Friday, December 26, 2014

I was wrong....

I was very wrong for a very long time about something and its time I owned that and apologized.

For YEARS I thought heterosexuals were crazy. I thought they were certifiable.



Why?

Because often times they were derailing their lives with babies. Yes babies.

I love babies as you know but there are less than ideal situations in which to bring them.

I kept saying

"Why can't y'all just not have sex?"
"I just don't understand why you'd continue to participate in an activity YOU KNOW results in babies if you can't afford one?"
"What the devil is wrong with y'all?"
"Why don't y'all have any self control?!?!"

And now, I'd like to apologize.

I'm sorry. 
I'm very very sorry.

Because now, I get it. I totally get it. I understand what its like to look across the room and be like "Great day in the morning!" I say the same thing when I think of a certain someone. Mere THOUGHT!

You see....I always assumed I was heterosexual. I just defaulted to it. And since I could and have felt deep feelings for boys I assumed that my complete disinterest in them physically was just me being "extra holy."
You see I am a church girl.
A really good one.
And I always thought to myself "When I find a husband, I'll have sex with him because I'm supposed to. I'll do it 3 days a week even if I don't want to because I want to keep him."
You see that?
That's not right.
You're supposed to want to do those things with your spouse.
 This was also a symptom.
I wanted companionship...I didn't necessarily want him.

And when I look back over the years I see that. I was desperate for the companionship. For  commitment. And I wanted to be married, I assumed to a man, because I wanted forever with someone even if this one area of our lives (sex) was something I wanted to do about as much as I wanted to wash dishes by hand. (my friends know hand washing dishes is NOT a thing I do.)

Lets just....not.


And then.....
I came to really realize that you don't have to have any of those things with a guy. You can, in fact, have all of that with a girl. Plus, I'm actually interested in having those things with a girl AND having an intimate relationship with her.  <-----THIS was the thing I'd been missing!



So now I get the desire for intimacy of a sexual nature because I've finally found my own. I thought y'all heteros had no self control, but now I know its literally a fire within. One that is sometimes hard to control.


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Lessons from Frozen

Love is an open door.

#VisibilityMatters

Everyone is a bit of a fixer up.

No one is perfect but that doesn't mean they aren't worth your effort, your time, or your love.

You can't change someone because people don't really change. Love's a force as powerful and strange.

You can't change anyone but your love for them can make them want to be better.

True love brings out the best in all of us.

We try to give a perfect effort for those we love. 

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Feelings aren't Facts

My love said it.

My mentor said it.

They said it differently, but they both said it.

Separate feelings from facts. Your thinking is bad.

The both said it. That must make it true.



I may feel like a failure but that isn't a fact.



Its back in.....

High and rare form!

Imposter Syndrome is nothing to play with.

Imposter Syndrome is not a game. It is my lived reality.

Yesterday I was told by a medical school that my application decision is on hold.

That's failure. <---That's what this feels like.

I realize that this is because I have this thing...this thing that tells me that perfection is the standard and anything that isn't that is a reflection on me.  Anything that isn't perfection is more evidence that I am not good enough.

Everyone said last year it was my score. Now my score is great. And still this result. <----My mind says "See it wasn't the score. It was you. You're the problem. You're not good enough."

I live with a perpetual soundtrack that tells me "You're not good enough" and I work really hard to keep that volume on low but sometimes...

Times like yesterday...

Its turned all the way up.

Its a battle, and sometimes, it still wins.

::Calls Mentor::


Thursday, December 18, 2014

I heard a word...

Y'all just don't know...

The very bright, the brilliant are susceptible to a crippling fear: failure.
Academics are grueling and when you're bright, you believe that they aren't supposed to be. When you've been smart all your life you're unaccustomed to facing academic challenges.

And then one comes along.

And it puts you in the bed. Literally.

Why? Because your expectation is to perform brilliantly at all times. Or at least mine is.

Truth? I'm about to tell y'all some.

Somewhere something happened for me that said "What you do is WHO you are."

I'm not afraid I actually won't do enough. You know why?

I work. Not like I go to my job and work. But I work until I'm physically unable to work any more.

I've only be drunk from alcohol twice. But I have been so tired that I might as well have been drunk in the lab. I have stumbled over stuff, fallen into walls, and used walls to literally keep me upright. Why?
Because I had so little energy that what I did have had to be routed to my brain so that I can accurately do my job or my hands to execute the job. I have worked until I couldn't quite feel my hands. <---Hands or thumbs going numb is the point at which my days have to end. Otherwise your experiments will be messed up. That's nuts...but its how I've lived.

When do I stop confocalling? (laser scanning confocal microscope requires the utmost in ocular precision and it drains your eyes like none other)  When I can no longer focus my eyes. That's when I get in my car and DRIVE 80 miles home. Safe? I think NOT!

But I've done it.

