30 years

Today, I watched my mom give reflections about her co-resident and best friend at her best friend's memorial service.

She was great....funny but poignant.

But what ended up bringing me to tears time and time again was the reality that this part of my life could be approaching sooner than I'm remotely prepared for.

You see Mom has been Mom for about....a month.

One of my mentors asked me....how do you see her? And I responded "In all honesty, I see her as a mom. I'd call her mom if I thought she'd be cool with it."

Then it snow balled. I told one friend and she started referring to her as "your mom." And finally I was in her office one day and I thought I was texting that friend and I actually tested Mom and she was like " well do you want to delete it off my phone without me reading it?"

And I sheepishly said "yes."
Then I was like you know what, fuck it. We refer to you as mom. My friend started that and I was texting her and it said something like "Mom said..."  and I went into this long explanation about how I've called other people mom before and its no biggie.
She was like its fine.
I think we both knew, to some degree, that it was a biggie.
A real biggie.
But that night, we let it roll.

And from then on... when we're alone, when I text her, when we talk on the phone, I call her Mom.
For her birthday, I wrote her a letter similar to the one you read and I put Mom on the card. And I talked about it.
I talked about the fact that it is a biggie.
Its nearly axis- altering in my life to be able to say my mom and not have that come from a mixed place. Its not that she never frustrates me or gets on my nerves, because she does but its different. Its that she doesn't hurt me on purpose, its that she treats me well, its that she's grateful for the things I do that I don't have to do....its that she's my mom.

Its in the here's money for this or that.
Its in the "have you eaten?"
Its in the "I got you this" without us having made a single plan to see each other that day.
Its big things and small things.

But yea, me calling her mom means a ton to me.
And then she told me a story.
She wasn't around that much because of residency training when her son was small so he doesn't really call her Mom. He calls her mostly by her first name. He knows she's his mom and they have a great relationship but still and all, he doesn't call her Mom.

And that was the Jesus moment. That was the...."here's why I put this on your heart, kid" from the Big Man Upstairs.
Because, you needed a mom...and she needed to hear someone calling her mom.

Because we all have needs right?

If that wasn't enough, today at the repasse, the wife of one of her coresidents from 30 years ago asked "Who are you?"
I replied "I'm her student."
She the exclaimed "Oh my God. I knew she didn't have a daughter but you sound just like her." She had been sitting on the same row as me, Mom's mom and Mom's sister during the service.
But what a compliment!
We sound alike?
Really?

And then....there was this moment.
I'd gotten Mom a sympathy card and I'd written Mom on the envelope, top left corner. I'd put it there to be slightly more discrete. For her birthday, I'd just written Mom across the center.
I handed it to her and she saw it.
Now this isn't the first time I've written Mom on something. I text her, say it to her, and she's saved i my phone as Mom.

BUT....this was the first time she'd been around her family when it happened. So she did a thing I never thought she would.

She showed her sister and her mom that I'd written "Mom" on the envelope and then proudly said "She calls me mom."
Now though the feelings aren't new, the language is and mostly not to confuse people ( and a little bit because its our personal thing) I don't do it in front of other students. After I graduate I will because then I won't care, but for now, my classmates know that she's not my bio mom so I just keep it private.

What I wasn't expecting was that she didn't want to keep it private. She wants people in her personal life, people that have seen me and know me, to know that this is what we're doing.
This is who we are.
A mom and a child.
It was such a pure moment.
I use to write about belonging all the time and this is that.
This is belonging.
This is words meaning something.

Anyway, her sister was like "She does what?" with Mom sitting there smiling all big.
And I said "I call her mom."
Her sister replied "Well she doesn't have a daughter so that makes sense."

Let me also tell you this....today scared me.
Those boys got up there and talked about their mother and they were excellent but you see....that kinds of things they got to say were the result of 30+ years with their mother.

I'd like 30 years with my Mom too, please.
And considering that she just became my Mom in the last year, I need those years.
I don't know how they did it.
There's no way I could have read pages of material that I'd written about my Mom.
I'd have gone to the mic and just cried.
Every time my mind even remotely wandered to losing my Mom, I would start to lose it.
Because this is my mom's classmate and coresident.
They're the same age.
It really puts things in perspective.

So yea, I will drive back and forth to see you.
Yes, I will stay with you on night float.
Yes, I will read with you.
Yes, I will go to thanksgiving with you.

I want my 30 years of memories.
God. I need 30 years with my Mom.