Outsider

Sometimes I feel indicted because of the way I come to my sexuality.

I needed Jesus.
As a kid, I didn't feel pretty and I needed more affirmation of my value aside from being smart. I had a lot of emotional needs that weren't being met. So when someone said He'll be your comforter and your friend and your strong tower, I ran with it.

I've clung to my faith like dew to a rose for as long as I can remember.
Because of my faith, I've been able to navigate some things a little differently.

Instead of being caught up in my feelings about other women, when I became serious about pursuing a woman I went to God.

I fasted and prayed and waited.
I only listened to religious music, consumed no sexual content of any kind, and read my Bible.
I wrote a daily devotional.
I dedicated myself to getting this answer.
I waited on God and He answered me.
"Forsaking all others, I choose you" is the standard by which I live.

I never really made any moves towards homosexuality before I was sure that God was cool with it and because of that I'm an outsider.

I'm not like the rest of the gay community.
I'm the lesbian who wants to marry a woman and hasn't ever actually kissed a girl.
I'm the lesbian who wants a family and a life with a woman and hasn't ever slept with one and doesn't intend to before marriage.

My religion informs my sexuality and my sexual expression, NOT the other way around.

I'm weird.
And because I've needed Jesus more than I needed orgasms, I identified with Christianity way more strongly than homosexuality. All I really saw of homosexuality was promiscuity.

What I desired for my marriage was and is way more closely aligned to that of my conservative Christian friends. I never wanted to buck the system, I want to be included in it.

I want to be at the marriage retreat at my church, eyes filled with tears, renewing my own commitment to my wife and my marriage in a sea of other couples making the very same commitments. I don't need homosexuality centered in my faith...I just want it included.

So no, I haven't read a ton of gay theology because I didn't need it. I don't have anything to look back at and feel guilty for. At not point in any gay relationship I've been in or will be in have I ever thought that I was committing a sin. The weight of sin or even thinking I was committing a sin while understanding now that it wasn't isn't a part of my life.

No parts of my homosexuality have ever conflicted with my religion because I asked God first.

And that makes me the odd man out. I've got more in common with the man who waited until his wedding to kiss his bride than I do most gay people.
So its hard.

A friend of mine, who reads this blog, said that empathy and understanding aren't my strong points. I disagree. I'm a phenomenal friend and I understand plenty.
I think the real question is "What do you want me to empathize with?"
That's where I struggle.
I just don't really understand why people didn't just ask God first?
Instead of getting out here and acting, why not ask?
And if your answer is "I didn't think it was okay to do what I was doing" then why didn't you stop?

Sin hurts your relationship with God and it hurts you.
If you're doing something that hurts you, stop doing it.
Reassess.

So yea...my empathy may be lacking in this area but I think that's because I've had this fundamental belief that if God says no then no is His best for you.
I trust that. I've trusted it to the tune of crying myself to sleep for 6 months. I'm not out here telling you to do something I've never done and never been deeply hurt by in the interim but I can tell you in the end its better for you.
But I know a lot of people aren't there on their trust walk with God. So if you're going to God and you think He's going to tell you no about something you really enjoy, you might not be able to see how that no is for your good. Thats another reason not to act cause then you don't really know what you're missing.

Anyway...I'm trying to be understanding. I'm trying to empathize. Its a lot easier with patients because I don't really care what they do. My general operating mindset is that patients are nasty any way. Patients don't surprise me.

With people I know in other parts of my life...its harder. Its especially more difficult for me with people who I know know God but decided to do this thing the hard way.
I'm not judging you.
I just don't live my life that way and so it seems that people feel judged by my existence.

I may be an outsider but I'm still a lesbian.
I think that as long as my religion supersedes my sex life, I will be and that's okay with me.