I've had DMSO running down my arms because I needed the data.
(DMSO is toxic and can get into your blood stream through your skin)

I've been sprayed in the face with acid and stayed right there in the lab because I needed the data.
(acid....is acid.)

And y'all I'm not that dedicated. Its not about the work for me. Its about me for me.

I'm not afraid I won't do enough.

I'm afraid I won't be enough. 

I'm afraid I'm not enough. 

Its about who I am.

I'm afraid not only that you will find out that I'm not enough but that's actually true.

I'm trying to prove to myself that I'm enough.

Do you see how that kind of burden could be insane for someone? Its serious.  It's a weight that you can't explain. It's why not getting into med school last year nearly killed me.

It felt like proof that I wasn't enough.  The thing I'd be working so hard to make false was true. The failure I'd been killing myself to avoid being crushed by landed squarely on my head.

This thing I've just described is called Imposter Syndrome.
I have it.
I have it deeply in my spirit.
My mentor gave it a name.
My Love loved me through on of the toughest battles I've ever fought against it.

And now....now I'm working on believing I'm enough within myself.












Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Blindsided

So I cry fairly often but its not always because I'm sad. I don't know what it is about deeply sexual music but nothing causes my eyes to water faster than music about sex.

I benignly downloaded a few songs from TI and I was hit with

"Take it off girl. Bend over, let me see it."

Had me like....

on my commute this morning.

TI and Breezy slayed this AM and I was completely unprepared. 

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I dreamed a dream

Long before I could label anything in my life I knew that my backup plan was more like my primary plan. Lots of girls had these "If we don't get married, we'll just have babies by ourselves and raise them together" plans. I actually have one with some of my friends. But you see, having that plan was always my primary plan even though my friends and I discussed it as an "if, then" situation.

Years before I connected the dots I asked a close friend what she thought of the following....

How would you feel about living together and having kids, each of us having some, and raising them together if we don't get married? We would be committed to our family and what we're doing and faithful, though we wouldn't be having sex with others, and have someone else in our kids lives of equal importance who cared about them and watched them grow up and was excited about them being conceived and all of that. What do you think of that?

Do y'all see what I just described? Essentially living in a woman-led household with two moms without the sex.  I was at the point, willing to forego sex for the commitment and loyalty of such a union. I wanted that kind of commitment with a girl.

And my friend said "Well I want the whole package. I want the sex too."

And we left it there but this was one of the first inklings that I wasn't straight.

I dreamed a dream of a house led by two women, committed to their kids and their family, vacationing together, caring for each other, being there for each other and walking out this thing called life. I dreamed the dream lesbians dream, about what could be. I just didn't know that's what the dream I was dreaming was called.

And now I do.
Now I dream that dream out loud.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Its mine though....

Getting my PhD was strange.

It very much felt like walking into what was mine.

When I graduated for Hampton it all seemed magically. I just went to class, did my work, and for some reason that resulted in getting a piece of paper that means so much to so many. Additionally, it didn't challenge me that much to achieve in undergrad.

Graduate school isn't like that.

As my mentor says "If you were just supposed to have it we'd give it to you at the end of the BS. You gonna earn this PhD."



And that is the literal unfiltered truth.

You earn your PhD.

By the time I got mine, I definitely felt almost like it was owed to me.
It was mine to have.
I walked into my reality.
I already felt like a PhD, but I needed the approval of people with PhDs to get it.

That's the funny thing about PhDs. They are only as valuable as the people giving you yours because its subjective. Yes, you take classes and tests and get grades but there are two things that matter: your candidacy and your defense. 

Your candidacy is when you actually become a PhD candidate. Before that you're just a graduate student and there is no guarantee you'll ever get a PhD. Until you are a candidate, you're nothing. Once you're a candidate, that means they will let you attempt to get a PhD. You still aren't necessarily getting one. Believe THAT!

Candidacy is adjudicated by your graduate committee in my program and that is where PhDs decide whether or not they think you are capable of becoming one of them. They take into consideration your grades but its mostly based on your ability to research something you don't actually work on and present it to your committee in grant format. Your grant is judged and you also have to orally defend it. If you pass you are now eligible to eventually defend your dissertation and earn a PhD.

This entire process is kept to high standards because the people judging you are literally deciding if you are capable of being them. They are looking at your work and determining if they would be willing to give you their degree. That's what happens when a PhD is given. A group of PhDs decide you are their equal and they give you a PhD.  Obviously you earned that PhD, but the standard of what a PhD is maintained but the people with PhDs are deciding whether or not you are their equal. They literally give their degree to you by giving you a PhD.

Its a big deal.

Even though it is a big deal....huge actually, I felt it was mine. It was. It is.




I defended publicly for 1 hour and then 2.5 hours privately for my committee. They then deliberated while I wasn't in the room and then decided that I am one of them. 

I passed, unanimously. 5 male PhDs decided this lady is one of them. 

PhD with a beat face!

