Isaiah 18:4
For thus the Lord has said to me: I will be still and I will look on from My dwelling place, like clear and glowing heat in sunshine, like a fine cloud of mist in the heat of harvest.
Let me tell you about the indwelling of the spirit in me. He is my hope. He is yet keeping me in this season. The the reality of who I am sinking in for my parents, I'm so glad God has found a dwelling place within me. I'm so thankful I can stand in the beauty of my relationship with Him. His love is unconditional. His love is everlasting. Even if people put conditions on loving you, He doesn't. He has accepted me completely and fully, knowing exactly who I am because that's who He made me to be.
When I think back on all those years I spent telling people I hated sex and I didn't want anything to do with it and boasting on my celibacy, I had no idea I was being shackled by heterosexuality. I was being forced into a box by myself. I thought I was supposed to date and love boys. But I didn't. I didn't want to. I didn't want to be alone though either. So I dated boys but my heart never loved them the way I loved women. My desperate desire not to be alone and to overcome the fact that I'd always been told something was wrong with me and that no one would love me anyway....I wanted to pore that last part wrong. My body has basically always refused.
But when I think about how my life has opened up because I know who I am and God has affirmed that in me, I can't help but smile, despite the current situation. I've always been able to access Him and had a relationship but the indwelling is different. Yes God dwells in the heavens but He also dwells in me as the Spirit. Its like when I stopped lying about who I am and what I wanted and He actually okayed the capacity to love the way I'm supposed to, I could more deeply receive Him into my person. I think in some ways, showing up in my relationship with God without authenticity hindered me. I still remember praying those prayers and being like "God this is how I feel. This is what's real for me. Is this okay? Can I love her completely?" and He was like "Welcome to who you are beloved."
Isaiah 19:12
Where then are your wise men? Let them tell you now [if they are so wise], and let them make known what the Lord of hosts has purposed against Egypt [if they can].
Wisdom comes from God. He so richly blessed Solomon because Solomon asked to be wise so he could appropriately lead God's people. That type of request so honored God that He blessed Solomon in all areas (until Solomon started acting up!). In this pericope these people that are deemed wise aren't and haven't been given anything from on High. I think about the wisdom I seek and I've found that seeking wisdom from people who's Jesus doesn't agree with mine isn't the move. Basically, if I talk to someone and they either 1. don't know what I'm talking about, 2. have a negative reaction, or 3. don't respond in faith then its a no. Its a big fat no. Why? Because I trust the God in me. And learning that everyone isn't where God is sending you is crucial.
Fruit is also important. I look at the fruit in certain people's lives through the Spirit and I know some things. But the most important part of it is knowing that you know God and that those whispers and nudgings are Him in you.
Isaiah 19:19-20
In that day there will be an altar to the Lord in the midst of the land of Egypt, and a pillar to the Lord at its border.
And it will be a sign and a witness to the Lord of hosts in the land of Egypt; for they will cry to the Lord because of oppressors, and He will send them a savior, even a mighty one, and he will deliver them.
When I think about where I'm my life there is an altar to the Lord, I think of my heart. There's a God shaped space that there He rests quite comfortably in. Its the only reason I'm able to abide some of the things happening around me. I think about having a heart that seeks after Him and loves Him and I'm so thankful for the desire. I know what its like to want to want Him but to actually want Him is a whole 'nother level of relationship. The funny thing about it is the devotion I feel towards Him is profound and all encompassing but it isn't oppressive. Its like walking on a cloud or something. Its but weighty and light. Its the greatest hope of my life. He's made me so glad.
And when I tell you I've cried out to God? Listen....sometimes all I've done is cry. Can I tell you He's faithful? Can I tell you He'll bring you out? Can I tell you trust Him? All of those aren't trivial. They all take relationship. They all take exercise of that faith muscle. They all take more than you think you have but God's will is never impossible. Wait on Him. What He has is better than you can conceive of.
Isaiah 19:22
And the Lord shall smite Egypt, smiting and healing it; and they will return to the Lord, and He will listen to their entreaties and heal them.
So before Christ, when the people were wrong God would smite them and they'd return to Him and He'd fix them back up. Let me tell you about how I soooooooo needed to be born after Christ. I needed a full, perfect, and sufficient sacrifice for my junk because being smote ain't my thing. No seriously, I'm so desperately in need of the grace and tender mercy afforded to me by the blood of the Lamb. Jesus is all the world to me.
I love what God did in this. He's retaliation was proportionate. As they rebelled He let calamity strike and sometimes started it but as they learned and repented, He was right there. He loved them. He just wanted them to do right.
Have you ever considered that the struggle is allowed or even created so He can bring you out? That your struggle is ordained? Well, some of mine have been. And the come out....the break through? All God. What did I do? Cling desperately to the Word and accept help from people who offered and where safe. Remember that part about people's Jesus agreeing with yours and the non-spiritual part of that is people's mindset agreeing with yours? Yea we've got to touch and agree before you're safe but if you are then yes, I'll let you help me. And He'll send you people. He sent me a few. Those people who pass your path or randomly reach out to you? Those are your people candidates. I've got some permanent folks but you've got to have them. He's going to bring you out. It may not be easy, but its possible. I was and am better after the fire.
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