This is Me

Today I'm packing up all my stuff and returning to my natural habitat: solitude.

Y'all just don't know how I need this solitude back. I'm not antisocial but I am introverted, so I prefer to control the amount of contact people have with me. My cell phone is the real MVP in my life because I'm on it constantly. I love the phone. Its my connection to the outside world from my little solodolo existence. There is only one person whose company I welcome on a constant basis. The desire to be around them constantly was one of the reasons I knew something was shifting.

The same thing happened with God and our relationship. One day I realized that even though I knew about Him, I wanted to know Him for myself. And the more I knew Him for myself, the more I wanted to be with Him. Now we're in this constant thing that I love. Its not that He wasn't constantly around me before but now I'm trying to see Him in the little things and the big things. I'm looking for His presence and His hand in my life. I never want to be without Him and I never will be. What I also realize is that I can get closer to Him if I let Him lead.  If you think about it, you can be no closer to someone than if you follow them. You're letting them do the thinking and all of that for the both of you. Now normally, that's not my speed. I'm a thinker. I quite literally spent 5 years learning how to think.

Can I tell you that following God, as opposed to trying to do it on my own or trying to be in front of what He's doing, is the best place for me? It is. I've been blown away by how shifting my life in this way has changed it. I've got so much more peace because I know He's got it.
Check.
God will handle it....I just need to go on about my business and walk out the instructions I've got. One of the things He keeps impressing on my heart is that you can't lead spiritually if you're not accustomed to following spiritually. Ephesians 5 talks about how husbands need to submit to God. I may not be a husband but its so clear to me that God's saying "That's you." I've got to get my following together and it will never be where it needs to be but there's grace. There's so much space for learning to lead but I'm sure leading starts on my knees.  Use me for your service, Jesus.

Romans 13:8

Keep out of debt and owe no man anything, except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor [who practices loving others] has fulfilled the Law [relating to one’s fellowmen, meeting all its requirements].

Yea so listen...this is something a young thug has to work on. I definitely don't have my finances together which is a must in the near future. I've got to get that together. Now.....let's get into this part about loving your neighbor. Yea....that's not always fun. I've had some neighbors. Some folks who didn't make it easy for me to love them. In this moment, I'm struck by the concept that loving someone could also mean leaving them alone. Yea. That's not what people normally think of as loving but I've had to do that recently. The most loving thing I could do for someone was to disappear. And I did just that. Hard body. I've also had to love people enough to let them walk away from what they couldn't handle. Loving your neighbor isn't always gravy.

Also consider, if you're supposed to love your neighbor, you've also got to love yourself. Let me unpack that. I can't love you if I'm not healthy. I can't really do anything for you if I haven't and don't take care of myself. To be honest, my day doesn't go the way I want it to if I don't get in this devotional. Now my actual tasks get done but I quite frankly feel off kilter. I've got to do this me and God thing to show up with any kind of good sense for you people. The only love I'm capable of showing personally is a reflection of what God is drowning me in. Now, that means different things in different relationships but the source is the same. I've got to get my Jesus time in to be able to give y'all any time that's worthwhile. I can't show up for you, if I don't first show up for my part if my relationship with God.

Romans 13:9

The commandments, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not kill, You shall not steal, You shall not covet (have an evil desire), and any other commandment, are summed up in the single command, You shall love your neighbor as [you do] yourself.

I was just thinking about this the other day. The way I love romantically, takes all of these into account. I quite literally look at my love and I give her my very best. I give her what y'all don't normally see me giving myself. I'm pretty good to me. I take some of these figuratively. I wouldn't kill her spirit or take from her emotionally in a way that isn't healthy. I celebrate her. She's brilliant and beautiful. What's not to love?

Now about this adultery...
Even in light of reality, I'm still impressed by the idea that you can't know what God says to you and do otherwise. I mean you can...but the consequences of being outside of where He's told you to be are heavy. Like ton of bricks on my chest heavy. And I'm just not equipped to be without Him. I was made for relationship with God, so I'm just going to do what He's telling me. So yea, I know what's real. I also know that I can't, in good faith, give certain things away. I know there are no vows and that's what most people would require to feel like they were committing adultery but I also know that in my heart, I'd consider it adultery. I know it would torture me to do something like that. It would be adultery to the truth God's given me. If I believe what God says about my life, I've got to walk this thing out like I know Him. Its more about my relationship with Him than it is about her. I want to hear Him say "You've been faithful over a few things..."


Romans 13:13

Let us live and conduct ourselves honorably and becomingly as in the [open light of] day, not in reveling (carousing) and drunkenness, not in immorality and debauchery (sensuality and licentiousness), not in quarreling and jealousy.

LORD really? Okay....got it. This ties right back into what I was just writing about. Ok Jesus. Yes....Paul is admonishing us to live honorably and becomingly. So what I think of that is you can't say one thing and do another. You've got to have integrity about yourself. I can't consciously know one thing to be true and then do another. Like....no. This idea...it helps me stay faithful to what God's promised me. Can I tell you also that He does that Himself in and through me? Its not always easy but God's best for me is all I want and if He's told me He has something for me...actually even if He hadn't, I'd still wait. Sometimes I think He's making an example of me...like the idea that you can let your relationship with God color every other relationship. Yea...my Christianity governs my sexuality. Period.

Integrity one of the reasons I didn't stay in the closet. I came out to all these people in my public life because I just couldn't say "When I have a husband..." one more time. It was nauseating. It wasn't the truth. When people make flip little comments about men I'm just like "Yea...not my issue." Why? Because I want to walk in what's true for me and I'm not ashamed of who God's made me to be. I think about how hiding things makes them shameful and I refuse. I'm His beloved. I'll stand in the sun all day long.

Romans 13:14

But clothe yourself with the Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah), and make no provision for [indulging] the flesh [put a stop to thinking about the evil cravings of your physical nature] to [gratify its] desires (lusts).

Come ON no provision for the flesh. Let me tell you something about me: I'm not always able. I'm surely surely not. But the closer I am to God and the more diligent I am in my relationship, my quiet time, my prayer life the better I am about being moral. Its not me y'all. Its Him in me. Try it....you'll be surprised. He can do things in you you'd never believe possible.