He Watches Me

I woke up with one thing on my mind. My Love.

Isaiah 10:1

Woe to those [judges] who issue unrighteous decrees, and to the magistrates who keep causing unjust and oppressive decisions to be recorded

Oh Alabama. Must you continue to make yourselves look bad? Why? Why do you want to seem cray? Better yet, why isn't love easy enough to recognize? I see it everyday. I see it all around me. I feel it in the same place where I know who I am and who God is. I know its of God and from God because God is love but because you've twisted and perverted my faith and have decided to live under the law instead of by the Spirit, and because you think grace is only extended to people you in your humanity deem worthy, I can't marry the love of my life? Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah. Miss me with that. I'm going to stand before all the people I love and the God I serve and declare my love her regardless of how you feel and you will issue me a piece of paper stating that she is my wife and I am her wife. Period. I'm so glad that even though I'm Southern, I'm not deeply Southern and the state that I call home will honor my commitment to cherish her and forsaking all others, chase after God and happiness with her. Listen, ain't nobody got time! I've got a wife to marry....

Isaiah 10:13

 For [the Assyrian king] has said, I have done it solely by the power of my own hand and wisdom, for I have insight and understanding. I have removed the boundaries of the peoples and have robbed their treasures; and like a bull I have brought down those who sat on thrones and the inhabitants.

Yea.....nope. Let me tell you what I'm not doing....sitting up here and telling you it was me. It wasn't me when I made that statement in 2008 that caught the attention of my mentor and started that relationship. It wasn't me when despite wanting UNC, God sent me to Nebraska knowing it would be better for me. It wasn't me when LP got big enough to really remember me and I was suddenly moving back to NC and to UNC nonetheless. It wasn't me when I passed my comprehensive exam in 57 minutes to become a PhD Candidate. It wasn't me when I gave department seminar and slayed so good that they congratulated my parents. It wasn't me when I got a stellar MCAT score.  It wasn't me but God when I had to wait a year for medical school. And I know it was Him with some fabulous assists that kept me during my "gap year."It wasn't me when they passed my oral defense. It wasn't me when I fell in love. It wasn't me when I got into the only medical school I interviewed at this year. I know it wasn't me. Me ain't able. God and me.....well mostly God....we slay!

Isaiah 10:21

A remnant will return [Shear-jashub, name of Isaiah’s son], a remnant of Jacob, to the mighty God

A remnant is coming. People are returning to Almighty God. People are coming to know Him for themselves and I think that's so powerful. There's nothing that compares to knowing Him for yourself. Say what you want to me, I know my God and I know what He says to my Spirit. I know what agrees with me in the core of truth He's built into me. I love being able to seek Him for myself. I  love the Word and the discernment I've been given. I love that there's always something for me in the Word and that He's given me the ability to understand what is for me. Relationship with Him is the linchpin of my existence. It makes me me.

Isaiah 11:1

And there shall come forth a Shoot out of the stock of Jesse [David’s father], and a Branch out of his roots shall grow and bear fruit.

There's life where you can't see it. The imagery of a root talks to me about the deep places. The places so few people have access to in others. One person has ever been to those places with me, ever known me that intimately. In those places, in the stuff that makes us who we are, we can transform. We can grow anew. There's light in the deepest places within us. I've never had quite this profound a relationship with God but when I tell you clinging to Him will change you? When He's your only hope and refuge, you'll learn  something about faith and trusting. The result? Fruit. Fruit that you've never seen in your life. I've got a spirit of patience that has never been a part of my life. I've got a capacity to love that blows me away sometimes. The only explanation is God. The catalysis: Crisis that led to deeper relationship. Because its not me. Its soooooo not me. I'm not patient, but a God who will wait for you to seek Him? Patient. I may love but sacrificially and without end? Nope. Jesus on the cross? Love. He changed me, for the better. He's purifying me in the fire for a destiny I can only imagine. The things I already know are far beyond anything I'll ever be qualified for but He writes the CV, not me.

Isaiah 11:2-3

And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon Him—the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and of the reverential andobedient fear of the Lord—

And shall make Him of quick understanding, and His delight shall be in the reverentialand obedient fear of the Lord. And He shall not judge by the sight of His eyes, neither decide by the hearing of His ears


This was legit on the next page of my bible. So.... yea. Remember I say that about how He was changing me to be better. Yea...that's the Spirit of the Lord resting on me. I wouldn't have said it like that but Isaiah did and I'm going to go with that. Nothing makes me happier than knowing I'm doing exactly what God would have me to do. And see, I don't always know. I check in so regularly you'd think I was crazy if I spoke out loud. But the check in is right there, its "move a little to left" or "no don't say that say this." Its subtle but it matters. I need wise counsel and I seek it before I move. You know what I've been learning though? If you've got some instructions without an end date, then that's still where you are. You're still in the place where those instructions are your instructions for the day. Just because you haven't heard a reminder, doesn't mean you're done. God doesn't leave you instruction less. Go back to where you heard Him last and do that and when He doesn't want you to do that anymore He'll let you know. And another thing....He's good for a reminder. Even when you aren't seeking one, even when your doubting or your shakiness is so small you don't recognize it, He does. He's got you. He's got a fresh outpouring of grace for you and a reminder. Lord knows, I love a reminder.  The thing I loved about the 3rd verse was the part about not judging with eyes or deciding with ears. Discernment is beautiful. Knowing the truth of what God has spoken to you and walking that out despite the opinions or beliefs of someone else is like a tight rope. Don't look down, look at God. Don't look at what's surrounding you, look to God. It matters not what natural sees because if it is true in the Spirit it will be true in the flesh.

