Seasons and Changes

I've always been a person who thinks a whole lot about that future. I've never been a fully present person and I think that has protected me from some harsh realities. I need copious amounts of safe space in my life to leave my dreams and be right here, in this moment. Obviously, I'm good at staying present academically, but emotionally, I'm almost never in the space my body is in.  I find it safe to be in the now though. I'm very much in the now when I'm alone. I love being alone. I love the busyness in my kitchen and the quiet reflection of putting together a scrapbook. I love movies and being able to pause them with my space bar and freak out or be embarrassed for the character. I love worshiping God in the middle of my apartment. The now is so much safer for me when its me and Jesus.

II Corinthians 10:4

For the weapons of our warfare are not physical [weapons of flesh and blood], but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds,

I don't know about you but I don't do battle with weapons. I've never held a gun or a knife that wasn't for cooking. I took Karate briefly but I'm a lover not a fighter. The biggest battles I've ever had to fight were in my mind and for my mind. 
The fight of my life took many people to fight. My mentor told me my thinking was faulty and that I shouldn't trust it. <---Right... she told me not to trust myself. She told me to pick up the phone if I didn't know who I was and she'd tell me.  ML told me who I was every time I couldn't remember what about me was valuable and she let me hang out in her house when it honestly wasn't safe for me to be alone. My undergrad still looked up to me even though I was very clearly struggling, offering me the opportunity to excel at something I could control. My best friend let me hang out with her kid who continues to be this bright light in my life. When I told that very same best friend I wasn't sure I'd see 28 if I didn't get into medical school, that's when it got really real. I told her I was going to give it one more medical school cycle. She demanded I tell an adult I trust or she'd tell my parents. 

This is who I told....

You want to know why I belong to them? Because they knew. Because I sat in this lady's office every single time I needed to for as long as I needed to. There were days I literally went from her office to my mentor's and back. The reason I had a whole photo shoot with her is because she played a pivotal role in getting me in that robe....and that laugh. I owe K a debt of gratitude for who she's been and how she's let God use her in my life.

Those office in chemistry....that's where I got my stuff worked out. There and Atlanta. I did a whole lot of being in Atlanta just so I wouldn't be alone with myself and when I wasn't there, ML was a text message away. The destruction of my own faulty thinking took many people being where God had them to be, being who they were AND me saying that I was struggling. If my mind hadn't been fought for, by so many people other than me, I'd have lost the most valuable thing I have and I wouldn't be seeing 28 on the 9th.

The weapon God used for me was love. It was exactly who He is.

II Corinthians 10:5

5 [Inasmuch as we] refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God; and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One),

This is what my mentor taught me. One thing I love about her is that she doesn't necessarily tell you the scripture but she's giving you Biblical advice anyway. She does this all the time to folks and they always think she's so wise but usually its King Solomon or David or Paul or Jesus Himself. Kathy made sure I walked it out. But can I offer you that knowing the truth AND having someone to tell you what it is when you forget is pivotal. Its part of the reason I'm so open. I realize that had I sat in my apartment by myself and let the things that weren't true fester, I'd have been in a world of trouble. Community matters. Its essential. Its also vital to know the Word. My lack of knowledge of the Word was so apparent in that season of my life because I could worship or listen to worship at least but I couldn't speak over myself. I didn't fully know, in the Black and White of the text of God speaking to me, what He actually thought of me. Its one thing to hear someone say God has plans to prosper you and another to read your Bible and let those words wash over your heart....knowing in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God. This is God's literal voice speaking to me. If you let John 1:1 sink in and then reflect on the Word with eyes towards grace...it'll move mountains in your life. It did in mine.

II Corinthians 10:17-18

However, let him who boasts and glories boast and glory in the Lord.

18 For [it is] not [the man] who praises and commends himself who is approved and accepted, but [it is the person] whom the Lord accredits and commends.

If you don't know, now you know. I hope my whole life shouts Jesus! I know He gets the glory out of any story I might tell one day: how I got into grad school, how I moved across the country, how I lived through the near destruction of my mind, how He changed my heart towards Howard, and that I'm here now. Writing this blog about who God has been to me and for me. I know God smiles at me sometimes....I can feel it.