Wait…What?!?!?

Tongue Cancer.  Yup.

Tongue Cancer.

Now I know you're wondering why I'm bringing up the devastating disease.  Well I'll tell you.

You ready for the story? Wanna hear it? Here it goes!

So one week ago was the season premiere of The Fosters, a lovely TV program about a biracial lesbian couple raising biological, adopted, and foster children.  I'm in love with the show for a few reasons.

This is the biggest reason I love The Fosters!

I love this show because the OTP, in my opinion, is the moms and they are in a dedicated loving relationship with each other. They work together and they're so in love. Also the actresses, Sherri and Teri, are super cute and lovey dovey off set which is something I think more women should embrace. Affection is affection…you can love someone without it having anything to do with sex but I digress.

Technically this show can be seen as a teenage drama due the the preponderance of time spent with the children but I watch for the whole dynamic. The moms, the kids, and the Moms AND kids. 

So I had to have an intervention of sorts with the youngest of my grandfather's granddaughters, of which I am the oldest, because being the oldest means a whole lot in my family. So I wasn't going to be able to catch my show in the privacy of the playroom at my parents' house. I was forced to watch the premiere in my Aunt's living room surrounded by my mother, her two sisters, me, my sister, and my two first cousins.

Now….I know you're thinking this ain't half bad.  Oh but I'm getting to it. I'm soooo getting to it.

Previously, I'd expressed that I didn't think my aunt was going to like the show. My aunt has on numerous occasions expressed disdain with homosexuality. She isn't a fan and dare I say isn't very tolerant.

So the show starts and we're a few minutes in when THAT aunt says

"Are those two women together?"

And I replied "Yes, they're married actually."

A few beats pass and then she starts into this story that literally BLEW. MY. MIND.

"Well, I have a student who's mom is dying of tongue cancer and the mom is a lesbian."

My reaction

"Okay…what does that have to do with anything?" I ask innocently knowing EXACTLY what my aunt is trying to imply.

Her response? "Well she's a lesbian and she has tongue cancer. They are definitely connected"

My next reaction immediately followed by…

HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

I was literally rolling around on the floor laughing because girl WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

So my sister, who never misses a beat and is a pharmacist licensed in two states, says "But then wouldn't a lot of men have tongue cancer too?"

Same parents, same upbringing, and holding two doctorates between us!

Yup… my sister, the PHARMACIST, swoops in with the logic!

My aunt's response was basically "Why would they?"

Reaction

And my sister was again ready for the kill!

"How would they not Aunt?"

Then me and my sister basically cut up about how "Ain't no boy around me not getting the tongue cancer if that's where it comes from!!!!!!"

My other aunt cuts in with a "I'm too young for this conversation" all the while my mother says nothing.

We were so blown. You're sitting a room with a cancer researcher and a clinical pharmacist trying to argue that cancer comes from lesbian intimacy?!?!? Which I'd like to point out is a part of the sexual activity many heterosexual couples engage in…. which my aunt pointed out that all people don't engage in. O___O

 Now to this idea that not all people engage in this type of intimacy I say to each his own but I'll be the first to say I don't know a single girl my age who isn't or hasn't participated in this activity. 

So at this point we've established not only that my aunt believes lesbian intimacy causes tongue cancer but that she also thinks she knows more about cancer than me and my sister.  Let's point out that this NOT. TRUE.

So me and my sister get to bantering.

I'm T1 and she's T2 (T short for Thing like in Doctor Seuss)

T1: You have a doctorate right?

T2: Yes. And you're about to have a doctorate right?

T1: Yes. and I'm a scientist right?

T2: Yes….and don't you study cancer?

T1: Why yes…yes I do.

T2: And while you were in school did you learn where cancer comes from?

T1: Why yes yes I did. Genetics. Mutations of P53, DNA damage.

T2: So Aunt, when did you learn about cancer in school?

Aunt: I didn't.

T1 and T2: WELL THEN!

So we go back and forth, around and around like this until my aunt says

"Well I know about this girl and this situation and I think being a lesbian caused this and she's going to die before December from this cancer."

 My response? 

"Aunt, I have to have 250 references for my dissertation and you're telling me you have one case with a bad fallacy. I mean your causality is insane!"

My aunt says "Well this is what I know."

Me and T2 are just like "Yea and what you know is NOTHING about cancer!"

How we were feeling about Aunt's comments: Look away because the ignorance will blind you.

So my mom then figures out exactly what she wants to say.

What did she say to a room full of female family members? 

"So, does anyone in here like women?"

Really mom? REALLY?!?!?!

Now I don't know who in the room may have been interested in women but what I will say is GIRL WHAT?!?!?

Did my mom honestly think that after her sister said that lesbian intimacy causes tongue cancer that anyone in the room who was in the closet would suddenly decide that now is the time to waltz out of that closet, into the light and their truth?  I mean really?

My sister…ever on the spot in this situation was on it!  Like a doubles tennis player she got right to that ball with a giant

GIRL WHAT? You must be outside your mind asking us that?!?!?!

And that politely shut my mom down and we had to hear nothing more about it.

Now after The Fosters was over my aunt said she liked the show but that being homosexual was still an abomination. O___O

My sister and I promptly grabbed our keys, grabbed our purses, gave some brief hugs AND left her house.