Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Though I walk...

through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me.

"Death" is currently my dissertation.


The struggle continues....



P.S. I made it to the gym today so at least my body isn't going to completely revolt because I'm surely been neglecting it because my mind has been on 1,000 so I had my body on 0. No bueno!


Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Warsan was on to something....

Every mouth you've ever kissed
was just practice
all the bodies you've ever undressed
and plowed in to
were preparing you for me.
I don't mind tasting them in the
 memory of your mouth
they were a long hall way
a door half open
a single suitcase still on the conveyor belt
was it a long journey?
Did it take you long to find me?
You're here now
welcome home.

-Warsan Shire, Welcome Home

Monday, October 27, 2014

Silence

Just because I don't say it hurts, doesn't mean it isn't, doesn't, or won't in the future.

Don't misunderstand silence as happiness.


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Crave

I crave so much more than just a physical connection.
I crave words and depth.
I crave who you are and where you came from, your desires and fears.
I yearn to know every inch of you beyond the surface.


Saturday, October 18, 2014

Visibility Matters

I truly believe visibility matters.

Nothing changes the attitudes of those who may have some degree of prejudice like finding out they are discriminating against someone they know or love.

I've found that those who might feel some type of way, especially in the devoutly Christian church settings I'm often in, will hold their tongue and temper their speech when they realize that I am both devoutly Christian and LGBTQ. Though admitting this has lowered a glass ceiling on my leadership positions in churches that don't believe in gay marriage, it hasn't marred any relationships. I haven't had anyone try to convince me of anything nor have I been dismissed when I liken my companion to someone's wife or husband. I openly use terms of endearment for what I'm involved in and my peers are fine with it. The lack of the leadership position possibilities is disconcerting but I still served and love to serve.


Serving

Like

a

boss!


Its so interesting to me that people fail to see that you can be devoutly Christian and not be heterosexual at the same time. I've often had to pick one and I have historically picked devoutly Christian because that's vital to my existence. Now I'm not saying queerness isn't but what I am saying is that my faith causes me to be celibate so my sexuality, no matter what it is, isn't an active part of my life. Much like my heterosexual devoutly Christian counterparts, I ascribe to the following

"Don't let you level of intimacy exceed your level of commitment."



What does that mean to me?  It means you need to be committed to someone mentally, emotionally, and spiritually before you are physically intimate. I know my Ephesians and it talks about presenting your bride without spot or wrinkle. Whoever I marry, I'd like to present ourselves this way before the altar for marriage.  <---This is my I could pick my spirituality over my sexuality.

My sexuality exists within the confines of my Christianity.

Let's switch gears a minute.....

As a person who identifies as LGBTQ, I've found simply saying "my companion" in the same context as others say "boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband" not only makes people aware of who I am but I've also found most are there and ready.

In academia, as soon as I allude to my non-heterosexuality, everyone is on board with the program and aware.

I love that.

I love that all I have to do is say "I'm here and I'm not straight" and everyone acknowledges that and moves on.

I also love that I get just as much respect for my relationships and people I value as I give others.  I'm a senior student whose dissertation is due tomorrow and my sexuality doesn't take away from that. My ability to lead doesn't change because of who I love.



Academia has its perks but you won't see them if you don't speak up.

I always knew the importance of visibility as a Black girl scientist but now I'm learning about it in a whole new way.

Be seen. Be Visible. Be you.


Friday, October 17, 2014

One Chapter Remains...

Y'all just don't know how chapter 3 is trying my spirit!!!!


It's my very last chapter to finish. 1,2,4, and 5 are ready to go. I just gotta get through 3 and its not making this easy. I had to figure out how to approach this one because it wasn't that straight forward.

Tomorrow, I'm compiling my dissertation so its gotta get done. That's the black ass bottom line.

Back to the grind.


Thursday, October 16, 2014

Nerdland LIVE!

