Yes, I am often moved by the Spirit but yesterday I cried because they read my graduation announcement. Pastor had me stand up and the entire church gave me a standing ovation. So yea....I cried. I've been a member of this church since I was in utero. I love that they're proud of me. Pastor called me a "Motivational opportunity" and talked about how I inspire the youth around me. I actually didn't hear this part...my mom told me afterwards. Yup I'm a cry baby.
This obviously ties back into the theme of belonging but I've got a different thing to say today. Last night when I told someone else about this situation who happens to know I'm gay, they were like "you know the church isn't expecting any foolishness out of you" as if to say that the way I love isn't good enough...that homosexual love is foolish. Yes, I belong to the church but who I love and how isn't their business. And even if it was, the person they've seen me become and helped shape is all the things they should want me to be: kind, considerate, helpful, loving, interested in children, and devoutly Christian. I was struck by the idea that you can belong to someone and that belonging doesn't require you to change who you are fundamentally. It may require you to change the way you treat them but who you are? No one needs me to be less Black to be in a relationship with me. No one needs me to be right handed either. If either of these things were required, I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do about that. The same thing is true about who I love. It just is. If you don't love me simply because who I love isn't who you want me to love....I can't do a single thing about that.
What I love about God though... belonging to Him changes you but doesn't require you to do the changing. The Spirit is on top of all the changing I'm going through. I've given some considerable effort in my relationship with God from my point of view but I can't do anything that will ever be worthy of the grace He extends me. God knows exactly who I am and He chose me anyway. Jesus died for me, not despite who I am, but because He wanted a relationship with me. If He wants me....I'm good.
Romans 9:15-16
For He says to Moses, I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy and I will have compassion (pity) on whom I will have compassion.
So then [God’s gift] is not a question of human will and human effort, but of God’s mercy.
Yea...I didn't do that on purpose. I had no idea what the first scripture for today said. Y'all know He likes to handle me like this. That last paragraph about belonging to God goes right on into this. He's extending compassion and mercy because its who He is. There is nothing I'll ever do to earn anything from God. The only thing I'm due is death because sin is very much a part of my life despite my own efforts. I fail miserably often, I fall short of the mark every single time and every single time His mercy is like freshly baked banana bread in the morning. He's got a fresh, piping hot dose of compassion for me and I need it. The gift of belonging to Him is that I don't have to do anything but surrender to Him and He's got the rest. I'd love to say I trust Him fully and I do on good days. Doubt is real but so is His faithfulness. He's perfecting my faith all the time and its the most amazing and terrifying experience but I believe. I believe more of my bad days than I ever have. Oh Great Jehovah, you're so much more than I could ever hope for, dream, or imagine. You just are.
Romans 9:18
So then He has mercy on whomever He wills (chooses) and He hardens (makes stubborn and unyielding the heart of) whomever He wills
So this is a hard one. Yea...God has mercy on us but He can also not have mercy on us. Sometimes in my life He's wanted to push me and He has.....hard. I knew someone was in my life specifically because God placed her there and when she wasn't there any more I didn't...no couldn't understand. I know a lot more about that now but in that moment, I was just without. And not only without but without the one I thought He'd sent me to show me a certain type of maternal love. So yea....that didn't feel good. And it wasn't good for a long time. I went to counseling and everything.
Now...on the back end of figuring that whole thing out I can see what He did but it wasn't easy or comfortable when He was doing it. It shook me that He could give me something and tell me He had and then take that thing back. Can I offer that I learned a lot by losing her? Because the truth of that is that if you love someone and you sever communication with them, they are essentially gone. Now God can take anyone from anywhere and bring them right on back to you but until He actually does that they are gone. I had to feel what that felt like. And it felt like hell. Half the reason the pages of my Bible are wrinkled is because of that situation. In the midst of all of that....I actually started reading my Bible. Like for reals. I never ever conceived of the idea that this person I'd loved who was no longer a part of my life, would be again. I thought that was it. Finished. Done.
When I tell you He's done such an amazing job in the part with the mercy that I'm dumbstruck. I never thought I'd have her back like this. I never thought we'd get here. I never thought she'd do the work. I honestly didn't think she wanted this any more but she does. Can I offer that if she hadn't I'd have been okay? I would have been....because I did the work. I felt all that stuff and more and I was fine. I was so fine that God had to tell me directly "hey girl, let her back in."
Trust Him y'all. He's got this thing. And tell yourself to trust Him until you do. Doubt is real. So is He.
Romans 9:21
Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same mass (lump) one vessel for beauty and distinction and honorable use, and another for menial or ignoble anddishonorable use?
God can do what He wants to do. Like...period. What I love about knowing that He died on the cross for me is that He wants me to have more than I could ever ask for. He wants me to have life more abundantly and not only that but to have it with Him. There's something different about being a Christian. It means that all those things, beautiful things the Bible talks about are mine. They're my inheritance. I know that God can do whatever He wants and I also know His word doesn't return void. I'm so thankful that in my free will, I chose Him. Its the only decision I've ever made that matters.
Romans 9:25
Just as He says in Hosea, Those who were not My people I will call My people, and her who was not beloved [I will call] My beloved.
Beloved. I love this word. I use it all the time with my own beloved. The dictionary says it means dearly loved. That's how I feel about her. But I'm human and I'm only but so capable of loving. I love her as much as I love myself but that pales in comparison to the way God loves. God loves us to death and back to life. Like.....what? He loves us in ways we can't really comprehend. If His thoughts are higher than ours, than His love is too. Belonging....being called His own means everything to me. It actually means life...more boldly lived and brightly imagined than I'll ever know.
Romans 9:27
And Isaiah calls out (solemnly cries aloud) over Israel: Though the number of the sons of Israel be like the sand of the sea, only the remnant (a small part of them) will be saved [[b]from perdition, condemnation, judgment]!
Everyone who thinks they belong to Him doesn't. I'm so acutely aware of that fact. He will tell some that He doesn't know them. I'm glad I'm not one of those people. I know I know Him for myself. And as the old people say...."He's alright."
Romans 9:30-32
What shall we say then? That Gentiles who did not follow after righteousness [who did not seek salvation by right relationship to God] have attained it by faith [a righteousness imputed by God, based on and produced by faith],
Whereas Israel, though ever in pursuit of a law [for the securing] of righteousness (right standing with God), actually did not succeed in fulfilling the Law.
For what reason? Because [they pursued it] not through faith, relying [instead] on the merit of their works [they did not depend on faith but on what they could do]. They have stumbled over the Stumbling Stone.
Listen...works won't work. Let that foolishment go! Please! Let it go! Faith is the only way you can have a relationship with Him. I use to think I could be good enough but let me tell you something. I have a much better view of myself and an ever growing view of God and I know its only by faith. There's nothing I can do worth anything. All the things I've done that are good are because He dwells within me. This relationship calls for one thing from me: faith. And that faith produced surrender and that surrender produces peace. I'm so grateful for who He is and who He's making me. I just want to be like Him.
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