What I wore!

I did NOT defend in Uggs but I did wear the hell out of this dress. I wanted my defense outfit to say sexy and brilliant and it said just that!

My sister, my Daddy, and My Love on my right hand.

Time and my doctoral ring on my left!



It feels so good to be a PhD but it feels like its been mine for at least 6 months.  Honestly, when my committee said they thought I could sit for my defense, I knew I had this PhD. That's when I really knew. I've been walking in that reality since April.

I just needed them to say it.

I caught up to my destiny, she took my hand, and she said "Hey girl, I've been waiting on you!"






Friday, December 12, 2014

Evenings with my boy

Nothing else grabs my heart like "Lise, will you play with me?"

Nothing else moves me like hearing him say "Lise" when his mom asks what he's thankful for in his prayers.


This boy has me hook, line, and sinker.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

She called me

"Dr."

My mentor, who I've loved up close and from afar, called me Dr. today.

Then she stepped back from the mic and clapped.

For me!

Then she asked "And what are you going to do next?"

I said "I'm going to medical school."

And she said to the crowd "Y'all don't have to do that but that's what she's doing. Medical School. AFTER a PhD. That's for the special few."

They clapped again.

But all I really remember was the way she stepped back and clapped for me.



Saturday, December 6, 2014

Yet again....

See... the problem is you're trying to compare your censored relationship with me to ones that are completely open and honest.

You haven't really seen what they look like but you assume they're better than yours.

Ever considered focusing on how you treat me as a way to make our relationship better? No.

It seems we've circled back around to you wanting things that your relationship with me doesn't entitle you to.

Access denied.

P.S. Comparing your relationship with me to the relationship I have with the one I'd like to be my wife is like saying "May the odds NEVER be in my favor."

Friday, December 5, 2014

Agency is sexy!

There's something about trafficking in one's own sexuality that is so powerful. I think the fact that I know no man can have me makes me feel invincible.



I also know that's its distracting as all outside to some. That's something I have no time to care about!

I actually made the decision to wear a body con dress to my PhD defense for this very reason. My breasts, hips, and thighs are glorious and they make me feel like a masterpiece. Nothing boosts my confidence like looking amazing.

I really do love the attention but I also love knowing they can't really ever have this.
Like ever.



I'm in control of my own objectification which means I'm exercising my own agency when I wear whatever I want, low cut or not. I'm permitting you to see all this fineness. The "object" is actually in control of its own exhibition. That's how I own these decisions. They are just that, decisions!

I walked through the hospital cafeteria and had men walk past, stop, and turn around to catch a better look.

I totally understand it.
I get it.
They're awesome.
Look all you want.




Thursday, December 4, 2014

The whole or the part

If you accept me, unconditionally and exactly as I am, you'll probably get the gentle, considerate, kind, loving, affectionate, doting side of me because I'm bringing my whole self.  Chances are, many people have seen this whole self interact with people who do accept me without reservation but they themselves haven't experienced that.

The more things I feel I have to modify to be acceptable to you, the more closed off I become. If I'm not open with you because you can't or won't accept all of me, then the parts of me that you want to see aren't going to be as readily visible either. This why you may perceive that I'm more considerate or nicer to other people. I'm more of who I am with them. I'm less of who I am with you.

Consider that.

Also....I realize you're doing the best you can. I acknowledge that and accept that this is your honest effort. Unfortunately, even if this is the best you can do, I'm going to have to manage my interactions with you. You can't have the most authentic version of me because she's a treasure you don't know how to handle. I'm not going to let you into a place you haven't proven you have the right or privilege to be with me because you want to experience what others experience with me.

I'm having an individual relationship with everyone. My inner circle is very very small. Its a handful of people out of almost 8 billion. The inner circle gets me whole. If I'm not able to show up any kind of way with you, then you're not in that handful. Watching that handful interact with me and comparing that to your experiences of me isn't a good idea.

I'm giving you the best I can without giving so much that I could hurt myself. This is it. This is all I have to give.

Take it or leave it.


Friday, November 28, 2014

Together

Together

We pray together
We lay, together
We work together
Oh baby
We both come first, but together
But never, oh never ever
I never ever never wanna ever forget to be in love with you
In love with you
I won't forget to be in love with you

We fight, we fuss, we kiss, we cuss, but when its done
baby I'm still in love with you
Promise
I won't forget to be in love with you

We fuss together
Oh yea
One day we'll evenly be making love together
We cry together
Side by side forever

But never
never ever
I never ever never wanna ever forget to be in love with you
In love with you
I won't forget to be in love with you

We fight, we fuss, we kiss, we cuss, but when its done
Baby I'm still in love with you
Promise
I won't forget to be in love with you

Let's love forever
Best friends forever
I won't forget to stay in love with you

-Chrisette Michele

If I whispered what I want for us, it would look like this
That audacity of hope is just that, but its as real as anything I've ever known

Monday, November 24, 2014

Loved Me Back

Today, the church loved me back.