I recently had the opportunity to see the Head Nerd, Dr. Melissa Harris Perry, live at Wake Forest University. She recently took the position of Presidential Chair and Professor of Politics and International Affairs at Wake Forest University which is located in the county I live in.

Forsyth County for the WIN!


Obviously, the presence of Dr. Harris Perry in Winston Salem means there will be many more opportunities to hear from her personally and let me tell you...Melissa unfiltered is quite the treat!

Y'all know she can't say everything she wants to say on TV but this was a non-streamed event and Melissa brought it. She brought all of it!

So this event was a fundraiser for Triad Mental Health which serves the larger community with resources for those suffering for mental illness as well as educating the public at large about mental health. So Melissa, ever the scholar, took an interesting position on the issue and I took notes.

Yup, notes.

I don't play.

So let's get into it because there's a ton to discuss.

Dr. Harris Perry set up this conversation with the idea the one can be absent of health without actually being ill. Plenty of people aren't sick but that doesn't mean they are healthy. Similarly, happiness isn't mental health. Happiness is momentary. She made the argument that mental health is about being able to experience negativity and rebound. Its about robust resiliency.  Just as happiness isn't mental health, she proposed that joy might be because joy, which represents connectivity and belonging, allows for continuous reinforcement of who you actually are outside of the negative experience and isn't situational.

As a political scientist, Dr. Harris Perry had to make a political argument and it was brilliant. She offered that mental health is a requirement of democracy. If our founding document says "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness," then we are endowed by our creator with being about to have happiness and by extension joy and mental health.  She went on to say that Health is not solely or primarily located in the body of the patient but in politics.  A sick people is a symptom of a sick democracy.

I know right...y'all I was like "Girl....just roll that argument right on out cause I'm ready to receive!"

She then took it back to Jefferson and good ol' Monticello. In our founding document, the government instituted the protection of happiness as a puristic. We have the right to flourish in a democracy.

Now Jefferson was an interesting character and in "Notes on Virginia" we find out that Jefferson studied the slaves. He really studied them! Jefferson came to some interesting albeit false conclusions depending on your interpretation.

Jefferson observed that the Black nature had no meaningful or enduring emotional wound from captivity and loss. This conclusion is crucial for him to continue to hold his fellow human beings in slavery.  You can't believe that you're making a lasting negative impression and continue to be the created of the negativity. Those are incongruent ideas. You must believe that chattel slavery isn't painful for the people you subject to it.

Dr. Harris Perry then cited a study that showed that at 5 years old, children believed that all other people experience pain in the same ways they do. When asked does it hurt more if a Black person or White person hits their head, they believe it hurts the same. By 7, they believe to some degree that it hurts a White person more and by 10 they firmly believe that Black bodies hurt less.  I thought this was an interesting point. The myth of the strong Black body starts very young and isn't being explicitly taught but picked up by young people anyway.

Dr. Harris Perry then moved into an interesting argumentative space. She stated that there are lots of areas of injustice that can be explained away. Lots of things can be attributed to decisions individuals make even if a much larger system is at fault. Poverty, lack of education, and a myriad of other socioeconomic disadvantages are often thought the caused by a lack of initiative or drive when one can't pull themselves up by their bootstraps with no boots.  She then gave infant mortality as an example. She said no one ever tries to attribute the death babies to class. Babies shouldn't die no matter who they are born to and that is something Americans believe across the board.  She went not to discuss something I've known for years. I'm sure it was news to the greater population who sat in Wake Chapel.

The race of a baby's mother can be used as a predictor for a negative outcome because children born to Black mother, regardless of education level or income, are twice as likely to die. Die. We are still talking about babies and we are also talking about death. Tiny coffins that shouldn't exist are purchased twice as often by Black mothers.

Dr. Harris Perry then offered looking at the body politic as a way to determine where this heartbreaking statistic finds its origin.  And she took us there.....straight to patriarchy.

