Psalm 51: 1-3
O loving and kind God, have mercy. Have pity upon me and take away the awful stain of my transgressions. 2 Oh, wash me, cleanse me from this guilt. Let me be pure again. 3 For I admit my shameful deed—it haunts me day and night.
Sin just plain feels bad. I feel like everyone knows what it feels like when you do something wrong and you know your parents are going to find out and be disappointed. Multiply that by 1000X and that's what it feels like to sin for me. Fortunately, Jesus made a tremendous sacrifice on the cross so that we can be washed with His blood and made clean before our God. He also tore the veil, which I so key. Without the veil which separated the Holy of Holies where God dwelled from the common folk, we now have access to God directly. This whole relationship is possible because the veil was ripped. God created a way for our relationship to exist AND in that relationship He continuously have fresh and new mercies for us.
Psalm 51:6
Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart.
I think for me this speaks to me knowing that I know Him and that our relationship is solid. Lots of people try to tell you what's right and wrong, especially if your gay. Admitting that truth changed my whole relationship with Him because it was like I finally knew who I was so I finally approached Him completely, raw and naked. I'd finally figured out who He'd made me to be. I'd finally walked into my truth. Also, the increased intimacy of my relationship with Him is so necessary when people try to convince you that homosexuality is wrong or that you can't be right with God and gay. I know my relationship with my Heavenly Father is like the tree planted by the water and you won't tell me otherwise. I think the most beautiful thing about all of this is that I discovered it within the context of an already firmly rooted relationship with God. My Christianity continues to inform my homosexuality because wisdom was already planted there. The way I walk out my life is based on my faith.
Psalm 51:10
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me
Lord, I want to be pure before you. I now the blood of the lamb was slain for my sins and for the restoration of my relationship with you. I still want to aspire to and give a more perfect effort to keeping my heart righteous. I so want to be without blame and though this will never be the case I can try and the Lord can enable me to do all things including renewing my spirit. One of the most beautiful things about Christ is his steadfast love towards us. Having a spirit that persists through all things is another area wherein I've been tested but I still have room to grow. I know that I'm not always good at waiting. Even though waiting is good for me and for the building of my faith, sometimes its just plain hard. It just is and that's when I need God to help me remain faithful.
Psalm 51:12
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit
Salvation is joyful! I've literally been saved from myself and the wages of sin, which are death, and given new life in Christ for all of eternity. That's huge. There's nothing bigger or more important. Becoming a Christian is the most important decision I've ever made or will make. Sometimes its hard to remember that when smaller things and prayers about different circumstances go unanswered but we have to remember that if He didn't do another single thing for us He's already done enough. Its enough.
Psalm 51:17
My sacrifice to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise.
The thing I think many people miss and even I have missed by a mile in my walk with Christ is that repentance requires a contrite heart. There's a gospel song that says "Break my heart for what breaks yours" and this is what it means to be contrite. The sins I commit against God are as hurtful to me as they are to Him. You see you can't confess something that you aren't ready to say you were wrong about. Knowing something is wrong and being sad that you did the wrong thing are not the same. When I was younger I thought confession was just a list but confession is really about turning away from things that strain your relationship with God for me. Sin strains my relationship so I know I have to go to God and make my confession and be sorry in my being that I did these things. Its got to be real.
Psalm 52:8-9
But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God; I trust in and confidently rely on the loving-kindness and the mercy of God forever and ever.
I will thank You and confide in You forever, because You have done it [delivered me and kept me safe]. I will wait on, hope in and expect in Your name, for it is good, in the presence of Your saints.
I love the imagery of a tree planted by the water. Its so fitting. Soaking up water which represents spirit and the essence of God as well as unmovable. Always attached to the source. God is ultimately the only person I tell the truth to completely because He is in my mind. He knows my thoughts before I think them. This level of intimacy is only possible because of who God is. Somewhere in the old testament, God says "I will behave out of who I am, not what you deserve." That's always stuck with me. God is good period. This reality is key.
Psalm 54:2
Hear my pleading and my prayer, O God; give ear to the words of my mouth.
As someone praying some pretty big prayers, I so desperately hope that God is listening and I know He is. I wait expectantly for the Lord. His word is true and just and its always what's best for me. I'm also believing for some breakthroughs an I need the Lord to hear the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart. I pray that all are acceptable and I know I can continue to boldly approach the God of my salvation for answers and explanations. Relationship y'all. Relationship matters.
Psalm 55:2
Attend to me and answer me; I am restless and distraught in my complaint and must moan
Listen. Sometimes you have to moan. Sometimes you have to let the Lord hear the distress in your voice and in your life. Sometimes you have to be really real about how hard this walk is. Its definitely not been easy even a majority of the time but its been worth it. Its also been peaceful when it was the right thing. And sometimes the right thing isn't easy but its peaceful. I have such peace about such a complex and complicated situation in my life because the Lord has answered me. In my complete and utter restlessness He inclined His ear unto me and gave me rest.
Psalm 55:22a
Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you
God is always ready to shoulder your burden. He's always there to help. Do you trust Him to do exactly what He said He would do?
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