Anywhere

I don't really know what I prayed for last night. All I know is Psalm 44 was laid on my heart this morning and it resonated with me.

We’ve been hearing about this, God,
    all our lives.
Our fathers told us the stories
    their fathers told them,
How single-handedly you weeded out the godless
    from the fields and planted us,
How you sent those people packing
    but gave us a fresh start.
We didn’t fight for this land;
    we didn’t work for it—it was a gift!
You gave it, smiling as you gave it,
    delighting as you gave it.

You’re my King, O God—
    command victories for Jacob!
With your help we’ll wipe out our enemies,
    in your name we’ll stomp them to dust.
I don’t trust in weapons;
    my sword won’t save me—
But it’s you, you who saved us from the enemy;
    you made those who hate us lose face.
All day we parade God’s praise—
    we thank you by name over and over.

I know what this feels like. This is what all of my past says is true. This is what I've seen God do time and time again. This is who I know God to be. This is also the faith of my youth. This is not faith that's been matured.

But now you’ve walked off and left us,
    you’ve disgraced us and won’t fight for us.
You made us turn tail and run;
    those who hate us have cleaned us out.
You delivered us as sheep to the butcher,
    you scattered us to the four winds.
You sold your people at a discount—
    you made nothing on the sale.

You made people on the street,
    urchins, poke fun and call us names.
You made us a joke among the godless,
    a cheap joke among the rabble.
Every day I’m up against it,
    my nose rubbed in my shame—
Gossip and ridicule fill the air,
    people out to get me crowd the street.

All this came down on us,
    and we’ve done nothing to deserve it.
We never betrayed your Covenant: our hearts
    were never false, our feet never left your path.
Do we deserve torture in a den of jackals?
    or lockup in a black hole?

If we had forgotten to pray to our God
    or made fools of ourselves with store-bought gods,
Wouldn’t God have figured this out?
    We can’t hide things from him.
No, you decided to make us martyrs,
    lambs assigned for sacrifice each day.

And this is how I feel sometimes as well. When have my feet strayed God? When did I break the covenants You've given me? Even when tempted, much like Job, I've stood steadfast in what I know to be true. Sometimes it seems that those who do ungodly things get to have what they want but I fast and pray and wait..... 

On really good days I know that's not the case. On really good days I know that the waiting is good for me, that it grows my faith and my perseverance and makes it possible for me to walk out the impossible plan you have for my life. I know everything works together for my good. I know Your will is what's best for me. I know all of that cognitively and on good days I'm walking that out real faithfully.

But on not so good days I watch people with my earthly eyes doing all types of things and seemingly getting everything they want any way. I see myself living this life that many consider one of unnecessary sacrifice. I see myself endeavoring to stay on the straight and narrow but that path doesn't feel like its leading anywhere. I just seem to be walking and walking and spectating life as opposed to living it. If I wasn't so bound to my relationship with you, I could participate in these fun albeit morally questionable behaviors but I don't. I don't because even on the bad days....
I still believe.

Get up, God! Are you going to sleep all day?

    Wake up! Don’t you care what happens to us?

Why do you bury your face in the pillow?

    Why pretend things are just fine with us?

And here we are—flat on our faces in the dirt,

    held down with a boot on our necks.

Get up and come to our rescue.

    If you love us so much, Help us!

I know I've asked You to do things and I'm believing You will. I know You're going to keep being who I know You to be. Today....today's just not one of those good days. Today the maturing of my faith hurts.

This too shall pass
Like every night that's come and gone before it
I'm so glad he never gives your nor me
more than you 
can bear
this too shall pass
so in this thought you be comforted
for its in His hands
this too shall pass

What I love about our relationship is that I can question You and You continue to perfect my faith despite my humanness. I won't and can't understand what You're doing but its for my good. So yea, I'm still with you and still on the path because even if I can't see where I'm going, I'll go anywhere with You.

Amen
Amen
Amen
Forever and Forever 
Amen