So I guess the starts with breaking up with my ex. Well sort of. I had been admitted to a summer program at UNC and I was stoked to get in. Undergraduate summer research paid really well and I was all about that. Despite the fact that I had no intention of getting a PhD at that point, I wanted this program bad. A fellow Hamptonian had been in it and spoke highly of the people and one particular person, Dr. A.
Around my ex's graduation from college we had a fight. Well to be specific it was after he graduated and he had this habit of getting mad at me and breaking up with me. Then he'd call me back a few hours later and ask me what I'd learned?
Yes...you read that correctly. A grown man would blow up at me and then ask me, another grown person, what I had learned and how I was going to be a better girlfriend. I know... I know. I got a full ride to college and I still didn't know better for a long time than to allow this to happen. The re-entry of ML into my life helped me make better relationship decisions and at this point I was done.
When he asked me what I'd learned, I made sure this was the last time that would happen. My response "I've learned that I like being single and I think its a great thing for me." I can't tell you how the rest of that conversation went but I was a free woman for the first time in 2.5 years and I loved it.
Yup...sleeping peacefully after ending that nonsense!
So I went to UNC, newly single and looking for myself really.
What you don't know is that my ex and I weren't intellectually compatible. Y'all want to digress a little. Let me share this little nugget of complete and utter BS.
One time, while I was with him he had an hour long conversation with me about how he was a better catch than I was because Black women with degrees are a dime a dozen but Black men weren't and since he was going to have a college degree (which I earned half of but you know...it was my contribution to Black manhood) he thought he was the prize in our relationship. Yea...he said that to my face. O________O
I made sure to reassure him that I was still the prize. I'm the one that continues to have no student loan debt. ;-)
Digress end!
So when we had our very cross talk where we would really interface with the people running the program I was how you say "a little high on the horse." I made some statement about how some people just aren't as smart as others and you have to leave those people behind <---Now I was referring to or subtweeting, if you will, my ex but Dr. A heard that entirely differently. She basically called me out on it and when the group conversation was over I went up to her and said "How do I say that differently?"
Her response "The mark of an intelligent person is that they continue to try and get it right. You've taken the first step. Email me and make an appointment to come talk to me."
And thus a relationship was born. I met with her once a week for 2-3 hours we talked about all manner of things. And she was a hugger! Y'all know I'm big on hugs. I was beside myself. This woman wanted to know me! It was the sweetest relationship but as the summer was coming to a close I knew I wanted to be mentored by this woman. At our closing ceremony I walked up to her and said something like "How would you feel about me calling you Aunt?" She smiled warmly and pulled me into a tight hug. That...was a yes.
The next day we had to evacuate a building because of some fire alarm and we were standing outside and something made us both laugh and no one else laughed. That's where "They don't know us like we know us" came from. Occasionally, I type TDKULWKU and if you see that....that means I miss her. Because sometimes....sometimes I really really do.
So we continued to meet. I'd drive to UNC and sit with her a spell. Eventually this led into the whole situation with my roommate and this only drew me and AV closer. I checked in with her almost daily back at undergrad. I'd call just to say hi or remind her to get something to eat on those long days in her office. And when people let me down, she was there to tell me I was important and pretty and smart and that I cared for people deeply in a way that she had rarely seen. She saw me.
As the school year progressed we continued to flourish. I remember one time I was driving through and wanted to sit with her and she moved a appointment with her physician to make time for me. Yea...that was us.
Another time I remember her saying she was dog tired and we walked down the hall with her leaning a little on me with one arm thrown over my shoulder and mine around her waist. We were close.
And then...she got busier. She was and continues to be phenomenal at her job and they required more of her. Much more. We weren't meeting but we still talked until one day something changed. I didn't and don't really know what it was but it changed and she decided she didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore.
Now I had told her my deepest darkest secrets and insecurities about not feeling worthy or lovable or any other thing that you'd tell someone who had accepted you and loved you unequivocally. Things I now reserve for the circle of besties only. You see she loved without reservation and I needed that. I needed a grown up to tell me I was okay.
So when that ended lets just say it wasn't pretty. I probably cried myself to sleep for a month. I also tried to fix it. I went to a therapist for weeks to try and figure out what had changed and why she didn't want to talk to me anymore. Eventually the tears started to be weekly and then monthly and one day I realized I hadn't cried in a long while.
So when this went down you can imagine there were some very angry people. Their names? ML and Sarah.
They were LIVID!
I'd never been depressed like that before and they laid all the blame at the feet of my mentor. The funny thing about it was and is that I still love her so I could barely listen to the way they felt about her.
I called her when I won my NSF fellowship and that was it for that year.
The next year I started struggling in grad school. I wasn't on the "up and to the right" path most graduate students took and my advisor was worried about my ability to actually earn a PhD. He described me as cavalier. And because I didn't know anyone else and I didn't trust anyone else and she'd told us that if we couldn't say something to anyone else to say it to her and she'd still be able to see us through our mess, I called her.
Not only was she in her office, she was available and we talked. We talked for real for the first time in years. Now she was Dr. A again and that's what I needed. We addressed my issues and she told me to keep her abreast. She said she wanted to talk to ME again! I was elated but I was also in the middle of a sticky situation in grad school so elation lasted only a few minutes.
I got through that grad school scare and then when our lab was moving to UNC I called her again. She knew about the move. She was pleased with my progress. She wanted to catch up when we got here.
Now I've seen her a few times but she's still Dr. A. We aren't us anymore but we aren't estranged either. We've never sat down and talked like we use too. I think I'd like to do that...one more time just to ask what happened? Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one that misses us but then I see her face and know that somewhere inside...she does too.
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