I have spent many years serving in various churches in Omaha and in North Carolina. I've been diligent and dedicated.

I'm devoutly Christian and humbled to offer my gifts and talents in the House of God.

BUT 

The House of God hasn't always wanted them.

I'm about to tell an unfortunate truth. The Church doesn't always operate the way it should. In my case....its been interesting.

So let's go back.

I served at an AWESOME church in Omaha. At the church I really grew into who I am as an adult Christian. I took hold of my own faith and deepened my relationship with God in so many ways.



Except....my obsession with getting married. You heard right. I was obsessed.

I wanted to get married SOOOOOOOOO badly. Quite honestly I didn't want to be alone.

This was the time at which I first a) fasted from dating for a year to refocus my life on the Lord and b) concieved of the idea that if my friends and I never got married we could have babies together and raise them together <----first sign that I'd like to raise kids with a woman.



Like most girls, I just assumed I was a heterosexual. I dated boys and I liked them. I liked company. I liked cuddling. I liked not being alone. <---- Doesn't make you a heterosexual. I didn't realize that though so I just went along on my merry way.




Now I'd always taken my faith very seriously and I have been very devout for years. So obviously I remain devout. And I served alot.

Fast Forward 

My lab moves and I find another, seemingly awesome church. I served there a TON!

I served there every week doing lighting programming and every other week doing both programming and operating the board on Sundays. Just to give you an idea.....that's 5 hrs every week and 18 hours of the weeks I served on Sundays.



I was pulling a ton of hours and there was slight chatter of a position being opened because I was clearly meeting a need.

Well at the same time in my life I'd started to realize that I wasn't attracted to men in the way most heterosexual women are. And one special lady caught my eye and let's just say I started mentioning her.  I'd bring her up with other people brought up their significant others. I even gave people advice about their relationships based on what was working in mine. Yup....I fully integrated my love life into my regular life and when it came time to say something I said...

I'm bisexual.

And when I realized that to be bisexual you actually had to be open to having sex with both men and women, I realized I needed to amend that statement to.....

I'm a lesbian.

One sweet day I'll buy one of these and get down on one knee....


Now... all the while I'm doing this in my life and its just kind of washing over into other parts of my life. My work life knew about this lady, church life knew. Everyone knew.

And around that time the conversation just died out about a position at work and I let it.

Only a few weeks later I found out that....

The church hired someone to do that job. Someone who wasn't so you say "technically qualified."  I was actually asked why I wasn't doing it anymore and there were complaints. I found out later for a sympathetic friend that they liked his ideas behind theology better and that they suspected I wasn't heterosexual. They hired someone for their lifestyle not their technical ability.

Because Jesus said so much about how only heterosexuals can serve in church and lead people to Christ? (He said no such thing!)

So yea...that hurt.

Fast Forward to Today!

Today I had coffee with the Young Adult Pastor's Wife and the Director of Young Adults. I was asked was there anyone special...

I said their was and I said he is a she.

I told them about her and consequently came out as a homosexual.

And they took it GREAT!

Pastor's wife prayed for me, my life, my career, my Christian community and for my lady. It was astounding. I've never in my life thought that that was a thing. I was so unprepared for the fact that she loved me anyway. And told me so!



I was overwhelmed by the fact that in her prayers for me she'd include my love.

Had I not lived it I wouldn't believe it.

She did say that it challenges her in some areas because she's only seen gay people be defined by their homosexuality and she knows me and knows that my life isn't defined that way. I'm just as devoutly Christian and just as gay.  And I told her my Christianity informs my sexuality. I don't behave in ways I feel aren't appropriate for my Christianity despite what gay culture might tell me is ok.  I still want marriage and kids, but with a woman. 

It was awesome.

And I just got a text message from the Director of Young Adults saying "Is she coming to your graduation in May because I'd love to meet her."

Mind. Blown. 


Thursday, November 20, 2014

November 19, 2014

I successfully defended my PhD.

I passed my defense unanimously.

The PhDs
 

Sunday, November 16, 2014

At least my degree was free...

because my doctoral regalia is going to cost about $900.



And the real MVP goes to my Daddy who is footing the bill for my regalia cause bruh! Sometimes I think getting married would be awesome and then I remember how my money is set up.....

Daddy pays because I'm single....and single, as in not married, is how a youngster will remain until her money starts to look strong! <--- Facts only!


One Big Exam

Your defense is an exam. The only exam that will matter. Every presentation, lecture, seminar, and journal club I've ever given has been preparation for Wednesday, November 19th at 9 am CST.


This defense has me up on the Sabbath like its not Women's Day in 8 hours up at my Mom's church. 
And she has a solo. 
So I'm definitely going.


Saturday, November 15, 2014

Trying to get some froyo in peace

Last night I was out with my undergrad, Cakes, and we were trolling.

