He is the Truth

I've got worth issues. I always have. Its some parts imposter syndrome and some parts lack of early assurance that I was good enough, not just my grades. I don't often dwell on them but they're there. Below the surface, they're down there hanging out.

"You know you're not good enough"
"You know you're not that smart"
"They didn't accept your dissertation without revisions"
"You know you're not that pretty"
"You're annoying"
"No one is really going to want to be with you long term"
"No one is going to love you"

But God! See God does this thing in me that says

"You're lovely"
"I'm jealous for your heart"
"I love you, even unto death"
"You're my beloved"
"I've brought you this far"
"I'll never leave of forsake you"

And its not like all those other things go away. Those other statements are still there but the truth is what God says about me. Can I offer that despite knowing that in my head, I don't feel it all the time? Because that is the bare naked truth. Sometimes I let those first statements be louder than what God is telling me about who I am. That's why I need to do this work. That's why I've got to seek His face and read His word. I've got to get on my knees and listen to this gospel music so that I can reinforce the truth in my life. And sometimes...listening to Gospel has been literally all I could muster. Can I tell you He's faithful if you let Him in? What I love about Christianity is that it requires us to permit God to be with us. He wants to be but He's not going to force Himself on us. Listen, I need Him to be with me cause that first list has literally put me in the bed, on my back.

I love God, not only for who He is but for who He says I am. If I ever need a boost in confidence, I slide right on into Psalms because it tells me who my God is and thus where my help comes from. God can also use people in this way. The beautiful thing about having people around you who you can be transparent with is that they know these things about you. People in my innermost circle know that that first list exists in my head and you know what they do? They also tell me the truth. We were created for community and mine....mine is top notch.

Romans 10:4

For Christ is the end of the Law [the limit at which it ceases to be, for the Law leads up to Him Who is the fulfillment of its types, and in Him the purpose which it was designed to accomplish is fulfilled. That is, the purpose of the Law is fulfilled in Him] as the means of righteousness (right relationship to God) for everyone who trusts in and adheres to andrelies on Him.

 Y'all......By now...like over 200 entries in....y'all know me. Y'all know my ways. Okay, maybe you don't know all of them but can I tell you that they aren't law keeping ways? There is NO BLACK WAY I could, can, or will ever be able to keep the law. And I think the law is so confining for some because instead of knowing Him, you just try to keep the law. Can I tell you that nothing you do will ever be good enough and no work of your hands will ever be worthy? Because it won't. There's grace for that. There's grace for the fact that you're human so let it go. Yes, we should strive to do good thing by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit dwelling in us but guess what? That happens through relationship. That doesn't happen by trying to keep the law.
I use to think I was so holy because I've been celibate so long but I wasn't celibate because I believed my body was the temple of the Lord or because I felt He wanted that type of sacrifice from me. I was celibate so I could say I was and boast about it honestly. I just wanted to be like "Everybody ain't able but I am cause I'm so holy." <---Not cute at all. Let me tell you about how the Lord has worked with me on that. He's been so much more gracious to be in that than I'd ever thought He would be. His words to me on the subject "Can you say forsaking all others you would choose her?" God's looking for devotion to a single person from me. What's He looking for from you? That's what relationship will do for you.

Romans 10:8-9

But what does it say? The Word (God’s message in Christ) is near you, on your lips and in your heart; that is, the Word (the message, the basis and object) of faith which we preach,

Because if you acknowledge and confess with your lips that Jesus is Lord and in your heart believe (adhere to, trust in, and rely on the truth) that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.

So salvation is two fold. You've got to believe it in your heart and you've got to confess it. So I know uttering words isn't difficult but that heart thing....that heart thing is real. God wants to know you believe for real. And He will know....don't think you can hide from Him. I've been blessed to believe a long time but I know that faking the funk with God, even just a little, isn't going to work. In my relationship with Him, when I'm doubting, He's right there like "You know I know." And He does. He's been so faithful in the times I've doubted to give me extra confirmation of what He's said. Even when He doesn't though, I've got the Word. The Word says "I am that I am." Trust Him...He's never failed before.

Romans 10:10

For with the heart a person believes (adheres to, trusts in, and relies on Christ) and so is justified (declared righteous, acceptable to God), and with the mouth he confesses (declares openly and speaks out freely his faith) and confirms [his] salvation.

I'm listening to Justified right now. Its one of my favorites. Its the belief in Christ that makes us acceptable because with belief comes the washing away of our iniquities. The work of the cross is only for you if you believe it was. You've got to believe. 

The thing about belief is its not that easy. You can say you believe but if in your quiet time you don't,  then you don't. Lord, help my unbelief is a whole, complete, and entire prayer. And I pray it often over the things He's promised me. You can pray it over having faith at all. There are so many places where I need help believing. Can I tell you He's benevolent in that? There's loving kindness there. And that that same loving kindness God gives you....you can give some to yourself. I try really hard not to beat myself up when I recognize doubt in myself and just tell God "Hey, I still need some help in this area." He's got that. He's the ultimate source of help.

Romans 10:11

The Scripture says, No man who believes in Him [who adheres to, relies on, and trusts in Him] will [ever] be put to shame or be disappointed.

Never have I ever been ashamed or disappointed by God. Can I tell you that perspective is what allows me to say that? Somehow, someway I've always known that He was for me. Before I really know Him for myself, I knew that. And even after I knew Him and I wasn't getting what t thought I should be, I still knew it wasn't God's fault.

 I will say this. I use to think I was a pawn. I thought God used me and moved me around to do His will but He wasn't interested in what makes me happy. That was back in the day when I didn't really know who He'd made me to be. I'd spent years praying for things that I thought I wanted that I really didn't want. I'd prayed prayers that were a manifestation of loneliness, not my heart's true desire. Can I tell you that when I was hurt by what I thought God was doing that that was a perspective issue? It was. I perceived Him a certain way instead of believing what the Word says about who He is and observing the data in my life that said otherwise. Because He wasn't doing this specific thing, I took that as my sole proof that He didn't care what I really wanted it. Now as a scientist, I'd never base anything on a single piece of data but I wasn't a scientist then. When you know better, you do better. He wants abundantly above what I can ask or imagine for me. That's the truth. I'm clinging to that.

Romans 10:15

And how can men [be expected to] preach unless they are sent? As it is written, How beautiful are the feet of those who bring glad tidings! [How welcome is the coming of those who preach the good news of His good things!]

Sometimes, God sends you places. Sometimes He sends you people. Can I tell you that I've been blessed each and every time He's sent me somewhere or to someone? I have been. And according to the people He's sent me, they were blessed too. (That embarrasses me slightly but hey...what can you do?) On a slightly less spiritual note, I have beautiful feet. I actually pride myself on it and protect them diligently by wearing shoes that don't rub against them. I paint them, soak them, and take care of them. Can I tell you that we should protect our hearts the same way? I don't let things that will rub me the wrong way come around me. I don't let people who don't endeavor to do good to me get too close. I've only given my heart away a few times and I've only let people sow into my heart after they've proven themselves. Can I tell you that doesn't always work though? I've had to hide my heart in God so that its truly safe. He's safe. <--That much I know for sure. Because He's safe and my heart is protected, I can show you a much better, more loving, kinder, and more compassionate person. I am made my beautiful by my relationship with Him.