I'm Clear

Its March 1. Another first Sunday is upon us so that means Communion. We're going to remember the death and passion of Jesus Christ today. We're going to commemorate the sacrifice required for this relationship to exist. I'm so humbled by the fact that God wanted to be present with me bad enough to take His presence from His son? Think about that....if God took His presence from me now I'd be completely lost. Completely. And I'm sure that Jesus felt that loss tremendously as it is recorded in the Word. I'm also so awestruck that Jesus stayed on the cross. Jesus is God. He could have come down, He could have been like NOPE! Jesus was obedient even unto the end to the Father. Even unto the end.

Psalm 126:2

Then were our mouths filled with laughter, and our tongues with singing. Then they said among the nations, The Lord has done great things for them.

I will rejoice in the Lord. Its rare that I really laugh in the presence of God. Its rare but its kind of magical. To look at the text of a book written so long ago that tells me so much about who my God is and have Him use it to specifically make me laugh? Its supernatural. He's done it recently....probably for the first time so that's is very apropos. I love Him, even when its hard. Now y'all know I love to worship. I love to be in the presence of God and to sing His praises. I do it all the time. Its like looking at a box that holds all the types of weather and saying "I want sunshine" and it literally appears. Now thatIs not to say that all worship, for me, is like that. There are definite worship experiences between me and God that are very much about clinging to the cross or drowning in His presence because its the only help I know. What I do know is, if I'm willing to give a sacrifice of praise, He'll give me peace. And that's a small piece of why I love Him.

Psalm 126:5

They who sow in tears shall reap in joy and singing.

This is me. This is exactly where I've been multiple times. Crying is a thing for me. I've sowed so many tears that I'm so uplifted by this verse. I've sowed some in the last 12 hours and in the last week. Apparently, I've got a harvest of joy coming. Come on with it Jesus!

Psalm 127:3

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

Yup....this is what I want. I can't wait to do this actually. One of the most interesting things God has done in me from long long ago before I knew exactly how God has made me to love was that I wanted to experience having a baby from the outside. By that I mean, I want to walk through pregnancy with another woman and not just as a physician. I've always wanted to be the one in the birthing tub supporting the pregnant woman with a much deeper connection to that woman and baby than a doula. I wanted that connection to matter. At a younger time in my life, I could put my finger on what that was but now I know that that woman, laboring in the tub and looking to me for support, is my wife. She's my everything. Its amazing how God will put something on your heart and leave it there and eventually show you exactly what it means. I didn't know anything so many years ago and I'm so thankful to know now.

Psalm 128:3

Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the innermost parts of your house; your children shall be like olive plants round about your table.

This passage made me burst out in laughter. I literally laid over in the bed chuckling. This is the first clear time I laughed because God was like "This is for you. This is your wife." iHollered. Nothing in my life looks like this. Not a single thing. But what do we say? God is. God can. God will, God does. So apparently, He just wanted to send me some reassurance.  I wasn't wavering in my belief but I wasn't really feeling that great in it and then this verse. This thing that I've wanted all my life just dropped in my life. I love babies and I spend my days watching one. I so want to look out across my dinner table while holding my wife's hand, and see the little people we made together. I'm thinking 4 and a possible.

Psalm 128:4

Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord.

I wanted to separate these verses and I love this too. I love the idea that giving the Lord His due respect and worship is rewarded. God is looking for those who honor and revere Him and live righteously. I just want to be blessed with whatever He wants for me. I'm so glad the children verse aligns with who I am and who I've been for so long but if He wasn't going to bless me in this way, I hope I know God so well as to know that would also be what's best for me. Sometimes I forget that the thing I want or pray for may not be the thing that's for me. That's a hard walk. Its been hard for me, especially when I've been giving good effort in my walk with the Lord. Thankfully God doesn't bless us according to what we ask, but according to His great wisdom. Its hard but it's better.

Psalm 130: 1-2

Out of the depths have I cried to You, O Lord.

Lord, hear my voice; let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications.

This isn't every day. Every day I talk to Him but some days, its a cry. Recently its been a cry. At a certain point, some things hurt me so badly that I have to do something and that something is usually with God. When I'm confused, that's where crying out happens. I'm so thankful that He hears me and in the place in the middle of who I am, He'll be like "Get on your knees, you'll feel better." And that's always true. I always find me peace, right there on my knees. 

Psalm 130:4

But there is forgiveness with You [just what man needs], that You may be reverently feared and worshiped.

He's constantly offering fresh mercy. Its like bread coming out of the oven all the time. Forgiveness is always available. And the thing I have to be conscious of is that if He's forgiving the things I've done, I need to be forgiving myself too. Its me that separates me from God. Its the remembrance of my sins that makes me ashamed when that's not of God. Its so important to remember that shame and doubt aren't of God. That's not Him. I go back to the Word in that because its true and it will remind me not only of how God sees me but how I should see myself.

Psalm 130:5

I wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His word do I hope.

Oh waiting. I've learned some hard truths in the waiting. I'm learning one right now. Everyone has a promise from God. Every one has something they are waiting on the Lord to do. I surely do. But the thing I'm learning is that you can't be in front of God trying to bring your promise into reality. I tried that with medical school and it didn't work with the constant calling and everything. Even the trying to move among people who know people. None of that worked. And when I waited and let God do what He was going to do, it wasn't easy but it was the exact middle of His will and I got so much joy out of knowing it was Him and this is what He had for me. I'm trying to walk that out in a much bigger way right now and there's emotions and feelings tied up in that but the truth is, you can't be in front of what God is doing. In His word, written and spoken to my heart, do I hope.