For frozen yogurt!

Yup we were prowling the streets to get a delectable treat to take back to her place.

So for the full effect, I was wearing jeans and an oversized Nebraska hoodie in grey.
------>Clearly not looking to pick up anyone or even be noticed!

I just want my froyo!

So first off...we were walking to Yo Pump when this car drives up on the side walk. Yes the side walk chile!

Now if y'all don't know anything about UNC-Chapel Hill pedestrians let me start by saying

THEY CRAY  They are down right insane. Certifiable. They need medication. Chemistry is the only thing that will help their mental delusions.

Why are they cray?

They're cray because they exercise their right to walk with RECKLESS ABANDON!  They will walk right out in front of a moving car simply because they are in the cross walk.  They care not that the car is going 30 mph and the driver will have to slam on brakes not to hit them.

Even worse...they do that even when they don't have a crosswalk because why? Because pedestrians have the right of way.



A UNC student would definitely walk out in front of that car even if it was that close to the cross walk. C-R-A-Y!


The thing they always forget is that having the right of way and being RIGHT isn't worth getting injured or dying for. Not this particular right. Now I'm down for the cause with women's rights, civil rights, queer rights, but the right to walk across the street whenever you want? Nope....I'll pass.

Anyway.... so Cakes and I are walking and this car stupidly drives onto the sidewalk. There are 2 parking lots that are attached via this sidewalk that is wide enough for a car and this girl is trying to drive to get out of the parking lot. Needless to say, driving onto the sidewalk isn't the way but she does.

Now I am not a UNC pedesterian. I was trained by my momma and good ol' common sense. If I get hit by a car it will hurt. If the car hits me, it will roll right on over my broken body. In light of that....I started moving towards Cakes so as to avoid getting hit by this car.  Cakes continues to walk straight. She doesn't flinch or shuffle. She moves not an inch to the left as the car approaches on the right. As the young ones say "no fucks" did Cakes have for this car.

I did!



I eventually pushed Cakes with my shoulder to get to the left at which point she goes COMPLETELY OFF!

"NO! THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKING SIDEWALK! I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE IN THIS SPACE AND THIS CARE DOESN"T......." Y'all get it.


Yup Cakes wasn't happy but I wasn't getting hit for any reason.

So we get our froyo and we come out the door when some young White gentleman walks by and says "Hi" to me.  I hesitated simply because: Hoodie and jeans.  I assumed he couldn't have been speaking to me.

Then he says to his boys "Oh....she dissed me" as I said hi back.

Apparently the hesitation was the diss....

And goes on and on with his friends as Cakes and I walk the other way.  Then Cakes looks at me and says.....

"But you don't even like boys. Its not a personal affront. Its the whole subspecies. Its not him. Its you."

iHollered.



Gotta love my undergrad!

Just a few more minutes....

I reach out in the middle of the night to feel you next to me until I realized you're only there in my dreams.

So I sleep a little longer.



Thursday, November 6, 2014

Data!

Late

Night

Confocal!
Just a girl and her million dollar microscope...oh and my dissertation which I'm also working on. Thankfully, I just have to show up tomorrow and be professionally Black. That doesn't take too much effort ;-)

Btdubbs.... its 3:34 am EST!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Platform

As you guys know, I write.

I write quite a bit actually.

Most of it is my dissertation. I won't force you to read it. I'll drop an abstract on my book when I defend it, but otherwise no.

BUT…..

New development!

I'm a contributing writer over at threelol.com.

Its a blog run by Danielle and Aisha Moodie-Mills.

Aisha and Danielle

Threelol stands for Living, Loving, and Laboring out loud and I will be posting there twice a month.

I'll be giving you the scientific perspective on a variety of topics. I obviously have perspectives as a Black person, a woman, a non-heterosexual, and other identities I possess but the prevailing voice over there will be the soon-to-be PhD voice I've been cultivating for the last 5 years. 


I'm super excited to be writing over there and I hope you'll come over and see what I've written.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Though I walk...

through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me.

"Death" is currently my dissertation.


The struggle continues....



P.S. I made it to the gym today so at least my body isn't going to completely revolt because I'm surely been neglecting it because my mind has been on 1,000 so I had my body on 0. No bueno!


Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Warsan was on to something....

Every mouth you've ever kissed
was just practice
all the bodies you've ever undressed
and plowed in to
were preparing you for me.
I don't mind tasting them in the
 memory of your mouth
they were a long hall way
a door half open
a single suitcase still on the conveyor belt
was it a long journey?
Did it take you long to find me?
You're here now
welcome home.

-Warsan Shire, Welcome Home

Monday, October 27, 2014

Silence

Just because I don't say it hurts, doesn't mean it isn't, doesn't, or won't in the future.

Don't misunderstand silence as happiness.


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Crave

I crave so much more than just a physical connection.
I crave words and depth.
I crave who you are and where you came from, your desires and fears.
I yearn to know every inch of you beyond the surface.