Privilege, status, and property were all patrilineal in inheritance for White people. In slavery, inheritance was matrilineal. Every White woman who gave birth knew they were passing on everything their child's father had to their child but enslaved women were passing on something different. The first gift an enslaved woman gave her child was slavery. She referenced the movie "Beloved" wherein Sethe killed her daughter so she wouldn't have to endure chattel slavery. Dr. Harris Perry summed this up by saying that we live in a place where one group of people lived kiting that pregnant was passing on slavery. To think there aren't residual health issues carried on in a historically enslaved people is preposterous.

However, Dr. Harris Perry pointed out that Black women often don't have mental health issues.  The average Black woman has a net worth of $5. Not $500 or $5,000. Five $1 bills. And Black women aim to spend every last cent! Black women literally have nothing but we are never the ones that kill ourselves statically. Mental health wise, we are staying. We may be sick but we aren't crazy. And that sick for us is high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol and any number of co-morbidities associated with those medical issues.

So then we should ask ourselves "Can the tools we use to measure mental health see what they are meant to measure? Are we asking the right questions?" Dr. Harris Perry sighted changes in the DSM in the 1970s that characterized schizophrenia as hostility and projected anger and its associated behaviors. Black people were subsequently diagnosed very aggressively as schizophrenic. Now let's remember the 1970s....there were reasons for hostility and hostile behavior. The DSM made a disease fit a behavior and Black men remain over diagnosed to this day. If we presume something is an illness, it becomes one.

Dr. Harris Perry then brought it home. Black people don't appear to be sick because you're looking in the room place. Actually being sick in our physical bodies is our mental illness. It is the diabetes and the hypertension. Inequality is the womb in which these illnesses were nurtured and continue to find sustenance.

Dr. Harris Perry then explored John Henryism and the Sojourner truth syndrome in Black men and women respectively. John Henryism is an active coping style that says if I just work harder it will all work out. John Henryism also creates cardiovascular disease. It is my top hypothesis for why Black men in my family around the time of slavery and it abolishment dropped dead of heart attacks. You can't out work a broken system. Similarly, Sojourner Truth Syndrome in Black women is an active coping style complicated by low resources  that creates enduring negative physiological effects on the women that use it. You are literally killing poor people by telling them to work harder. Your response to inequality of working hard to over come is has very real, lasting negative consequences.  Inequality is exiting a price on Black bodies.

Dr. Harris Perry went on to say that the real work of mental health is about change. The individual matters greatly. Never leave a man behind is an American belief that we hold dear. Unfortunately, individual suffering and healing can't cure the system. We have to be as interested in curing the body politic as we are in an individual patient.

Melissa really brought it y'all. We were all sitting there like "Lawd how can I make an appointment to see this woman and give her a topic and just let her talk?!?! I just want to sit at her feet and soak up all this wisdom and knowledge!"  She was phenomenal y'all. Just fantastic!

So y'all know that when question and answer time came I would make my way to the mic to speak to the Head Nerd herself. Yup...I asked Melissa a question and she answered it!  ::insert happy dance here::

Wanna here it? Here it go!

"My name is Philise and I'm a PhD Candidate in Pharmaceutical Science at the University of Nebraska Medical Center."

Dr. MHP: "What are you doing here?"

Me Internally: "OMGGGGGGGG She's actually listening to the words coming out of my mouth!!!"

Me " My lab got bought by UNC- Chapel Hill."

Dr. MHP: "Figures."

Me: "So I'm about to have my PhD, my dad has a PhD, and my mom has a graduate degree. We can't be more educated than we so what does the data say I can do to ensure my baby lives if I can't educate myself out of that situation?"

Dr. MHP: "You're not gonna like this answer."

Dr. Harris Perry went on the say that there isn't really anything that can be done to make sure my personal baby isn't affect by this statistic. She did say that often time the damage done to the physical body is a result of childhood inequality and discrimination and I have thankfully experienced essentially none of that.   She said that having experienced none of that means that the propensity for illness isn't a part of my personal body but on a larger scale, Dr. Perry stated that the real way to change this is systemic. The system needs to stop supporting inequality and Black babies will have a better shot at life.