Isaiah 11:5

And righteousness shall be the girdle of His waist and faithfulness the girdle of His loins.

This whole pericope is about Jesus. But what I love is that as sons and daughters of God, we are called to be like Jesus. We will fail, but we are to strive for righteousness and our human efforts will be made perfect when joined with faith in an almighty and holy God. He's faithful. If you step out and try, I promise He'll meet you exactly where you are. He did it for me. When I couldn't even pretend to strive for righteousness, He said just seek me and I'll do it. Y'all, He's faithful.

Isaiah 11:10

And it shall be in that day that the Root of Jesse shall stand as a signal for the peoples; of Him shall the nations inquire and seek knowledge, and His dwelling shall be glory

 Jesus is the way. He's the only way. He gives me the ability to seek my God and have a relationship with me. When I tell you I seek and inquire? I love school but I ask God so many questions you'd think He was my PhD advisor. My job is literally to ask questions. So let me tell you,  I ask God an awful lot. The thing about asking is I have to wait. I have to wait for an answer. And in the waiting, I can't move ahead. I can't ask God what He thinks and then bust on out and do what I want to do. What was the point of asking an all-knowing and all-wise Father for guidance if I'm just going to do what I want? Can I tell you its beautiful to follow? Can I tell you submission will change your life? It is and it will.

Isaiah 12:1

And in that day you will say, I will give thanks to You, O Lord; for though You were angry with me, Your anger has turned away, and You comfort me.

When I wasn't getting into medical school I thought I was doing Jesus wrong. Not because I didn't know how to be in relationship, but because this desire to go to med school which had disappeared was  the only coherent thought I could think. It was the only desire of my heart at that point and it wasn't happening. I definitely felt that "Is God mad at me? Is this a punishment?" I now know that that wasn't the case at all. And when I tell you even in the space where I thought I was being punished, I only clung closer. He was my only hope. He was the only place I could go. When I woke up every morning with tears in my eyes and laid in the bed and watched Netflix, neglecting my job and all my responsibilities including feeding myself, He was there. When I was less capable than I've ever been in my adulthood, He kept me. I think people think you can't be mad at God and still go to Him. I tell God the truth all the time. The other night I wasn't happy and I just said so at the beginning of my prayers. Can I tell you there is no such thing as news to God? He knows but He wants you to tell Him. Just like a parent knows you messed up the kitchen, He knows you're mad or sad or glad or whatever. Just tell Him.

Isaiah 12:2

Behold, God, my salvation! I will trust and not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and song; yes, He has become my salvation.

Trust. Oh Great Jehovah, is trust a muscle that has to be worked so regularly. I have to work it out regularly because what it looks like in the flesh doesn't make it true in the Spirit. And what is true in the Spirit may not be in the flesh yet, but fear not. I know I say fear not but I fear sometimes. I fear often. But this relationship makes my fear its footstool. I know Him. I know God will, God can, God does, and God is. I know better. Everyone doing this thing with Him slips. I sure do. But the key is to remind yourself. I go right back to Psalms and remind myself of who God is and that His words never return void. But working that trust muscle isn't easy. It isn't comfortable. It requires faith that you can't always muster but God will show up and show out and when He does?!?!?! I'm tell you, I didn't always trust but my trust muscle is growing. Each and every day.

Isaiah 12:3

Therefore with joy will you draw water from the wells of salvation.

 Inside my tiny human heart is a place where God lives. And in that place there's a well that never empties. Even when I'm not capable, He is. Even when I don't want to, He does. Even when I won't, He will. The indwelling of the Spirit is such a powerful truth of Christianity. There's a place in me that knows what's true and what's right. Its Him. He is my joy and my hope.

Isaiah 12:6

Cry aloud and shout joyfully, you women and inhabitants of Zion, for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel.

I'm a woman. I'm a child of God. and Yes, He is in the midst. He's with me always and because He is, I can be joyful. Even when I'm not happy, I can have joy. Joy is not a circumstantial situation. It is so much more profound than that. I wrote about it yesterday. I'm so thankful for His presence in my life. Sometimes its like when you know your parent is watching from the side of the stage and if anything happens they got you! Or when you're standing before a crowded room giving a seminar with your mentor in the back. Nothing feels like knowing you're capable because He is. Nothing feels like His love and His devotion and His kindness and His faithfulness and His mercy. Nothing feels like God and nothing ever will. I'm so glad I know Him.