Saturday, October 18, 2014

Visibility Matters

I truly believe visibility matters.

Nothing changes the attitudes of those who may have some degree of prejudice like finding out they are discriminating against someone they know or love.

I've found that those who might feel some type of way, especially in the devoutly Christian church settings I'm often in, will hold their tongue and temper their speech when they realize that I am both devoutly Christian and LGBTQ. Though admitting this has lowered a glass ceiling on my leadership positions in churches that don't believe in gay marriage, it hasn't marred any relationships. I haven't had anyone try to convince me of anything nor have I been dismissed when I liken my companion to someone's wife or husband. I openly use terms of endearment for what I'm involved in and my peers are fine with it. The lack of the leadership position possibilities is disconcerting but I still served and love to serve.


Serving

Like

a

boss!


Its so interesting to me that people fail to see that you can be devoutly Christian and not be heterosexual at the same time. I've often had to pick one and I have historically picked devoutly Christian because that's vital to my existence. Now I'm not saying queerness isn't but what I am saying is that my faith causes me to be celibate so my sexuality, no matter what it is, isn't an active part of my life. Much like my heterosexual devoutly Christian counterparts, I ascribe to the following

"Don't let you level of intimacy exceed your level of commitment."



What does that mean to me?  It means you need to be committed to someone mentally, emotionally, and spiritually before you are physically intimate. I know my Ephesians and it talks about presenting your bride without spot or wrinkle. Whoever I marry, I'd like to present ourselves this way before the altar for marriage.  <---This is my I could pick my spirituality over my sexuality.

My sexuality exists within the confines of my Christianity.

Let's switch gears a minute.....

As a person who identifies as LGBTQ, I've found simply saying "my companion" in the same context as others say "boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband" not only makes people aware of who I am but I've also found most are there and ready.

In academia, as soon as I allude to my non-heterosexuality, everyone is on board with the program and aware.

I love that.

I love that all I have to do is say "I'm here and I'm not straight" and everyone acknowledges that and moves on.

I also love that I get just as much respect for my relationships and people I value as I give others.  I'm a senior student whose dissertation is due tomorrow and my sexuality doesn't take away from that. My ability to lead doesn't change because of who I love.



Academia has its perks but you won't see them if you don't speak up.

I always knew the importance of visibility as a Black girl scientist but now I'm learning about it in a whole new way.

Be seen. Be Visible. Be you.


Friday, October 17, 2014

One Chapter Remains...

Y'all just don't know how chapter 3 is trying my spirit!!!!


It's my very last chapter to finish. 1,2,4, and 5 are ready to go. I just gotta get through 3 and its not making this easy. I had to figure out how to approach this one because it wasn't that straight forward.

Tomorrow, I'm compiling my dissertation so its gotta get done. That's the black ass bottom line.

Back to the grind.


Thursday, October 16, 2014

Nerdland LIVE!

I recently had the opportunity to see the Head Nerd, Dr. Melissa Harris Perry, live at Wake Forest University. She recently took the position of Presidential Chair and Professor of Politics and International Affairs at Wake Forest University which is located in the county I live in.

Forsyth County for the WIN!


Obviously, the presence of Dr. Harris Perry in Winston Salem means there will be many more opportunities to hear from her personally and let me tell you...Melissa unfiltered is quite the treat!

Y'all know she can't say everything she wants to say on TV but this was a non-streamed event and Melissa brought it. She brought all of it!

So this event was a fundraiser for Triad Mental Health which serves the larger community with resources for those suffering for mental illness as well as educating the public at large about mental health. So Melissa, ever the scholar, took an interesting position on the issue and I took notes.

Yup, notes.

I don't play.

So let's get into it because there's a ton to discuss.

Dr. Harris Perry set up this conversation with the idea the one can be absent of health without actually being ill. Plenty of people aren't sick but that doesn't mean they are healthy. Similarly, happiness isn't mental health. Happiness is momentary. She made the argument that mental health is about being able to experience negativity and rebound. Its about robust resiliency.  Just as happiness isn't mental health, she proposed that joy might be because joy, which represents connectivity and belonging, allows for continuous reinforcement of who you actually are outside of the negative experience and isn't situational.

As a political scientist, Dr. Harris Perry had to make a political argument and it was brilliant. She offered that mental health is a requirement of democracy. If our founding document says "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," then we are endowed by our creator with being about to have happiness and by extension joy and mental health.  She went on to say that Health is not solely or primarily located in the body of the patient but in politics.  A sick people is a symptom of a sick democracy.

I know right...y'all I was like "Girl....just roll that argument right on out cause I'm ready to receive!"

She then took it back to Jefferson and good ol' Monticello. In our founding document, the government instituted the protection of happiness as a puristic. We have the right to flourish in a democracy.

