It's Clinic Eve!

Life LIFE
Life LIFE
LIIIIIFE
LIFE
LIIIIIFE
Life

Yup....that's how I'm feeling.

Life's good.

Easter rocked! It basically is the holiday I plan to rock food wise. Yes....you want a ticket to Easter dinner. And yes, you have to have fasted something for Lent or there is no invitation.

Yes....I did that!

I'm sitting here eating dinner....basically leftover sauce from Easter and ground chicken and black bean pasta. Its good per usual.

Also....listening to a Women's soccer podcast....its rad.

USWNT's back in camp....friendly's coming up April soon.

Tomorrow I'm in clinic. And we're going through this insane situation with badges because I'm a 1st year and I don't have one and my attending wants me to have one but getting one is proving very difficult. We shall try try again tomorrow.

There's an intersquad scrimmage on Saturday where we will get to see some of our other players. I'm really excited about Williams because she's been awesome on the wing. She was a draft pick and she's been really nice on the pitch. I also wanna see more of Caprice.

Got a lot of studying to do this week.

Also, my interview was this past weekend. Went very well. Lasted 2 hours and he stated that he was impressed. Also, he told me my responsibilities which include primary ambulance duty, C Spine team, concussion rule out from start as I already have those under my belt as well as modalities, which I will learn with him.  We shall see (and yes I'm really hoping to get it!)

So yea....I don't know why I wrote this but this is my life.
Gloriously so.

More than Me

I'm emotional
You're emotional
Could be why we always argue
Our conversations short
We can't open up
its just become much to difficult

I don't know what to do
I don't know what to prove
this is more than me
so much more than you

Can you make it through to you and I
I can't decide

I can't decide
If its you I want
Do I want to choose between
Having you in my life
or losing you for real 
because I caught feelings.......

Feelings

This is a very real question I'm turning over in my head. I use to hate that I caught feelings for her. Why? Because we really did have a phenomenal friendship. Because I really loved her until I realized that I was really in love with her.

But can I tell you what God did?
He showed me I was capable.
Capable of actually being more than smart.
Capable of caring for another person more than myself.
Capable of actually behaving in the way Ephesians calls us to in marriage.
He showed me that I could stay in the middle of His Will for me and find peace despite what the situation looked like. He showed me joy in the midst of unhappiness. He showed me that if I trusted what He was telling me in this moment, He'd be with me in the next moment.

I just can't pretend
that you're just a friend
we took it further
passion still remains
so here we are again
because we caught feelings
Feelings 

I also now know that if I ever have an issue with my wife, who I promised to cherish and devoted to, I know I'll never dissolve my marriage because I've demonstrated love when it wasn't reciprocated before without vows. I know I'm strong enough in times of great trial, to carry my marriage on my own. And you know what...I think that'll really matter considering my career.

Its Good Friday. The veil is torn. I'm just sitting here thinking about how in this very specific situation, the tearing of the veil has impacted my life so profoundly.

I still don't know what to do about this situation. Its still more than me. He's given me an end date. I'm so thankful to be able to submit to Him. There's peace there.

Its preseason.....

So back to carb cycling and training.

I also went back to the field for the first time Saturday. Its just as I remember....I love the SoccerPlex up here.

Watched a great webinar on female athletes and tweaked my ATFL hiking. That set me back some with working out but planning to be ready in a day or two. I can walk on it but its sore and swollen         -___-

My mom was quite upset that I'd gone hiking without any company. I don't think she understands me fully when I say "I'm doing what I want to do whether or not any one else wants to go." I get that she would prefer I didn't go alone but 1. I love being alone and 2. I asked and no one wanted to go. I refuse to stay at home or do something I don't want to do because of other people. That's never been me and it won't become me.

Picture of Bend, OR taken on an iPhone. I can only imagine this awesomeness in person!

I'm moving out to gorgeous Oregon (if I match there) and I'll be doing plenty of solo hiking. She needs to get use to it. And baring the actual amputation of my foot or it getting stuck under a boulder of some type, I'll be able to hobble my way back to my car.

Where there's a will...

UPDATE: I warmed up my ankle with a 3.5 mile bike ride and then ran on it. Logged a good distance with no issues and did side shuffles with no issues. Other than being puffy and a little point tenderness I'm all good. Had a great overall workout for cardio and lifting. Carb cycling isn't ruining my days. I'm having a beautiful time actually. Onward and Upward!

