The Life Blood of Marriage

So I ran across this article in Psychology Today called Marrying "Safe?" You Might Be Sorry....

Interestingly, I told my sister a little more of the story of me and my ex this past weekend about how she'd basically said she never wanted to be as emotionally vulnerable as she had been previously and that I required a depth of vulnerability she wasn't willing to entertain ever again.  She essentially told me she didn't pick me because I wanted a real relationship, an intertwining of spirits and minds, and she didn't want that again.

So anyway...that convo happened and then I read this article today.

It talked about how a "second-choice" spouse. It said that this person is a sort of consolation prize awarded to a woman who cannot win the person she truly or originally desired. That person is a stand in for "the real thing."

I thought this was quite profound in a few ways.
First, I know for a fact that the person she's agreed to marry isn't the person she wants to marry. The person she wants to marry is dead. The person she is marrying has been willing to sit by and allow all manner of things to happen in their relationship. The person she's marrying, as far as I've known, was fundamentally never really in this thing and neither was she. They always understood that this was just something they were doing...that it wasn't going anywhere. And maybe that's changed but the impassioned way that she told me she'd never be that vulnerable again leads me to believe that she's found someone that doesn't require that of her. It also makes me sad because she'll miss out on what it truly means to be married. The person she's marrying is her best friend sure, but a soul bearing, life altering love? No. And that's not what my ex wants. She doesn't want to move mountains and cross oceans with her marriage.  She just doesn't want to be alone. And quite frankly, I think that's so sad.

Additionally, I feel sad for the stand in. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I'm working really hard on my own emotions to make sure that the girl I dating doesn't stand in the shadow of my ex. I know that this girl is standing in the shadow of my ex's ex. And maybe just like in their early dating situation, she's cool with that. Maybe its completely fine with her that she's very clearly and obviously my ex's 2nd choice. Maybe she just blocks out that my ex was leaving her to be with the girl that died and then once that girl died, she came back to her because it was easy and comfortable and familiar. Maybe she re-writes history as well. But I'd think about that all the time. I'd look and her and think "If someone hadn't died, I wouldn't have her because she wouldn't have chosen me" and it would eat me up inside.
Lastly, I hope their marriage can overcome these things. I hope my ex gets to a place where she wants something real. And I hope that the girl that agreed to have something that isn't real is open to that.

Dr. David Freedman argues that a woman's "choice of mate had been based on the specific defect of her own ego system implied by inability to see herself as a person of sufficient potential significance and ability to hold a spouse she really admired."

Marrying a second choice spouse is essentially cheating. You cheat yourself out of having a life giving, challenging, inspiring, soul bearing relationship and you cheat the other person out of being the true object of your affection.

I really hope that by choosing not only her second choice but also choosing not to be vulnerable, she hasn't taken the life blood out of marriage but I think she has.

What I know is that I want openness and emotional intimacy in my marriage and I'm working to make sure that my past doesn't hinder my future. When I ask someone to marry me, I want them to be my only choice. "Forsaking all others, I choose you" will be that absolute truth of my heart, mind, and spirit before I ask for someone's hand in marriage. I think marriage demands that.