Now Jefferson was an interesting character and in "Notes on Virginia" we find out that Jefferson studied the slaves. He really studied them! Jefferson came to some interesting albeit false conclusions depending on your interpretation.

Jefferson observed that the Black nature had no meaningful or enduring emotional wound from captivity and loss. This conclusion is crucial for him to continue to hold his fellow human beings in slavery.  You can't believe that you're making a lasting negative impression and continue to be the created of the negativity. Those are incongruent ideas. You must believe that chattel slavery isn't painful for the people you subject to it.

Dr. Harris Perry then cited a study that showed that at 5 years old, children believed that all other people experience pain in the same ways they do. When asked does it hurt more if a Black person or White person hits their head, they believe it hurts the same. By 7, they believe to some degree that it hurts a White person more and by 10 they firmly believe that Black bodies hurt less.  I thought this was an interesting point. The myth of the strong Black body starts very young and isn't being explicitly taught but picked up by young people anyway.

Dr. Harris Perry then moved into an interesting argumentative space. She stated that there are lots of areas of injustice that can be explained away. Lots of things can be attributed to decisions individuals make even if a much larger system is at fault. Poverty, lack of education, and a myriad of other socioeconomic disadvantages are often thought the caused by a lack of initiative or drive when one can't pull themselves up by their bootstraps with no boots.  She then gave infant mortality as an example. She said no one ever tries to attribute the death babies to class. Babies shouldn't die no matter who they are born to and that is something Americans believe across the board.  She went not to discuss something I've known for years. I'm sure it was news to the greater population who sat in Wake Chapel.

The race of a baby's mother can be used as a predictor for a negative outcome because children born to Black mother, regardless of education level or income, are twice as likely to die. Die. We are still talking about babies and we are also talking about death. Tiny coffins that shouldn't exist are purchased twice as often by Black mothers.

Dr. Harris Perry then offered looking at the body politic as a way to determine where this heartbreaking statistic finds its origin.  And she took us there.....straight to patriarchy.

Privilege, status, and property were all patrilineal in inheritance for White people. In slavery, inheritance was matrilineal. Every White woman who gave birth knew they were passing on everything their child's father had to their child but enslaved women were passing on something different. The first gift an enslaved woman gave her child was slavery. She referenced the movie "Beloved" wherein Sethe killed her daughter so she wouldn't have to endure chattel slavery. Dr. Harris Perry summed this up by saying that we live in a place where one group of people lived kiting that pregnant was passing on slavery. To think there aren't residual health issues carried on in a historically enslaved people is preposterous.

However, Dr. Harris Perry pointed out that Black women often don't have mental health issues.  The average Black woman has a net worth of $5. Not $500 or $5,000. Five $1 bills. And Black women aim to spend every last cent! Black women literally have nothing but we are never the ones that kill ourselves statically. Mental health wise, we are staying. We may be sick but we aren't crazy. And that sick for us is high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol and any number of co-morbidities associated with those medical issues.

So then we should ask ourselves "Can the tools we use to measure mental health see what they are meant to measure? Are we asking the right questions?" Dr. Harris Perry sighted changes in the DSM in the 1970s that characterized schizophrenia as hostility and projected anger and its associated behaviors. Black people were subsequently diagnosed very aggressively as schizophrenic. Now let's remember the 1970s....there were reasons for hostility and hostile behavior. The DSM made a disease fit a behavior and Black men remain over diagnosed to this day. If we presume something is an illness, it becomes one.

Dr. Harris Perry then brought it home. Black people don't appear to be sick because you're looking in the room place. Actually being sick in our physical bodies is our mental illness. It is the diabetes and the hypertension. Inequality is the womb in which these illnesses were nurtured and continue to find sustenance.

Dr. Harris Perry then explored John Henryism and the Sojourner truth syndrome in Black men and women respectively. John Henryism is an active coping style that says if I just work harder it will all work out. John Henryism also creates cardiovascular disease. It is my top hypothesis for why Black men in my family around the time of slavery and it abolishment dropped dead of heart attacks. You can't out work a broken system. Similarly, Sojourner Truth Syndrome in Black women is an active coping style complicated by low resources  that creates enduring negative physiological effects on the women that use it. You are literally killing poor people by telling them to work harder. Your response to inequality of working hard to over come is has very real, lasting negative consequences.  Inequality is exiting a price on Black bodies.

Dr. Harris Perry went on to say that the real work of mental health is about change. The individual matters greatly. Never leave a man behind is an American belief that we hold dear. Unfortunately, individual suffering and healing can't cure the system. We have to be as interested in curing the body politic as we are in an individual patient.

Melissa really brought it y'all. We were all sitting there like "Lawd how can I make an appointment to see this woman and give her a topic and just let her talk?!?! I just want to sit at her feet and soak up all this wisdom and knowledge!"  She was phenomenal y'all. Just fantastic!