You Already Did...

I was talking to the boys about the insanity that is being a woman in medicine the other day and I was saying "How can people expect us to make such drastic sacrifices for medicine?" Like seriously....how the hell is someone supposed to have a life when they're going into Thursday morning looking at a 13 hour shift when they've already logged 39 hours that week and still have to work Friday? And I'm talking about an ATTENDING'S schedule. Its insane."

You know what the boys said that had me on the phone mouth open like a fish?

"You know you did the same thing willingly."

Excuse me? What are you talking about sir?

They went on to say "When you decided to stop talking to the girl you're in love with because you knew you couldn't pass med school AND have her in your life? That was a drastic sacrifice for medicine. And you made and continue to make it."

Whoa.
Like really whoa.

I'd never considered it like that. But they're right. I can't do emotional turmoil and school work. When faced with that choice, I chose medicine.

The lid on that convo was "And you'll keep choosing it because you love it. You love it more than you love the possibility of a romantic relationship."

Welp....there it is. If a romantic relationship was stable and didn't distract from my academic pursuits, I'd be all for it. But anything that takes from my education is a hell no.

I know a while ago I wrote a post about how I hope my future wife never makes me choose. Seems I've got precedent that says she'll lose that battle BUT I also know, God wouldn't do that to me...give me a wife that would ask me to choose.  Thanks for looking out Jesus!


PS Future wife, If you ever read this I really do love you. At the time I wrote this we weren't in a relationship and the only committed relationship I was in was with my PhD. I even got a tattoo for her on our 1 year anniversary of being together ;-)

Like a Porch in the South...

You know...my mentors are brilliant. Not just because they're smart but that have a level of emotional intelligence I hope to one day master.

That's what I want to talk about actually. 

My mentors watch me. They keep actual tabs on me. They have always said "You know we're great and we will guide you but you need real people friends to walk with you daily."

Real People Friends

What the hell are real people friends?

Well I'm glad you asked. 

Real people friends are friends that call you out on your BS. They challenge you. One of my newest ones is in my class. When I had this dispute with another friend about her boyfriend's issues with me, my real people friend challenged me about forgiveness and understanding and open communication. Where I just wanted to fade to black she was all about being in the light. That's a real people friend.

My lesbian fam back at UNC also does this for me. With issues around coming out and dealing with homophobia, they are my go to. They are my "keep trying with your parents even though they haven't gotten there yet because they need time to understand" or "go heal yourself but come back because forgiveness is valuable and this relationship is salvageable" or "screw them, they keep hurting you and knowing that they are so they don't deserve the awesome wonderfulness that is you" and yes they talk like that. Real. People. Friends.

Real people friends keep you accountable. They don't let you get away with anything or let anything slide. When I told my bestie that I wouldn't see 28 if I didn't get in medical school and she gave me a list of things she wanted me to do and wanted proof I did and IF I didn't she'd be going to my mother with all the proof of my suicidal thoughts that she had....that's a real people friend.

Real people friends listen to the same story over and over as you work out your feelings and when you want to do something suspect that remind you exactly why you shouldn't. When time and time again I've turned my situation with the girl I'm in love with over in my head and needed to talk about her and get perspective, the boys have listened patiently and given me constructive thoughts. When I seriously considered doing something that wouldn't be wise for my overall well being in regards to her, they reminded me exactly why and how I got into the situation I'm in AND why its good for me. Those are real people friends.

My real people friends keep my together on the daily while my mentors keep me on the right path to my goals and yea, big things do go to my mentors that I've already discussed with the friends but that's because I'm at a point where I just need to be told what to do because I either can't be trusted to make the right decision or I can't tell what the right decision is. Either way, between my mentors and my real people friends, I'm covered. 

Resting easy...

365 days....

Today is the anniversary of my parents knowing that their daughter likes girls.

On this day one year ago, I sat my mom down and told her that I want to marry a woman.

So what's different one year later?

Well they know. They can pretend they don't but they do. I don't ever talk about men in any romantic way and they've basically stopped too in relationship to me. From what I understand from my sibling, there is this thought that I'm too busy with med school to remember that I'm gay. That of course makes no sense.

In my life, I've created lots of space for affirmation of who I am.
I've got a photo of lesbian lovemaking above my bed.
I've told anyone with whom it came up that I'm gay and yes that means I'm the only openly gay female in my med school class. And I'm okay with that.

