Tests

Without a test, there will be no testimony.

But oh these tests Jesus...... I just had to tell Jesus that an individual was weary two nights ago. I surely did fall asleep to I Trust You by James Fortune & FIYA after that.  Apparently, I needed that in my spirit.You know, someone I love and trust told me being a person who deals in truth will not be easy. I'm paraphrasing but truth either is or it isn't. There's no gray in truth. I'd like to go a step further to say that there is also no confusion in God. Let me be clear. Something that's hard isn't necessarily confusing. Things can be so crystal clear and at the same time the thing you're looking at could be the Rocky Mountains in terms of difficulty. I heard a sermon on faith that moved me so and Dr. Coates talked about how some things are only for you AND that your mountain is a mountain you can deal with. I know this to be true because people tell me

"Ain't no way"
"Couldn't be me"
"Girl, your faith inspires me"

My mountain isn't for everyone. My test is my very own special version from on High. What I love about God though is that whatever you test is, He's given you the power to walk that out. And the power to do so doesn't come overnight. If I sat for the test I'm in right now two years ago, I'd have walked out. I would have exited this test about 30 minutes into it. I wouldn't have been equipped. I wasn't equipped 8 months ago. Jesus had to walk me through some things to grow my faith to a place where I was willing to listen the first time, where I was willing to move on faith and stay quiet enough in motion to accept small course corrections, where I was willing to say "if it be thy will" as opposed to telling Him what I want. <----This was huge. I mean massively big in my life. There's a relinquishing of power there that will blow your mind. What I had to realize was that God can do whatever He wants on any given day without any assistance from me. There is no need for me to try and do it myself because if its His will it's coming to pass. You know what the flip side of that is though? If its NOT His will, it won't. That's a very real place but you know what else is very real?

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all things will be added unto you. <---That's a fact. Check. Set. Game. Match.

You've got to walk that out. Or at least I have to. And two things have happened. I've seen parts of my character change for the better. That harkens back to what people tell me about myself. Its amazing to know that people are watching and seeing Christ in me and an example of how they might want to change some things they do themselves. Listen, this is all me and Jesus doing out thing. I'm not trying to be a beacon on a hill by any means and if you were really in my relationship with Him, you'd know I'm so very far from that but He's astoundingly faithful. What is true is that the things I say to God in my prayers are becoming truer in my own life. I'm more patient, more loving, kinder, more tenderhearted, more of all the things God is. There's a song that talks about having more of God and subsequently less of myself. That's a place I've grown to. I really like me but I can't show up everywhere as me. Me isn't needed. What's needed is God through me. For anyone to see God in me, I've got to be available and I've got to be less Phil and more of the indwelling of the Spirit.

Perseverance. That's the second thing. Some would say that's clearly a part of who I am because of all this schooling. Let me go ahead and tell you that's a smooth no. My ability to stay in school forever has nothing to do with perseverance and everything to do with  the fact that I'm curious about lots of things. This God thing? This has been the ultimate walk of remaining faithful. Everybody ain't able and for the able, it ain't easy. Ease doesn't always go with God's will. Possible goes with God's will. When I tell God I'm tired, its not because I'm unclear. Its because easy isn't always a part of it. And you know....I don't feel like what I thought I'd feel like in this. I also don't feel I did 6 months ago. Why? More of Him, less of me.

Tomorrow its back to Romans.
I'm open Lord.
I'm available.
Use me.
Amen.