Psalm 144:2
My Steadfast Love and my Fortress, my High Tower and my Deliverer, my Shield and He in Whom I trust and take refuge, Who subdues my people under me.
I've loved Psalms because its told me so much about my God. Its also given me so much more scripture to pray through. My confidence in who He is is so much greater due to this study. I'm naturally a very scared person. I'm terrified that people are going to leave me. That started when I was about 10 and I lost my great aunt. I'd been to family funerals before but I knew her. I went to her house for Thanksgiving every year. I memorized the preamble to the constitution on the way to her house. Her death taught me that I could lose people. I'm also afraid I'm not good enough to remain in relationship with. I'm not actually the person you see. The person you see is fortified by Jesus. I'm literally standing on His promises and who He is. He is the one I trust and take refuge in because I know He won't ever leave me. He never has. I function as the person you know because of Him.
Psalm 144:3
Lord, what is man that You take notice of him? Or [the] son of man that You take account of him?
I'm not worthy. I'll never be worthy. I'll never be good enough. BUT GOD! He loves me and considers me and thinks of me and is jealous for me. The knowledge that He's done so much so that this relationship could be what it is and deepen throughout my years on earth is mind boggling. God knew when He created Adam that one day He'd have to give Jesus to redeem His creation and He still made us! Phil would have had no part of that. I've got two boys in my life and y'all would be completely out of luck if I had to give one of them for y'all. Its a no. God knew exactly what would happen and He made us anyway. He knew we'd be disconnected from Him and that it would be the exact opposite of what He wanted. He knew I'd mess up over and over and He still said yes. Yes, I want her. Yes, I love her. Yes, she's mine. Yes, she's beloved. Yes, I just want her to desire me. Yes. He kept saying yes.
Psalm 144:7-8
Stretch forth Your hand from above; rescue me and deliver me out of great waters, from the hands of hostile aliens (tribes around us)
Whose mouths speak deceit and whose right hands are right hands [raised in taking] fraudulent oaths.
He delivers me daily. Its not the big things all the time. Sometimes He delivers me from traffic on my drive to UNC and when I tell you that is a blessing!?!?!? He knows my patience threshold for traffic ain't high. He knows I struggle. He also knows that worshiping Him takes me out of my situation and into His presence and I can do just about anything with the accompaniment of gospel music. But sometimes its the big things. UNC wasn't where I needed to be at the beginning of my graduate career. Morehouse wasn't what He had for me. In those moments, I didn't feel rescued at all. I felt like I was drowning but He only has plans to prosper me. See that's the thing you have to remember and I'm not good at it either but I'm working on it. Its perspective. Its remembering who He is even when what's happening doesn't feel good. I think about all those people who told me things and didn't follow through and I realize that was a blessing. The guy that wanted me so badly in his lab but has 4 hr lab meetings every week? NO SIR! God knew I couldn't do that. When I think about the situations I could have been in, the people I could have been surrounded by, the people who would have determined if I was a PhD, I can only think but God but God but God.
Psalm 145:2-3
Every day [with its new reasons] will I bless You [affectionately and gratefully praise You]; yes, I will praise Your name forever and ever.
Great is the Lord and highly to be praised; and His greatness is [so vast and deep as to be] unsearchable.
Every day. Each and every one. I'm so grateful for each one and I'm so humbled to wake up knowing you've still got it. God is still in control. I'm still His beloved. He's still jealous for my heart. I'm still seeking His face. I've so enjoyed fasting from secular music, not only because it centers my mind on Him, but because now I listen to gospel first thing every day and its an amazing mood setter for the day. I use to listen to it on the way to school so that's sort of morning but now its top of the morning. He deserves the first fruit of my lips. When I think of how big my God is....I'm so very overwhelmed. He just is. He is. He is for each and every person. I can't even do that for one person and He is for everyone. He is for me. Just taking care of me is a real job and He's got it. He's got me.
Psalm 145:8
The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and abounding in mercy and loving-kindness.
Oh how I need him to be abounding in mercy. I'm His creation but I've definitely wanted to destroy myself. I've definitely been what I call self destruction but honestly, I was just committing vandalism. I don't belong to myself but to Him and in the midst of all my crazy, He kept me. And not only did He keep me, He blessed me despite what I've done. Despite the ways I've been less than awesome to myself. He loves me more than I love myself but He also enables me to love me better. The more clearly I see myself the way He sees me, the more accurate portrait I have of myself. I got a tattoo on my leg that say infinite Grace because grace is the running theme in my life. The Lord is grace personified. In every situation I've ever been in, He's been gracious. When I'm come up short, He's done the rest. And I come up short often. Its verses like these that comfort my soul because God has shown Himself to be exactly who He says He is in the Word.
Psalm 145:18
The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him sincerely and in truth.
