Join me...

I told her it wasn't going to work out.

I need time.

I couldn't just go from wanting to marry a girl I've loved for a decade and been in love with for 2 years to a whole new situation. 

I'd never even envisioned loving anyone but her so a whole section of my life is new.

I need time.

I need to get to a place where I actually feel like its possible for someone to be worth my effort.

Because right now, I know that my effort, my very best wasn't good enough and that makes me not want to try ever again.

I need to believe I'm actually good enough for someone to want to be with me.

I know that cognitively but I need to believe it, in the same way I believed before.

And I knew this was coming. The scripture was clear. And she did give me things, valuable things.

Ultimately, we had reached the end of that season.'

I need to get myself together so I can actually get married.

Cause that's happening. 

I know I've always acted as though that's not something I'm invested in, but I am.

I'm deeply invested in being married and scared to death that it'll never happen.

That's why I pretend it doesn't matter....because it really really matters but its not in my control.

So yea....there's some work to do. 

Join me on this journey. 

I'm definitely going to learn some things and maybe you'll learn something too.