Life is good, one year after deciding to live in the sun.

I'm just so happy to not have to pretend with my parents any more. Or really anyone.

Also....I've discovered that I have no tolerance for anyone who has a problem with homosexuality and low tolerance for closeted folk. Its not that you need to come out if you're in the closet, its just that I'm not interested in lying on your behalf. We probably can't be friends if there's an expectation that I'll keep your secret. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

Come on out into the light. Its beautiful.

The Fallout

So....this is the fallout.

She claimed she didn't want to go with me to UNC but didn't know how to straight up tell me she didn't want to go. (She also told me she wouldn't personally go home for a dinner and turn around and come right back. I realize the dedication I have to IME is intense but the experiences I've had with my mentors have been life changing and life affirming. Not many people are fortunate enough to have mentors as involved as mine are!)  She told her boyfriend she didn't want to go and he apparently was like "then don't go."

Somewhere between what she told me and what our mutual friend told me is the truth.

I'll tell you what I think.

I honestly think he has a problem with me because I treat his girlfriend better than he does hands down. I think that makes him nervous regardless of the fact that she ain't my type and I'm not hers.

I also think she won't let him dictate who to be friends with. <--Was one of the stipulations I had going forward. I told her straight up, if I can only be your friend inside the med school buildings, you can keep it. She told me he doesn't and can't.  She also said that if he had issues with gay people she wouldn't be able to date him. Apparently he has lesbian friends but I had to point out that him having them and his girlfriend having them aren't the same.

So, she doesn't know it but this is a trial run. It'll take me a little while to trust her again and to get back to where we were.

Sometimes I think life would be so much easier with a partner, not just because of all the wonderful things about having one but also because then everyone would know I'm taken and committed.

Its hard for folks to believe I'm committed to my celibacy cause they don't understand it.

I'm pushing for a decade of celibacy. I've got less than 2 years until then. Unless the Lord brings me a wife, I'm going for the decade!

Seeking Counsel

So that situation with the friend whose boyfriend has a problem with my lesbian ways?

I took that to some of my closest LGBT folks and they decided that she can have

1 chance

They were like if her explanation works for you it works for us BUT she must agree not to let his feelings affect your relationship or you can't really have one.

That much....I agree with. I can't be friends with you if our friendship is literally confined to school. That's just not going to work.

Also I value honesty and integrity in my relationships so if you don't think you can be truthful with me then we can't be friends. So...tomorrow is the convo....I'll update after!

Liz in September

I just watched this phenomenal piece if cinema.

Its foreign, Spanish specifically, about a woman who has loved many many women over her life time or at least made love to them. She claims love is foolish until a presumably heterosexual woman wanders into her life.

Eva drops in her life, having lost her son to cancer, while Liz is fighting her own battle with cancer. Though she doesn't look ill, she is....gravely so. Liz falls for Eva and Eva...well she goes back to her husband one last time for one reason: she wants another baby. She sleeps with him that one time and then comes back and stays with Liz.

What I found so interesting about it was that even in that short amount of time they really found each other and saw each other. In the end, Liz doesn't want to drag this out. She wants to let go of life while she's still in her right mind and Eva makes that happen. Eva gives the woman she loves the death she deserves giving her what I presume was a bolus of opoid.

Eva goes on to have that baby, her and Liz's baby as she clearly feels it is, and names the little girl after the woman she loved.

I was so moved by that fact that you can love someone so profoundly in such a short amount a time that you'd do what they wanted you to do even if it meant literally ripping your heart out. Eva knew how fiercely independent and vivacious her lover was and she refused to rob her of that by letting her suffer during a fight she could win. Eva learned that the hard way with her son. So this time...instead of clinging so tightly to her loved one, she let them go.

Eva let Liz be fully who she was in life and death and I think that's a beautiful gift to give someone.

Eva's story said to me

I see you. I love you. You'll always be mine. And I'm going to help you be who you are when you can't be that on your own. You will remain true to yourself because I adore the person you are down to the core of truth. 

Making Decisions

I'm trying to make a decision about something that really bothered me.

I have a friend....a close friend, who lied to me.

She lied about being comfortable with me being gay.....

Let me explain....

