Do You See What I See?

Yesterday I made a mistake. I went downstairs to work out and I was over zealous. I got right on the treadmill and ran/walked a mile. By the end my legs were on fire! Why? Because I have a slight reaction to sweat and if I don't ease into it, I start to itch. From my ankles to my knees, its awful. Its been so bad that I've scratched until I bled. The mistake was thinking I could just do what I wanted when I wanted and my body clearly tells me that that's not how this going to go.

I've made the same mistake in my relationship with God before. I've got a plan that I'm trying to execute and its not God's will. Sometimes, I know that and sometimes I don't but either way its not going to come to pass. The harder I work on my plan, the harder the consequences get for what I'm trying to do. Why? Because its not His will. Now those consequences aren't always insane. I remember when I was trying to shave some time off this schooling and I was looking at midwifery despite the fact that I knew I was going to med school deep down in the heart of hearts. Everytime I looked at it, there were more and more prerequisites that I didnt have. I was going to need to go back to undergrad for a whole year. <---No bueno. That was a clear roadblock God was throwing up.

There's another piece in being in God's will and its His timing. Lord help me, there's nothing worse than knowing God's will and being out of God's timing. Its hard because you know you've heard clearly from Him but you don't have the thing He told you about. That medical school acceptance letter didn't arrive until January 2016.

God told me I was going to medical school before the end of my 1st year of grad school. That was early 2010. Let me be a little more clear, I told God I'd get the PhD if I got the fellowship and then I'd get the MD. If I hadn't gotten the NSF, I'd have left grad school. I got the NSF. I stayed and got the PhD. I'm going to start getting the MD in about 6 weeks. God's timing is perfect but God's timing wasn't mine.  There are 6 smooth years between what He told me and when its starting to come to pass. Of course that's not a lot to God but its a significant part of my life. God had things He wanted to accomplish in me during that time.

Its so hard to be in His will when His promises to you aren't happening in that current moment. I'm learning that its not only His will that I need to be in but His timing. I can't be in front of what God is doing because when He does do it...it'll be amazing AND He'll get the glory.

I Corinthians 2:3-5

And I was in weakness and fear and great trembling [[c]after I had come] among you.

And my language and my message were not set forth in persuasive (enticing and plausible) words of wisdom, but they were in demonstration of the [Holy] Spirit and power [[d]a proof by the Spirit and power of God, operating on me and stirring in the minds of my hearers the most holy emotions and thus persuading them],

So that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men (human philosophy), but in the power of God.

Being charismatic is great but Paul is saying very clearly that he wasn't. He came before the church exactly as he is: weak, lacking persuasiveness. The church didn't see how great Paul was but how great God is. If they were convinced of Christ it wasn't because of fancy language. The more I read the Word the more I'm convinced of who God is in two ways: 1. I read about who He was to others and 2. I know who He is to me. I know that He's spoken to me and I've later found almost the same thing word for word in the Bible. I know I've trusted Him to literally lead me to the verse I need and He has. I know Him. And its not the fancy language or even the words I use here but the relationship that this writing undergirds. The writing means there's thinking. I'm meditating on my relationship. If it matters to me, I'll write about it. I write about God daily. 

Packaging matters. It matter how I show up in a room. It matters that Paul didn't show up confidently. In my profession, it matters that I'm Black. It matters that I'm a woman. It matters that I graduated from an HBCU. How I show up in the room can change the game. Paul showed up ready to let God use Him. I endeavor to do the same. Paul was just a man called by God who heeded the call. I hope I'm the same. 

When undergrads or even the junior grads hear that a young PhD is coming to talk to them and then I walk in the room....that matters. You know what else matters? What I do in there. Can I tell you that I'm always like "But by the grace of God" or something to that affect because I know! I know there is no way I come into being with God's hand in my life. I also know, you're not going to make it without Him young scholars. Be ye not deceived that it was by my own merit that I stand before you because it was nothing but the grace of God that got me this far. Transparency matters because the less visible I am, the more visible He is.

