Night Call

So now that school isn't in session, I'm doing night call. It was great. I was on with a resident I'd known before and one I didn't. Also...no other students were on that night so it was pretty awesome.

Anyway...one of the R2s said this other R2 that I really enjoyed being on with was coming and I got excited. She was all "Why are you so interested in when he will be here?" and went on a ways about me liking me. I just tried to politely decline and say "no, I learned a lot with him and he was on the first time I was here,"

Then there was decision of body type that you find attractive. I basically said I didn't like little bodies. I didn't specify who are anything.

Finally, we were talking about rings. And I was like "This is what I like" and I showed them this band. They were all "but what engagement ring?" and I was like "none for me thanks" to which they replied "You don't like them" and went on a little while until I finally said

"I'm going to give an engagement ring."

Then....the whole night clicked for them.

They were super cool about it. They even offered to go close the door to the resident room to make sure no one heard. They told me not to tell the attendings (because they're old men and they wouldn't understand any damn way lol) but that they wouldn't tell anyone. Then they wanted to hear about my love life.

I told them there was a girl once I would have proposed to. Then they were all the way live interested. I kind of spared some details but lets just say they were pleased I wasn't in that situation any more. We talked about religion and sexuality and had a pretty lively discussion which for them came down to what I've also found in the Bible. They'd seen and read the same and felt as I do about not judging folks, about that which convicts you is a sin but may not be a sin for another, about what love is and where it comes from and how a manifestation of what God says in the Bible can't be both God and sin. It was truly a lovely conversation.

I told them I toy sometimes with talking to her. They were NOT here for that.

They both agreed that I should be selfish and fight for my happiness. If my happiness comes at the cost of not talking to her, I should stay the course, they said.

I'd never heard of the idea of fighting for your happiness but in a sense, I guess I'm doing that every single day I don't re-enter the emotional minefield that was our relationship.

I miss her no doubt but I don't miss how I felt. I told them I'd go back if she ever wanted me and wanted to do the work of reconciling with her faith and living and honest open life that would include marriage and children. Yes, I still want that with her and yet, I still fight for my own happiness. Its a strange reality but it works.

It was interesting how as an out person, its so hard to not be out when having personal conversations about life. Like I was dancing around it for hours with them and finally I was like "You know what? This is BS." I told them because honestly, how can you actually know someone or even have a decent convo with me about life without me telling you. Anything else is me playing at the conversation, not being in it.

Anyway, it was a super cool experience. They also told me that I don't have to tell anyone I'm interviewing with for residency that I'm gay. So yea, that was my first time coming out to residents and it went well. Every time I come out and it goes well, I'm thrilled not only for myself but for the world because guess what? Life is so much better in the sun!