You Make Me Happy

He really does. He's more than I could have imagined and everything I'll ever need.

Psalm 21:2

You have given him his heart’s desire and have not withheld the request of his lips.

He has. I've wanted  so much and asked for so much.  I prayed about medical school for over a year.  It was my heart's earnest plea. I knew I couldn't spend the rest of my life in a lab even if it is something I'm fairly skilled at. God knew it too. And though He didn't answer in the way I wanted He answered in the best way possible for my life. Despite a very competitive application, I was interview at one place this year and admitted to that place. As my Dad always said "You only need one" and God literally gave me one option. He knows I need pretty clear direction ;-)

There are things I'm still praying for and I know that God won't withhold His blessings from me even if what I want is something I shouldn't have. He may not give me the request I made with my mouth but the prayers I've prayed with my heart, the intention behind them, has always been answered. He's so good y'all.

Psalm 21:6

For You make him to be blessed and a blessing forever; You make him exceedingly glad with the joy of Your presence

The Lord has made me to be a blessing to others through the blessings He's given me. I know that the joy I've had for years is from Him. All my coworkers in the lab are foreign and when I first got that they all told me that if I was this happy all the time back where they are from, people would think I was on drugs. That was just me and my awesome relationship with Jesus. No chemical assistance needed! I know that joy was something that my bestie YiLing really wanted to have and intrigued her about this Jesus.  Jesus has made me exceedingly happy. I find that when I'm fasting and especially when I'm perpetually listening to Gospel, I can't stop smiling. I love that I can literally grab a worship song and be in my happy place in less than 3 minutes. God can, God will, and God does. I'm so unworthy but He thinks I'm worth everything.

Psalm 22:1

My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? Why are You so far from helping me, and from the words of my groaning?

I don't want y'all to think its always been easy. It hasn't been. Its been difficult. Its been bone chillingly cold. When I was praying about medical school and it looked like it wasn't going to happen I felt the way this verse says. Why was God forsaking me? But what I didn't put in the front of my mine when I was crying and depressed was "ALL things work together." In the time I wasn't getting what I was praying for, God wasn't forsaking me. I needed to wait. I didn't want to and I took that to be God not caring about my desires but that wasn't it at all. This is a lesson I've had to learn twice now and I think I'm getting it. God saying no has nothing to do with my prayer life or fasting life. Sometimes He's saying no because there is better for me. There's more that He wants for me. Nebraska was the definition of wanting more for me, more than UNC could offer. Howard is the same. It's more than I could have conceived of. No isn't God forsaking you, sometimes its Him saving you.

Psalm 22:9-10

Yet You are He Who took me out of the womb; You made me hope and trust when I was on my mother’s breasts
I was cast upon You from my very birth; from my mother’s womb You have been my God.

I'm a Christian from the cradle. I attended my home church in my mother's womb. I'm a died in the wool African Methodist Episcopal Zionite. Fortunately, that means I've been surrounded by religion all my life however that doesn't make me a Christian. I remember coming to faith in 4th grade at a Baptist Church Vacation Bible School. There's a huge difference between being at church and believing what they're saying at church. I'm so grateful for being raised in the church. I'm so glad I know that I know that I knew yesterday that I'll know tomorrow that God is, and God was, and God shall be. Even though I went begrudgingly, I'm glad I went to Sunday School so that I have some foundational information about the Bible though every Christian must search it for themselves and work out their own salvation. The working it out on my own really happened in college where I tried out different churches and definitely in Omaha. It took me a few years to find my church and I still love that Church to this day! I think spending my childhood in the church has made church home for me. Everywhere I go, I can go home. I thought going to college would cause me to be all "I don't have to go because my mom isn't making me" and the exact opposite happened. I went to church all the time in college cause I wanted to go home.

Psalm 22:26

The poor and afflicted shall eat and be satisfied; they shall praise the Lord—they who [diligently] seek for, inquire of and for Him, and require Him [as their greatest need]. May your hearts be quickened now and forever!

They who seek....Lord knows I'm a seeker. I have no greater need that God. Everything I do is about the relationship I have with Him. I need Him all the time. One of my favorite hymns of the old church starts with "I need thee, Oh I need Thee. Every hour I need thee."  You talk about an earnest prayer?!?!?! That right there is one for me.  My other favorite saying is "Father I stretch my hand to thee. No other help do I know" because its the absolute bottom line truth.

Psalm 24:6

This is the generation [description] of those who seek Him [who inquire of and for Him and of necessity require Him], who seek Your face, [O God of] Jacob. 

I hope this for my generation. It is my prayer that my generation be a generation of prayer and supplication unto God. I don't feel that way but I want for everyone to know God. This relationship enhances every other relationship I have because it helps me see you through a lens of love. God loves you just like He loves me and I should treat everyone accordingly. Moreover, my behavior and moral compass are steeped and rooted in the Word of God. I realize you can be a "good" person without religion but I don't want to be good. I want to be righteous.

Psalm 25:14

The secret [of the sweet, satisfying companionship] of the Lord have they who fear (revere and worship) Him, and He will show them His covenant and reveal to them its [deep, inner] meaning

The Lord is ever present with me. His presence never leaves me. Even when I can't see my way clear, He's there. My worship helps me see Him more clearly because He's always near. The thing about God is that not only is He near but He's right here. He's within me guiding my every step. He is my soul's deepest love. The other thing I love about the Lord is that He does reveal deeper meaning to me for things. I know that can seem creepy to some but its so soothing to me. When things don't look like they will be or should be, He renew my faith. That belief in things that have no evidence has carried me through many spaces that looked uninhabitable. Sometimes, He tells me about other people and sometimes revelation is just for me. Right now I'm walking and believing in promises no one has seen come to pass but God has set it upon my heart that this is and will be. The ways in which He's built my faith and then tested it have been astounding. "Do you believe me for this? Would you give this up for me?" have been two huge questions I've been asked in a multitude of areas throughout my life. All things not somethings, Phil.

Psalm 25:2-21

O keep me, Lord, and deliver me; let me not be ashamed or disappointed, for my trustand my refuge are in You.
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for and expect You.

Let the things you bring me not disappoint me. That's big. As a mere human I can't possibly see that the things He does give me are so much better than the things I've asked for. That's why intention is so important in prayer for me. I've prayed for many things by name and I've received them by description. What sustains me in my belief is not only evidence through looking at what He has given me but also looking back at the thing I said I wanted and seeing how it could have been detrimental to me. I've been very strict with myself as far as behavior goes for a long time but in my relationship with the Lord, especially after I walked into who I am in totality, I've found great freedom in my uprightness. The manner in which I go about different things, the standards I demand let me continue to stand in the glory of the Lord as opposed to hiding from Him. I find that my integrity allows me not to feel ashamed because I've done nothing shameful. I walk into worship, face lifted up to God because He gives me such peace. You know how people say "If I'd known I would have done things differently." I think that too sometimes but I know that the way I let my faith inform my behavior keeps me open and vulnerable to God and pleasing in His sight. I just want to be pleasing to my God. The way I feel I have to do that is unique to me but its also beautiful. Its also purifying. Its an act of worship.