I have to go before Him . I have to go before Him each and every day. And I don't mean in my little prayers and conversation throughout the day. I mean on my knees. I mean totally legit, worship music in the background optional but preferred :-) I call upon Him each and everyday because I need Him. I also know that even though He knows the desires of my heart even more accurately than I do, I need to ask. I need to tell Him what I want and I also need to surrender. I may want something but I surrender each and every time I'm on my knees. How? The phrase "if it be your will." Its sometimes the hardest thing to say because sometimes it requires a Grand Canyon sized leap of faith to say "I know whatever you have or me and however you do it will be best even though it may not be exactly what I wanted or prayed for. Even though it might hurt, its working for my good." Its the only place I know I won't get hurt for telling the truth. I've got to call on Him because He's the only peace I know.
Psalm 145:19
He will fulfill the desires of those who reverently and worshipfully fear Him; He also will hear their cry and will save them.
If it be thy will, please fulfill the desires of my heart. And Lord the things I didn't desire but you've told me are your will for me, help me to walk into that fully and completely with grace. I know all things will work in my favor. Give me peace in the waiting. Help me to do your will and to desire it. You've given me a heart to seek after you and what you have for me. You've given me depth and devotion in this relationship. Continue to give me capacity for Godly love that even astounds me and makes me ever aware of the fact that its you and not me. You've been so good to me. Give me a tenacity to chase after you all the days of my life.
Psalm 146:2
While I live will I praise the Lord; I will sing praises to my God while I have any being.
All my life, I want to chase after the heart of God. I want people to say "She really knew Him and believed Him. She was a phenomenal wife and mother. She gave everything she could in the classroom and the hospital. She was blessing to her family. She covered them with prayer and led her family with grace and dignity. Her marriage blessed me." All of that starts with living a life of praise until God.
Psalm 146:5-7
Happy (blessed, fortunate, enviable) is he who has the God of [special revelation to] Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God,
Who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, Who keeps truth and is faithful forever,
Who executes justice for the oppressed, Who gives food to the hungry. The Lord sets free the prisoners,
Listen....I've never been happier than when my hope has been in God alone. Hope placed elsewhere is ill-placed. That's the bottom line. There is no safe place to hope but in Jesus. And because He is a refuge, placing your hope there will only result in its safety. You see hope is a tricky thing. Hope propels people each and every day but others can steal your hope if you aren't careful. They don't mean to but something as simple as a phrase like "You'll never be a doctor" can steal, kill, and destroy. One I've heard all my life is that if I don't lose weight, no one will marry me. That could have stolen my hope but the Lord, in whom I've placed my hope, has given me a heart for marriage and told me what He wants from the marriage He will give me. If my hope wasn't carefully placed and guarded by my Father, I could have lost the faith for what He has told me. Because He said it and His word never returns void and because my hope is only in Him, I know better. Everyone isn't there though so be careful with your words. Robbing someone of their hope is an awful thing to do.
God is too big to be boxed in. He'd have to make His own box. You can't do it so stop trying to tell God what He can do or what He will do and trust Him. He's faithful. Even when His answers are no, He's faithful because there's better for you. I know its hard to hear. It was hard for me to hear. It was hard for me to walk in. But the thing about faith is the more you exercise it the better you are at engaging it. The more I walk by faith and the more I learn about who God is, I'm better able to stand on the truth and ignore what it looks like. Believing God can often mean not letting what it looks like effect what you know God has told you or what He's put on your heart. <---My current spiritual situation! Don't let anyone tell you what your God has for you. Seek Him for yourself. I don't let what anyone thinks inform me about my God. That's a no. I've got my own relationship and its served me very well thanks. If you're hungry for Him, He won't let you leave wanting. I usually come away on the verge of getting spiritual itis. God will handle you okay! Whatever you need, He's got it. He's had it for me.
Psalm 146:9
The Lord protects and preserves the strangers and temporary residents, He upholds the fatherless and the widow and sets them upright, but the way of the wicked He makes crooked (turns upside down and brings to ruin).
God's got everyone. No one is outside His purview. I think about a special someone who I'm concerned might end up fatherless and I know that God is able. God's able to meet every need and want despite the fact that that was someone's role. Even if you're fatherless or without a spouse, God can be those things for you. I love my Daddy and I haven't had to walk out fatherlessness, but I know God it be able. I know He can and He will and He does. I'm so unconcerned about this baby having a father because God. Literally because God. That's the whole game. And the person who was supposed to do that, the person who was supposed to be that father, He'll be the one to lose out if He doesn't figure out how to get with the program and get in tune with God the father who will make Him capable of being a good father. No one is left lacking that belongs to the Father through the Son. No man, woman, boy or girl is left behind in Christ Jesus.
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