Eyespace

There are some things better left unseen.

Maybe unseen isn't the right word. 

You know how you can know something but you don't want to watch it?

Examples….

You know I've got them.

- Men over a certain age have prostate exams. I'd say watching isn't very sexy.

- No one is lining up to be in the audience to see lighting instruments hung before a Beyoncé concert.

- Any and all colorectal surgeries are OUT!


Let's think of some more benign examples

- how your favorite "not so good for you pork bbq" is actually made
- how much work it actually takes to maintain the rose gardens you love seeing in the spring
- your lover has to have serious work done on those feet every two weeks to keep them looking like you're accustomed to
- how exactly are McDonald's chicken nuggets made?

There are lots of things most people don't want in their eye space. Some are gross a la medical procedures and some are just things you're not interested in watching.

Sometimes you have to monitor your eye space. There are things you just don't care to watch. You have to limit your exposure to things that disturb you or cause turmoil in your life. I've found that though difficult, my wellbeing is tied to making sure that the things around me are things that I'm okay with seeing. Now some basic things bother some people and don't bother others.

Key example: My mother hates open drawers. I couldn't care less about the drawers to my dresser being open but it bothers her eye space.

I'm talking about more complex things. For some people its difficult to watch someone else have a loving exchange with their father because the observer's father wasn't in their life. For some people its difficult to understand why someone would want their mother in the delivery room coaching them through birth because the observer's mother is so judgmental that they wouldn't be able to relax.

I'm about to drop some truth…you ready? Here it goes...

For me, its hard to watch couples. I usually turn my head when they kiss or greet each other. I love that you have that in your life, but I don't want it in my eye space. I don't generally like to watch because  romance is not a part of my life. I'm not someone who has romantic love in their life. Me and romance haven't seen each other in at least 6 years. To some degree its by design. Romantic love is tumultuous and my entire life, when influenced by romance, is like a tiny ship in the great big ocean.

My heart just can't take it.

I have almost no control over my own life under the influence of romance.

My ability to function is directly tied to romantic relationships and when they're good I'm super productive and when the relationship sours, my entire life grinds to a halt.  I never understand why someone isn't treating me nicely. I try and do anything and everything to make them happy and if that isn't enough for them to love me back, then I'm not enough. And that feeling of not enough brings my life to a screeching halt.
I'm talking no work gets done, no emails get replied to, no experiments get conducted, no food gets cooked. I'm talking all I do is stream Netflix on my laptop continuously for days on end. I can watch 13+ hours of TV in one sitting . You don't learn to do that by accident. I learned to do that because of heart break.

The other reason romance isn't a part of my life is because no one think of romance when they look at me. They see reliable, dependable, trustworthy, shoulder to cry on, intellectual, kind, caring, and considerate and you know what those add up to? Friend. I am the quintessential friend.

Eye space.
Keeping mine clear keeps my mind functional and my heart uninjured.  Most of the time, I can rise above the desire to love someone as long as I don't have to see someone else doing so.

Most of the time.