I have all straight female friends in med school. Its not by choice...there are no openly gay girls in my med school class. I'm also really really openly gay (specifically to avoid this problem), because I don't want to waste my time getting to know you if you have a problem with who I am. I'd do the same thing if there was a widely spread issue with Christians. I just don't have time for people who have problems with who I am and I how I exist and walk in my own truth.

So anyway...me and this friend were supposed to be going somewhere out of state together for this event I go to every semester. Apparently, she told her boyfriend and he told her he didn't want her to go AND asked her if she had any lesbian thoughts/feelings/leanings.

She then went to a mutual friend of ours and asked her if her boyfriend felt similarly about her spending time with me to which she was like "Bitch what? My boyfriend isn't a dumbass." <---I'm paraphrasing but that's basically what she said.

Now this girl that was supposed to go with me tells me she can't go like two days before AND lies about why she can't go. Mind you this is a long drive so I would like company since its gonna be about 11 hours round trip.

So....what are my issues?

First, you didn't defend us. You didn't defend our PLATONIC friendship. That's bullshit. I fight for my friends all the time. I'm a phenomenal friend and I've been one to you. My new med school friends will tell you I take being a friend very seriously and I'm very good at it. You should have defended us. You know exactly what I find attractive and you're NOT IT! You should have told him he was being ridiculous. You should have called him out on his homophobia. You should have told him he was being as ass. And ultimately, you should have come with me because you said you were and because he's reason for not going makes no sense.

Secondly, you shouldn't be in any type of relationship where someone honestly thinks you're going to not only cheat but change your whole entire sexuality because someone is being nice to you/spends time with you. That person is insecure and if that's how they feel, you'll never be able to restrict your own behavior enough for them to feel comfortable. Being with an insecure person is draining and you've got med school classes to pass girl.

Third, you lied to me. Instead of saying "My boyfriend is an ass and thinks something might be going on with us and doesn't want me to go so I'm gonna keep the peace and not go" you decided it would be better to lie. You decided I didn't deserve the truth. I guess you might not have wanted me to know you were dating a trifling ass bitch but you are. Your boyfriend is a jerk but you didn't want to have to admit that so you lied.

That brings me to my last point. You're dating someone who has issues with gay people but instead of facing that reality and telling your very openly gay friend that one of the greatest influences in your life is homophobic, you lied. Its a problem for me that one of the biggest influences in your life and your behavior is homophobic. That's not cool. I know that doesn't make you homophobic but that does mean you can tolerate that type of lack of decency on a regular basis because it doesn't directly affect you. Guess what? It directly affects me. And honestly, something shouldn't have to directly affect you for you to want to be a decent person to all mankind.

So yea, I'm openly considering whether or not to continue to be your friend. I sure am. Because you lied. Because you didn't defend us. Because your man is homophobic and you're okay with that. Because to be honest....you hurt my feelings. Because I'm not going to be less gay for anyone.

I'm trying to decide if you're worth it. Do I want to fight for us even if you didn't or am I just going to walk away? Its not an easy question to answer. Our friend groups are highly intertwined but I'm just at skilled at being a friend as I am at putting you on smooth clear notice that we are NOT friends.

Because friends don't do what you did.

Stay tuned for my decision.

Time Well Spent

So....some people in one of the groups I'm in were making fun of me today....well let's just say they got jokes.

We were reviewing for a midterm and I was highlighting how "We don't do this clinically" and "we don't do that that way, we do it this way" and one of them was like

"Can we go back to when you said we? Who is we? You already got the degree. They just need to call you doctor and let you start practicing."

It was funny at the time but I was just trying to grasp whether or not we supposed to know what's in the lecture or what is actual standard practice in clinic. I'd say standard practice personally but I digress.

Its interesting how my own taking the initiative to go to clinic and get hands on experience is viewed by my classmates. Y'all go to the CIAA and happy hours and whatnot and I go to clinic. So yea its a "we" because me and the team see sports med patients every week. I take histories and write notes and examine patients. Me and the team ran L&D and if you were being admitted, I was the first member of the med staff you saw and I took your history and assisted with anything else you needed.

I took a thorough history and took my assessment to my attending and we decided to refer to neuro for symptoms that could only be systemically. That was my initial thought and she agreed. That's what my free time looks like and I love it. Even got a complement on my ease with patients and ability to build rapport for such a young student. I'm honestly having a blast.

So yea....its a "we" and I'm good with that. No, I'm no where near where I will be but at least I'm where I want to be.