So y'all know that when question and answer time came I would make my way to the mic to speak to the Head Nerd herself. Yup...I asked Melissa a question and she answered it!  ::insert happy dance here::

Wanna here it? Here it go!

"My name is Philise and I'm a PhD Candidate in Pharmaceutical Science at the University of Nebraska Medical Center."

Dr. MHP: "What are you doing here?"

Me Internally: "OMGGGGGGGG She's actually listening to the words coming out of my mouth!!!"

Me " My lab got bought by UNC- Chapel Hill."

Dr. MHP: "Figures."

Me: "So I'm about to have my PhD, my dad has a PhD, and my mom has a graduate degree. We can't be more educated than we so what does the data say I can do to ensure my baby lives if I can't educate myself out of that situation?"

Dr. MHP: "You're not gonna like this answer."

Dr. Harris Perry went on the say that there isn't really anything that can be done to make sure my personal baby isn't affect by this statistic. She did say that often time the damage done to the physical body is a result of childhood inequality and discrimination and I have thankfully experienced essentially none of that.   She said that having experienced none of that means that the propensity for illness isn't a part of my personal body but on a larger scale, Dr. Perry stated that the real way to change this is systemic. The system needs to stop supporting inequality and Black babies will have a better shot at life.

The truth!


She was everything I was hoping for! Dr. Melissa Harris Perry will see me in many more audiences that she has for the public to consume. I just can't get enough of the Head Nerd. I want to sit at her feet, offer a topic and a question, and just soak up all that brilliance. She's my kind of superstar.


Sunday, October 12, 2014

Just Running Across my Dash

I came across these quotes and they made me think....

The first was "When I date someone at this point in my life. I’m not dating them just to say I’m dating someone. I’m dating them with the intent to build, progress and have a romantic partnership. If somewhere along the lines it doesn’t work out, fine. But they’ll never be able to say I didn’t try to grow with them."

This speaks to the very essence of who I am. I want to build something.  I want something tangible. I want to go in deep. I want to shine a light in the dark places and warm to the cool ones. I'm a builder. I'm committed and I think you should be at 27. I think 27 is a fine age at which to say "I want to make this work and I want to make it work with you." 

The second was "I literally crave affection. It’s not about sex. I crave somebody to cuddle with me, and to lay their head on my lap. I crave kisses, holding hands and running my thumb across theirs. Just looking at someone and thinking “how did I get this lucky”.

You all just DO NOT KNOW!!!!!! Intimacy will blow your mind. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open and flawed and imperfect and letting someone else tell you that that's okay.  Your mind will explode with happiness. I quite literally could hold you for hours and never get enough. I just want to take naps with your head on my chest and soak up all the contentment this world has to offer. 



"And I understand. I understand why people hold hands: I’d always thought it was about possessiveness, saying ‘This is mine’. But it’s about maintaining contact. It is about speaking without words. It is about I want you with me and don’t go.


As a young person I never understood the essence of hand holding. I thought it was boring. I thought it was pointless. I thought it was a complete waste of a good hand. 
Lord, was I wrong....young and wrong.
I want to walk through this world hand in hand. I want to always be touching you. I understand now what's its like to want to lay claim to someone because they've captured your heart. When you're away, I miss the heat of you under my hand. 

Sometimes I think being in love is like having your heart outside your body walking around. Its amazing and terrifying at the same time. 

Monday, October 6, 2014

The 4%

So I had to take this test on my personality for this project in my sister's class.  Below are the findings....

Idealists (NF), as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. 

Yup....that's me. I'm constantly trying to figure out how I can be better. 



And they want to help others make the journey.Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

I also want my friends and loved ones to be epic....not just great. 


Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. 

I can always see what could be. I'm all about potential. I'd much rather talk to you about where we will be in 5 years than where we are today. I'm a hopeless romantic.

The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Yup.....that's all me.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity.

Girl! I've been celibate 6 years.  If that ain't strict I don't know what is!

They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. 



Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others

Breakfast? Dinner? Can I make your favorite dessert? How can I be whatever you need even if you don't yet know you need it?

They cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships

I like them...a whole whole lot. 

 they strive for a special rapport with their children

And I love my baby boy LP

and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

And I want this with a certain someone 

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

So yea... that's me according to Keirsey. I'm actually an INFP which is described by Myers Briggs as 

INFP personalities are true idealists, always looking for the hint of good in even the worst of people and events, searching for ways to make things better. While they may be perceived as calm, reserved, or even shy, INFPs have an inner flame and passion that can truly shine. Comprising just 4% of the population, the risk of feeling misunderstood is unfortunately high for the INFP personality type - but when they find like-minded people to spend their time with, the harmony they feel will be a fountain of joy and inspiration. Being a part of the Diplomat (NF) personality group, INFPs are guided by their principles. When deciding how to move forward, they will look to honor, beauty, morality and virtue - INFPs are led by the purity of their intent, not rewards and punishments.