I Corinthians 2:7

But rather what we are setting forth is a wisdom of God once hidden [from the human understanding] and now revealed to us by God—[that wisdom] which God devised anddecreed before the ages for our glorification [to lift us into the glory of His presence].

You ever had to tell a truth that made no sense to anyone? You ever had to stand on the wisdom God gave you and the things He's revealed to you that looked like nonsense? You ever known something before anyone else did? Let me tell you about this thing me and God do together. If I'm quiet enough, He's constantly telling me things. Now the big things, the life changing things, the things that drive me to my knees, the things about which I need confirmation after confirmation....those things He so clearly places on my heart blow my mind. Like...really God? You're going to use me? You know what else they do?  They inspire. How? Because usually they are so far from being a reality that I know God's going to have to do it AND He's going to get the glory from it. You know what else I love? If my trust in what He's said to me is great enough and I tell someone else who believes with me, both of us are strengthened in our walks when God's promises come to pass. He's that amazing.

The level of faith the big things require is a new place God wants to grow me to cause trust me....when He tells me I'm usually like "Excuse me?" He's faithful y'all and I'm His.

I Corinthians 2:9

But, on the contrary, as the Scripture says, What eye has not seen and ear has not heard and has not entered into the heart of man, [all that] God has prepared (made and keeps ready) for those who love Him [[e]who hold Him in affectionate reverence, promptly obeying Him and gratefully recognizing the benefits He has bestowed].

Lord.....

Oh Great Jehovah...this is what we're doing today? Alright lets go there. There's so much I don't know. I recently heard a sermon by TDJakes and he talked about how powerful "I know not" is. Uncertainty is amazing. I'm walking in it right now. ITs not amazing because it feels good but because God has control if I don't. I want to be the co-pilot at best in my own life. I want to be where He wants me. 

I'm humbled by the idea that because I love Him, He has prepared a place for me. Because I love Him, He's made provision for me. Because I love Him, He's going to give me His best for my life. Relationship changes the game. I'll expand that in the next section.

I Corinthians 2:11

For what person perceives (knows and understands) what passes through a man’s thoughts except the man’s own spirit within him? Just so no one discerns (comes to know and comprehend) the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

Who here believes the Bible is true? ::raises hand:: 

Alright then....so the Bible is saying here no one can know another man's thoughts except the man himself. That will change the game. Sometimes you just have to know you can't know. You can't know the motives of another person and trying to will drive you crazy. This verse rings so true for me. I'm constantly trying to figure out why someone else wants something or does something but that's not possible. How can I know someone else's thoughts? The Word is comparing knowing what is in another man's mind to know what is in God's mind and we all know we can't know the mind of God. The Bible is making a very strong comparison here and I know its intentional.

Now....discernment and wisdom and literal Words from On High can expose to you someone else's thoughts. That's a thing...and its very real. I've experienced it in my own life in two ways and both involve God. I prayed for a sign that God show me something about someone and He did. I didn't know their thoughts in that moment per say but I knew their feelings towards the thing I asked about. I've also prayed to God and He's told me "oh don't worry about that" and the that was something I was being told but wasn't the entire true or wouldn't go on to play out like that. That's in a way knowing someone's thoughts but generally no one is going to be walking around knowing what other people are thinking.  No one's mind is open to another's less they open it. God's mind isn't open to us less He open it. How does that happen?

Indwelling of the Spirit. If the only one that can understand the thoughts of God is the Spirit of God then I've got to have the spirit living on the inside of me. I won't ever be able to interpret or even hear Him if His interpreter isn't in me. And the in me part....I've got to work on making an environment in my life that's conducive to the Spirit. This daily meal of Bible and reflection...yea the Spirit likes that!

I Corinthians 2:14

But the natural, nonspiritual man does not accept or welcome or admit into his heart the gifts and teachings and revelations of the Spirit of God, for they are folly (meaningless nonsense) to him; and he is incapable of knowing them [of progressively recognizing, understanding, and becoming better acquainted with them] because they are spiritually discerned and estimated and appreciated.

