] beyond the Jordan, Galilee of the nations.
Oh a promise. Let me tell you of the Lord's promises. They're real. They're pervasive. They're deep and abiding. They're the future. Quite literally, if you want to know the future, meditate of the promises God has made to you and there you have it! That's the future. His word doesn't return void so....its coming. Its on its way. You might can't see it (intentional grammar choice!) but its just beyond the horizon. He's going to come through. Its just who He is. Just because you're not in a season that looks like the promises He's made, doesn't mean that it isn't what He has for you. How can you appreciate where you will be if you aren't where you are now? That's a hard truth but its critical. Its critical that you were in a space that wasn't lovely, for you to know loveliness. Because I knew the uncertainty of medical school, I now know exactly how comfortable the certainty of God's promise to make me a physician feels. And every time God brings a promise into fruition, it propels me in my faith. It helps me believe ever further, hope ever further, trust even further.
Isaiah 9:3
You [O Lord] have multiplied the nation and increased their joy; they rejoice before You like the joy in harvest, as men rejoice when they divide the spoil [of battle].
Joy. Joy is a funny thing. Its so unlike happiness. Happiness relies on current situations. Its the moment by moment fluctuations of life that are the ingredients in the recipe for happiness. Joy, unlike happiness isn't created but its given. My joy is a gift from above. Its manna from heaven. Why? Because it lets me move through life not given to the moment by moment fluctuations. It puts me on an even keel. You know what it reminds me off. Buffers! Who loves acid-base chemistry? Well not me but I love science and I so wish I'd been smart enough to be a chemist. Any who, the thing about buffers is that they are literally designed to prevent fluctuations in the pH of liquids. A buffer allows you to add a certain amount of base or a certain amount of acid and not change the pH of a given liquid. Now in science, there is a limit to buffering. Buffers can fail because there can be so much base or acid added that buffers can't prevent the change in pH of the original liquid. Bare with me here. Joy is a buffer. It prevents the every day things from largely changing my internal state of being. The gift of joy fro God is that you can handle day to day and weather a storm a little easier. Joy can supersedes circumstance but joy is a buffer. Having it won't always feel like you're weathering the storm. Sometimes it will feel like you're barely making it. That's been true for me. When my joy doesn't feel like joy, I go to the source.
Isaiah 9:6
For to us a Child is born, to us a Son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder, and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father [of Eternity], Prince of Peace.
My literal salvation. Listen...I started re-reading this scripture and my eyes filled with tears. Nothing about who I am would be possible without the Child, this Son that was given. Given is an interesting word because its true. He was given. God knew we couldn't be reconciled another way. He literally gave His Son. Ummm yea....my baby? Y'all better rejoice that I'm not God cause y'all would be SOL bruh. But God is perfectly good and perfectly loving and GAVE His Son. And the kingdom is established in Him. And those names listed for Jesus? Legit. 100% Truth y'all.
Isaiah 9:14
Therefore the Lord will cut off from Israel head and tail [the highest and the lowest]—[high] palm branch and [low] rush in one day;
A lot of things happened to Israel. And you know what I think? I think its because they didn't act right on a consistent basis. Sometimes they wanted to worship God and sometimes they were on that foolishness with idol worship. They were wishy washy. They weren't really about that life as we would say. This whole pericope is about God allowing the full measure of His anger towards His people be felt. I'm so glad I live in the New Testament of all of this cause the anger of God is no small situation. I get desperate when I've worshiped for an hour and I'm still not there. Like I could not DO the anger of God directed at me. Nope. Not this one. I'm not capable. No one is but I know me. I can speak on me. Me can't. I'm so thrilled that Jesus's blood douses me red and makes me white. So.
Thankful.
Any by the way, I'm not in my feelings no more. Jesus will fix it, even if its just my perspective. Love forgives.
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