The truth!


She was everything I was hoping for! Dr. Melissa Harris Perry will see me in many more audiences that she has for the public to consume. I just can't get enough of the Head Nerd. I want to sit at her feet, offer a topic and a question, and just soak up all that brilliance. She's my kind of superstar.


Sunday, October 12, 2014

Just Running Across my Dash

I came across these quotes and they made me think....

The first was "When I date someone at this point in my life. I’m not dating them just to say I’m dating someone. I’m dating them with the intent to build, progress and have a romantic partnership. If somewhere along the lines it doesn’t work out, fine. But they’ll never be able to say I didn’t try to grow with them."

This speaks to the very essence of who I am. I want to build something.  I want something tangible. I want to go in deep. I want to shine a light in the dark places and warm to the cool ones. I'm a builder. I'm committed and I think you should be at 27. I think 27 is a fine age at which to say "I want to make this work and I want to make it work with you." 

The second was "I literally crave affection. It’s not about sex. I crave somebody to cuddle with me, and to lay their head on my lap. I crave kisses, holding hands and running my thumb across theirs. Just looking at someone and thinking “how did I get this lucky”.

You all just DO NOT KNOW!!!!!! Intimacy will blow your mind. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open and flawed and imperfect and letting someone else tell you that that's okay.  Your mind will explode with happiness. I quite literally could hold you for hours and never get enough. I just want to take naps with your head on my chest and soak up all the contentment this world has to offer. 



"And I understand. I understand why people hold hands: I’d always thought it was about possessiveness, saying ‘This is mine’. But it’s about maintaining contact. It is about speaking without words. It is about I want you with me and don’t go.


As a young person I never understood the essence of hand holding. I thought it was boring. I thought it was pointless. I thought it was a complete waste of a good hand. 
Lord, was I wrong....young and wrong.
I want to walk through this world hand in hand. I want to always be touching you. I understand now what's its like to want to lay claim to someone because they've captured your heart. When you're away, I miss the heat of you under my hand. 

Sometimes I think being in love is like having your heart outside your body walking around. Its amazing and terrifying at the same time. 

Monday, October 6, 2014

The 4%

So I had to take this test on my personality for this project in my sister's class.  Below are the findings....

Idealists (NF), as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. 

Yup....that's me. I'm constantly trying to figure out how I can be better. 



And they want to help others make the journey.Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

I also want my friends and loved ones to be epic....not just great. 


Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. 

I can always see what could be. I'm all about potential. I'd much rather talk to you about where we will be in 5 years than where we are today. I'm a hopeless romantic.

The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Yup.....that's all me.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity.

Girl! I've been celibate 6 years.  If that ain't strict I don't know what is!

They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. 



Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others

Breakfast? Dinner? Can I make your favorite dessert? How can I be whatever you need even if you don't yet know you need it?

They cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships

I like them...a whole whole lot. 

 they strive for a special rapport with their children

And I love my baby boy LP

and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

And I want this with a certain someone 

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

So yea... that's me according to Keirsey. I'm actually an INFP which is described by Myers Briggs as 

INFP personalities are true idealists, always looking for the hint of good in even the worst of people and events, searching for ways to make things better. While they may be perceived as calm, reserved, or even shy, INFPs have an inner flame and passion that can truly shine. Comprising just 4% of the population, the risk of feeling misunderstood is unfortunately high for the INFP personality type - but when they find like-minded people to spend their time with, the harmony they feel will be a fountain of joy and inspiration. Being a part of the Diplomat (NF) personality group, INFPs are guided by their principles. When deciding how to move forward, they will look to honor, beauty, morality and virtue - INFPs are led by the purity of their intent, not rewards and punishments.