Lord, Lord, Lord. 

So let's dissect this. Remember how I was just talking about how the Spirit in me hears God and moves me in the direction I'm supposed to be going? Ok so lets take that a step further. When I hear in the natural...when I just look around and see what's going on, I wouldn't accept the things I know to be true. Why? Because none of them look true. Nothing about the way my life looks says I should have any expectation of what God has promised me. The kicker is that God promised them to me. That's done baby! How He's going to walk that out isn't on me. My role is to believe and believe I do. I believe in spite of what it looks like. 

What I also find interesting here is that the things God has or reveals can only be appreciated spiritually. When I think about what God wants to do in my marriage, I know its spiritual. I know its about a demonstration of how same gender loving can be holy and set apart and glorifying to God. I know its about breaking down the idea that SGL couples can be completed devoted to Christianity and showing that to the people around me. Its also about the fact that my wife is fine as all outside but its not primarily about that. :-) I know its about showing how God can bless what He's called you to even if other's thing that's not His will. The thing I've found out about His will is that if you're in it, the perception of what you're doing will change. Maybe not today and maybe it won't ever be verbalized but it will change. God's in the perception changing business. 

You know I didn't get it until I got it spiritually. I really didn't understand what God was telling me or why God was doing this until I stopped looking at it from a purely emotional and physical standpoint and I allowed Him to show me what it meant spiritually. I started out spiritual...asking if this was okay for me and I got that green light and took a deep sea dive into feelings. When I finally got tired of trying to do it my way and I went back to Him and said show me your way, He took me right on back to where we started: spiritual. 

I Corinthians 2:15

But the spiritual man tries all things [he [g]examines, investigates, inquires into, questions, and discerns all things], yet is himself to be put on trial and judged by no one [he can read the meaning of everything, but no one can properly discern or appraise orget an insight into him].

 Listen....nothing requires more questions than trying to be in His will. I'm constantly asking questions because I constantly calibrating to His will. Sometimes its just "Do I say this or hold that back?" or "Do I go do that thing or stay where I'm at? Give me a sign." I've asked some really tough questions too for two reasons: 1. I want to be in His will and if that's what I want I've got to ask so I can avoid things I shouldn't be doing or embrace things I should and 2. It builds my faith. Now....how can asking a tough question build faith? For me, it allows me to be completely vulnerable before God and to be taken care of no matter what His will is. Sometimes His will is no. Its often been no. But if I believe that His best is what I'll have then His no is setting me up for better. Now I've got to truth that His best for me is what He's giving me to ask some of these questions because No's are rough. Like crying in the midnight hour rough. 

One of the things God built into me is the desire to share. I see why now. The verse goes on to say no one can get insight into the spiritual man but again...openness is my way. This blog is a clear example of that. I'm fine with y'all knowing what me and God are talking about and even more so what I'm thinking about in relationship to God. You may not be able to see into me, but I'll give you a window. 

I Corinthians 2:16

For who has known or understood the mind (the counsels and purposes) of the Lord so as to guide and instruct Him and give Him knowledge? But we have the mind of Christ (the Messiah) and do hold the thoughts (feelings and purposes) of His heart.

 Can I tell you how my life changed with I stopped telling God what I wanted Him to do and started asking Him what He wants for me? Now that's not to say I don't tell Him what I want but I definitely spend a lot more time looking at what He's shown me in His Word and what's stuck out to me and asking Him if that's where He wants me. I also say "if it be your will" quite often. I'm very open-ended too. "Lord however you want to walk that out, just let me know where I need to be" is an often uttered phrase. I also talk to Him a lot about how He wants me to walk out the things we talk about. "Lord, you're telling me something but I need more instruction. How do I do this your way Father?" There's so much freedom in having less control in my relationship with God because I know He's got me. Check. God's got it handled. 

I love that we do get to know His heart though. I know His heart towards me is overflowing and unending love. And when He wants to share His thoughts, the Spirit in me picks that up and we run hard after what He's called me to.
I love that I'm never running alone or in the dark.